I have been surfing online more than 3 hours today, yet I never found
any interesting article like yours. It's pretty worth enough for me. In my view, if all webmasters and bloggers made good content as you did, the web will be much more useful than ever before.
Does your website have a contact page? I'm having problems locating it but, I'd like to send you an email.
I've got some ideas for your blog you might be interested in hearing. Either way, great website and I look forward to seeing it expand over time.
Storm - 13 years ago
I made it there! :)
Storm - 13 years ago
Okay, going there now ... :)
Sausage - 13 years ago
LOL! OK--current season Motown Madness. Same place, darling.
Sherlock - 13 years ago
We are talking about the forum that now severely limits word usage, right? Is it possible you can find me because I left a message for you there on that heading, then you can further direct me. I just don't know what else to do without further instruction. Sorry.
Sherlock - 13 years ago
????????? Cripes. I type that into the search box and it keeps leading me to that exact heading you mentioned, but it obviously isn't where you want me to go. How can it be the exact heading as you mentioned and it isn't the one? I'm so good at this and yet I'm stumped..... ergggggg
sausage festival - 13 years ago
try again.there are over 100 pgs of comments.
Storm - 13 years ago
I went over to that forum and found that exact heading, but I didn't see anything from you there. It shows 4 pages of comments. What am I doing wrong?
Sausage king (Tony is the Vienna Sausage King) - 13 years ago
Okay. You need to understand this, ma dear. Talking to someone on the phone and saying erotic, dirty or nasty things while becoming sexually aroused and while you masturbate is considered phone sex. I find it funny that you keep referring to it in it's euphamistic form..."Lovemaking". It really sounds silly and sophomoric. Tony's a dude...I know dudes. Stop being such a stubborn ole' goat and embrace it for what it is, babe. Trust me darling. PHONE SEX! I am not being judgmental. I have no problems with those who partake in phone sex...for whatever reason. I am just so damn phone phobic myself that I barely utter a word on the phone (HATE talking on the phone...always have) that you would not be turned on. Liz gave up calling me on the phone to "talk". She said it was boring hearing nothing but silence from the other end, and only me tapping away on my keyboard. She was unhappy. Told her "I am what I am"! What is this fascination that women have with talking on the phone? I see Tony's view though...the dude seems very alone and has no family and is ill. He meets a sweet, kind lady and all that is going through his mind during the day...he can finally express verbally to you, a sympathetic, interesting ear. Makes sense. LOL--I'm not like that. :D
Go over to the place where you were stumbled upon the no-life housewives. Season 8, 'go fourth..' , May 6.
Storm - 13 years ago
To: goldengiant
4/14 3:08 PM
Not Read
Subject: Je t'aime Tony
Je t'aime is French for I love you! And I do love you, very much so .... I am in awe of you, and it seems like things just keep getting better and better between us. Our lovemaking is off the charts! And I like it! I like it a lot! It just makes me want more and more of you .... Last night I didn't want to hang up with you even though I was falling asleep. The last thing I really remember us talking about were the dead bodies in the water from the Titanic disaster! LOL I tried to stay awake but your sweet voice and all that lovemaking just had me so happy and relaxed that I was drifting off on you, .. I'm sorry. Was I making any sense in my responses back to you? I hope so but I barely remember. I just didn't want to let you go .... I love you, .. Barb
Storm - 13 years ago
Well, if I get the block taken off my phone, ... would you be willing to call me once and tell me what those fetishes are? There is a fetish Tony has that I won't mention on here that I would be willing to share with you back! ;)
Have fun with Liz as I know you will .... :)
--- - 13 years ago
Dude (above) sounds like an illiterate losers and a fraud. Some people get their rocks out shocking others. Hermaphrodites or intersexed individuals are an exceedingly rare malady. Ignore the creep.
I am meeting Liz for our "talk" and hopefully...some sex play. I know she wants it too...but it will depend on time. I have to p/u Daniel , drop him at home...wait for Charmaine (who comes every Thursday night as when Iw as in London J booked her weekly on Thurs due to his corporate dinners). We kept her on for the extra help then. Then I have to be home by 11:00 as Charmaine needs to leave then. Hopefully, out little talk will last 10 minutes. LOL! I hope she doesn't want to have dinner out too or that would really impede my efforts. Oh...I suppose it is rather selfishly cruel to deny a pregnant woman a meal. OK--I'll pick up something for her to eat along the way, LOL!
