I have to agree with the first comment I read here. The tension is good. The conflict is also good and leaves the question, why is the narrator hiding herself as a man/slash boy. Makes me interested to know the story behind this story.
However you have some present and past tense issues that confuse the reader such as can/could or is/was. I like the past tense better it makes for a smoother read. Also I agree that the windpipe collapse idea would be re-worded.
I also like to put a persons thoughts in italics. But that of course is author preference. I find it helps the reader to get into the mind of the narrator.
Best wishes
JL
I have to agree with the first comment I read here. The tension is good. The conflict is also good and leaves the question, why is the narrator hiding herself as a man/slash boy. Makes me interested to know the story behind this story.
However you have some present and past tense issues that confuse the reader such as can/could or is/was. I like the past tense better it makes for a smoother read. Also I agree that the windpipe collapse idea would be re-worded.
I also like to put a persons thoughts in italics. But that of course is author preference. I find it helps the reader to get into the mind of the narrator.
Best wishes
JL