I'm afraid I have to disagree with the above poster that it's only a few craft issues (and the poll is no longer 50/50). I do think any issues are ones that can be fixed.
I think that Ray touched on the problems and helped by putting it in one PoV but it still isn't really in the PoV characters head. We get no real hint of what the character is feeling and the only reference is quite generalized and not from his PoV (they all expect to die -- really an author intrusion and hurts rather than helps). Is the PoV character angry, enraged, resigned? And there isn't a hint of sensory detail. While you don't want to put in a lot to slow it down, the scent of the burning pine needles, the horse bucking under him as he mounts, cold sweat running down his face...
I want to at least start getting into the PoV character's head and see things as he sees them.
Rook - 15 years ago
Wow! As of right now, the poll is 50/50! Never seen that before!
Honestly, Holly, while I agree with most of Ray's comments, in my opinion you have a good handle on things. Just a few small "craft" issues. I would have turned the page even though the subject matter is not my usual genre.
Great job; just keep polishing!
I'm afraid I have to disagree with the above poster that it's only a few craft issues (and the poll is no longer 50/50). I do think any issues are ones that can be fixed.
I think that Ray touched on the problems and helped by putting it in one PoV but it still isn't really in the PoV characters head. We get no real hint of what the character is feeling and the only reference is quite generalized and not from his PoV (they all expect to die -- really an author intrusion and hurts rather than helps). Is the PoV character angry, enraged, resigned? And there isn't a hint of sensory detail. While you don't want to put in a lot to slow it down, the scent of the burning pine needles, the horse bucking under him as he mounts, cold sweat running down his face...
I want to at least start getting into the PoV character's head and see things as he sees them.
Wow! As of right now, the poll is 50/50! Never seen that before!
Honestly, Holly, while I agree with most of Ray's comments, in my opinion you have a good handle on things. Just a few small "craft" issues. I would have turned the page even though the subject matter is not my usual genre.
Great job; just keep polishing!