Well, I don;t enjoy anything stuck up my ass either...adn I fuck dudes! I prefer to be on the giving end (pun intended). I have had dudes do that tome...not often..butif they wanted to. I do not mind it but it doesn't turn me on very much. I have had guys do the ass licking (women too) and digital penetration...and "meh" I prefer to be the 'dominant' with dudes. I am not into bondage with either dudes or women...or spanking...or gagging (well, not that type of gagging...LOL)...or pain...or punishment or role playing. Bea liked me to tie her up sometimes...so I did. Didn't' arouse me more than usual...but she liked it. She liked me to blind fold and tie her wrists and well...use your imagination. tony and I sound like very different sexual partners...hmmmmm....too bad you could not have experienced both os us in this life time. Oh well... ;) Too bad...you'll never know my bag of secrets...tricks...and the sexual fetishes and perversions that drive me wild. I will never tell you as I may make you say "yuck" to some things. It's a shame you never had the chance to find out :(
Storm - 13 years ago
Oh my sweet ever lovin' God! I swear I always have the most unusual things happen to me! Here is the newest guy that is interested in me, and I've talked w/ him a few times:
schoolontime
4/14 10:23 AM
Subject: hi barb
thanks 4 the email i read it all please dont get me wrong i am not looking 4 sex that not what i ment by openmined ok here goes first i am a attriv mam i would say but one thing and i no u no the word for it i have both sexes down there i have the man thing and female thing and thay both do work was born that way and back then that just the way it was and first i wil tel u i am so used to it i would never want to change it but u know sometime people in r age grp take it diff i gues that y no photo i work at a very wel knowen place over here james
Storm - 13 years ago
goldengiant
4/13 10:34 PM
that is bad news.......mmmmm you are being fresh and naughty might have to spank you for saying bad news you had me worried there......this time around spanking you will make you cum more than ever......Love Tony.....
matrixstorm
4/13 10:28 PM
Subject: Oh my God what you do to me!
Ohhh baby, ... I can't wait ! I have baddddd news ... I'm highly addicted to you! haha Love you, Barb
Storm - 13 years ago
In answer to your question, I will do anything for the guy I love as long as he doesn't hurt me bad. The only other thing I can think of and I told Tony this as well, .. I don't want any gags put in my mouth! Yuk! How can that be fun? Is that anything you have wanted to do to a woman? I am guessing not. Tony just said, " Well, if you've never had it done before, how do you know you don't like it? " I told him " Trust me on this one, I won't like it. " He said, "okay".
I think the ultrasound will show the baby is still doing good and growing, so don't worry.
I was wondering about Frank and what was happening there. He and Sarah get too caught up and fixated on your life. And then they gossip about it and it isn't always kind as I have shown you. That's funny how Ellery is covering up the fact that you didn't really want to spend any time w/ her, and that her 'jealous' boyfriend is the reason she isn't going. She's damn lucky he didn't kick her to the curb for the way she disrespected and wanted to take advantage of him and his money to get to you. That's low! She is not the sweet, innocent, kind little creature she thinks she is. And I watched as she nagged and laid guilt trips on you to manipulate you into giving into her, and most times it worked and you conceded to her. She said some very unkind things about me and doesn't want to take responsibility for her own blunder at telling big mouth Sarah about your unfortunate night w/ her and then having Sarah first blab the news to everyone in a very vulgar fashion saying her closeness to you was your dick in her mouth! She didn't get upset and carry on and on about that one, .. sitting on the pity pot and feeling sorry for herself. But what I said pissed her off royal because I said you regretted that night and she was drunk! She can't handle the truth! Okay, .. enough about that one and I hope that story dies now. It's also funny to me how Frank and Sarah were downing her while she was trying to rub it in their face that she was going to be with you, and going out of her way to make them think you had special feelings for her and trying to make them think she was going to "make love" w/ you again. haha Now I suppose they're back to pretending they're all good friends. Whatever! I'm sure the gossip about you will start up again, .. so I'll let you know if I find anything.
