There is a lot of tension in this first page, so I voted yes. I disagree that the doc would not notice or appreciate the surroundings or breathe in the air, though some emotion that would cause him to take a deep breath might make this more believable. I agree there is too much info dumping. I feel that some of the descriptions are awkward, as if you're trying to be too literary. Why not a small thin girl, or gold and red leaves (we don't need four colors to know it is fall)? Putting small, thin, after girl threw me off before I got to the breast buds.
There is a lot of tension in this first page, so I voted yes. I disagree that the doc would not notice or appreciate the surroundings or breathe in the air, though some emotion that would cause him to take a deep breath might make this more believable. I agree there is too much info dumping. I feel that some of the descriptions are awkward, as if you're trying to be too literary. Why not a small thin girl, or gold and red leaves (we don't need four colors to know it is fall)? Putting small, thin, after girl threw me off before I got to the breast buds.