“I can’t believe I actually have to say this, but I’m going to say it: The river is closed. You cannot boat on the river. I have a large number of nouns that I could use to describe the people I saw in a canoe on the Bow River today…I am not allowed to use any of them. I can tell you, however, that I have been told that despite the state of local emergency, I’m not allowed to invoke the Darwin law.”