Storm - 13 years ago
I ran out of keystrokes. He is very very exciting to talk to. He is always asking me 'what if ' questions. Like last night, he asked me how I would feel if he blindfolded me and then had another person enter the room that I could not see of course, and then I was fucked, only I wouldn't know if it was him or this other person, .. so how would I feel about that? Good Lord! haha I told him I would be able to tell from the way he makes love to me whether it was him or not. He just said, " Don't be too sure! " haha Another time he asked me how I would react if he came walking into the bedroom holding a knife. I told him I would trust him. He said, " Good, because one of these times I'm going to cut your bra and panties off of you. " Oh gosh! He said , " Don't worry, I will never harm you. " He asked another time how I would feel if he got mildly rough with me and shoved me down on the bed and pretended to be raping me. I laughed and said I would love it but you're going to have a hard time getting me to resist! That made him laugh. Another time he asked me how I would react if he came in through an open window dressed as a fireman, and I told him I would love it! And then he said, " What if I was holding an ax? " I told him, " Forget the ax, we don't need it! " haha He just laughed. He wants to watch me w/ another woman really bad, and then he asked me if I would prefer he only watches or would I want him to join in. I told him I would want him to join in. He then told me he would only fuck me, not her. He said he might play with her tits so she wouldn't feel left out, but that only I could have him, not her! WOW! I loved that because he just showed me that it is all about pleasing me and showing me his respect and love, and not dwelling on this other girl. That is big to me because most guys I believe would want to be taking advantage of this new girl, .. but not him. He slays me how inventive and playful he is. I can tell from all this that our lovemaking will never get boring and the extent he is willing to go to is just mind blowing to me and leaves me in awe. I don't know what I did to make him fall for me over all these other women but I'm one lucky girl.
I'm glad you get to see her today and that you will have time to play with her and get intimate. That will help so much at relieving all that stress inside you. You asked if I remember being extra amorous while pregnant. I was 4 and one half months along before I even knew I was pregnant. No weight gain yet, and I only first got a hint of it one night laying in bed with my hands resting on my stomach. Right above my pelvic bone I happened to run my hand across there and was shocked to feel the slightest beginning of a hard bump! I did have symptoms of sickness and not feeling well off and on before this, but I didn't snap to what that was because Jamie's dad and my mom in law were also having these same symptoms, so we just all thought it was some strange flu bug. Maybe they were having sympathy pains with me and didn't know it. I didn't even show pregnancy until I hit 6mos, then I gained weight and my stomach grew rapidly. To be honest, I don't remember if I was extra amorous in the beginning of pregnancy. I know I sure wasn't once I discovered I was pregnant! I went into shock and panic mode. We only had basically 4 months to prepare for this baby's arrival, plus we decided to marry before Jamie was born so I also had a wedding to plan! No time for sex! I don't think Greg was too thrilled w/ me at that time, plus I didn't like having a big belly. It did not put me in the mood at all and I felt big as a whale and very unappealing. No longer looking like a seductress, .. let's put it that way! haha
--- - 13 years ago
*errr..."plain" s/b "plane". LOL!
----- - 13 years ago
Now...to me...the slave/master thing sounds boring and very 1970's-1980's. However, I would love to be a woman's sex slave. That would be awesome assuming she is very horny. I am pretty dominant in both gay and straight relationships...but I'd try that one. I think I'd make an awesome sex slave. Hell...I'll try anything once so long as it is not violent or involves inflicting physical pain on the other person (or myself...I'm a wimp).
Kicked Frank off the tech site when you sent me that post about his using an alternate name to spy on me. I got the mod to kick him off and now I feel badly...so I let him back on today. Let me know if his gossiping starts again. Doubt it. He apologized...didn't have the heart to say no when he asked me to allow him back on. He told my Ellery told Sarah and Dana that her bf forbid her to come out to visit me because she was getting to "caught up" in seeing me and ignoring him. He told her she could pay for the trip herself if she want to go. I think she didn't dare ask me for the money, LOL. thought you might like that one.
I don;t think that Tony can get a plain ticket that quickly w/out paying through the nose. I a able to get tix with little notice as I have so many corporate frequent flier miles...I don;t want you to get your hopes up about him coming out by Easter. Besides..it is school vacation week in a lot of areas so flights are already booked and over-booked. Good luck..but if he gets a clean bill of health...he still won't be abel to see you for 2 weeks or so. Just sayin'
I am really worried about Liz's ultra sound tomorrow. Her first miscarriage she found out at the ultrasound. I am going to feel terrible if there is no longer a heartbeat tomorrow. She will be devastated.
Well...I hope Horn dog's appointment goes well and he has plenty of viagra on hand for you when he comes out! After 5 years of no sex...you are going to wear that poor dude out. I still want to see his cock...badly.
I love love love horny woman. I have had every woman I have ever been with refuse to do certain things with me...except Liz...she has never said no to anything, sexually, I have requested. Little vixen. And she looks so sweet and innocent..ha ha. She's not!! Even Bea said no to some things I requested. It is such a turn on when a woman is so into you that anything you request...she does willingly. She has always been like this. Hasn't changed (lucky me). Are you like that too? If so...me likey!
Storm - 13 years ago
LOL You're so funny! I love it. I must disagree babe, .. WE MAKE LOVE! If only you could listen in .... We talked for 5 hrs last night and made love 4 times! haha Our old record was 3 times in six hrs. He turns me on to no end. He told me it has been about 3 yrs since he had sex, due to so many deaths he had to deal with, ... both parents and his 3 sisters, plus his leukemia. Poor guy has been through a lot, .. and his ex wife is like a vulture circling around him always sending her 2 daughters over trying to expel more money out of him despite the fact he gets $350 a week taken out of his paycheck for child support until his two girls reach age 23 since they're both attending college. I believe their ages are currently 18 and 19. I wish I could get him out of there for good now. He wants to move from Jersey once he can retire in two years. He has one more doctor appt on the 20th, and if there are no problems, he's coming to see me pronto! YAY! Should be here by Easter Sunday, and I can't wait.
You and Tony together would give me a core meltdown just like those Japanese reactors! That would be sooo hot! haha You're dreaming though. Tony is extremely open minded and experienced, but he has never expressed even remotely any desire to try men. I asked him once what he likes done anally speaking, and he told me he doesn't want anything shoved up there, but he likes outside stimulation, licking, tongue f'ing, and just the tip of a finger insertion. On the other hand, he LOVES to do women back there, and told me he knows just how to break me into it. He says it happens best at the point of climax. Yowza. That's all I can say. We'll see. Since past attempts have failed miserably by at least two former lovers and remembering what that felt like, .. it's hard for me to get excited about this, until I remember that it will be him, and that thought excites me because I love him. He told me we will be doing things I've never dreamed of, .. AND I BELIEVE IT! Have you ever heard of a cat of nine tails? It's a whip he wants to use gently on me! haha He said it's all in the wrist action. He wants to use it on my pussy too. I told him I am not into pain, and he told me he knows how to use it just right on me to stimulate without hurting. Oh momma I sure hope so. He wants to tie me up as well, and I told him as long as I don't look like a pretzel, or am put in an uncomfortable position. He laughed and told me he won't do anything I don't want him to. There are some other things we've talked about that he is in to, such as the slave and master thing, and I told him I would love to be his slave. He told me, " You don't understand what that is all about and I won't treat you that way." Boy, that made me curious so he explained to me that he once had 4 slaves, and they had to do whatever he wanted them to do 24 hrs a day, 7 days a week! These women begged him to take them on as his slaves so he did. He told me that in that world, the master controls absolutely everything about them, telling them what to eat and when, where to work, what to do, .. no exceptions! And if they misbehave or refuse to do something, .. they get punished. So of course I asked him what was the worst punishment he ever dished out to them. He said he took one girl to a busy public area while she was wearing a dress, and he made her spread her legs so people could see her bare pussy. Another time, he put a coin on a tv and made her put her nose on it and stand there like that for ten minutes. Anyway, he told me he would never treat me that way, but these women got off on being dominated like that. When and if they wanted to be released from being his slave, then they were free to go, or if he tired of them, he would tell them to leave. It's all about volunteer role playing. I told him I still want to be his slave, but only for one evening, not for days and weeks on end! He said okay and told me I will make a good slave. :)
--- - 13 years ago
Whoa! Tony be a horn dog! LOL! The dude needs it baaaaad! Get him out there--pronto! How long has it been, again, since he has been laid? He is getting me all hot and bothered...maybe I'll take him for a walk on the wild side. Some dudes never realize how much they are attracted to other dudes until one plants a kiss on their mouth. Tony lives near me so it is ...technically...possible. Would you be jealous? What if we record it for you to watch. I think it would turn you on big time. Ha ha...think someone needs to explain the difference between the terms "making love" and "fucking" to Tony. I'd love to see his "KING sized COCK"! Lol! Love it! He is pretty funny.
Meeting up with my little sex pot later...only we can't have sex. Fuck! She is having another ultrasound tomorrow and because of the history....no "vigorous intercourse" until after the ultrasound. So I asked her f she can have an orgasm...she said "of course" just no insertion. So she promised to squat down and rub her pussy for me while she sucks my cock. Works for me! Then after that I might deliver her a nice, anal treat. I think pregnancy makes women hornier...do you recall that? I remember some dudes at work talking about that before. If this is the case...I may be knocking her up annually.
Storm - 13 years ago
That is good then that none of his kids have bonded with her and they are all adults. I didn't know. Also good that Ana has moved on and is seeing someone else, but she wanted to marry you and move to NY, so I have to believe she is a tiny bit hurt that it did not work out for her with you. I'm sorry I mentioned anything about hurt people. That thought blazoned across my mind and without thinking, .. I wrote it down. Sorry. This is all good though, I'm happy.
Tony will be calling me shortly. He just left me this response! haha
goldengiant
online now!
4/13 10:21 PM
Most definitely we are going to chat tonight, you make me so fucking horny every time we make love......need to bring life to that kitty and make her purrrrrrrrrrrr slurp.......just give me some time to call, will be about 20 minutes or less.......then you will be able to sit on my face and rub that hairy bush against my lips tasting your clit with my tongue.........mmmmmm can smell how wet you are my queen......this time I do have a KING size COCK waiting for you my queen......Love Tony
matrixstorm
4/13 10:15 PM
Subject: I miss you!
Hi Tony, .. How did it go at the doctor appt. ? Do you still have the rash? Can we talk? I'm missing you badddd! We don't have to talk long if you don't want to, but just hearing your voice would be nice .... Love, Barb
--- - 13 years ago
p.s....I struggled with whether to send this to you...hence, it was sent very late. Looks like I should have gone with my instinct and not sent it. Never really know what type of reaction to expect from you. LOL!
G'night.
---- - 13 years ago
Ha ha...what a downer you are. Bringing something up like that "There will be people hurt...that can't be helped..." LOL--not the time. Why bring that up in the first place? It is so out there and not even germane to this specific conversation. Intentions are not in motion, they are intentions. This was the unspoken..this is not new or a revelation. Her husband will recover should she leave him. He understands. they are living separate lives. He has his current 2 mistresses to ease his misery. His children are 18-26 and have their own mothers. they visit their father once a year. She does not see them other than once per year too, and they have only known her for 4 years or so.... and her husband barely sees them other than the once per anum visits. Though the youngest is moving in w/ her father in Amsterdam this summer before she goes off to college.... They have their own mothers and they are all adults. So no issue! I suppose divorcing with a small child would be an issue...but of course Liz would never do that despite her cheating husband. What type of a mother would put a small child through that pain for their own selfish egos? My mother stuck it out as well when we were young despite my dad's serial cheating. I respect her immensely for putting our needs first. So no worries about his adult kids who Liz has never bonded with since they are older and never saw them much due to their relationship with her husband. I know Liz and she would do the same as my mother if she had small children to consider when deciding whether to leave a cheating spouse. J knows what's going on and he knows we were never forever...so he has prepared himself for this day...which I told him a year ago would come at some point. But he has no need to move out now. We are keeping things the way they are for a bit. We both agreed over the phone tonight. Ana has known about Liz since first we dated and strongly supported our reconciliation. Oh it is so silly how you think she ..at this point...would be an injured party. She is seeing a man in London...doesn't bother me! I am not hurt. LOL!
I guess our talk tomorrow will reveal more..but, no, I wasn't planning to come out this weekend any longer and I really don't think May will happen at this point either. Liz is obviously feeling more like she is not staying with her husband than I thought one day ago! So funny how life changes on a dime! Things have changed quite a bit, it seems. I suppose she could tell me she is still going to Amsterdam...but I am guessing not. Don't worry about me hurting her...I plan to love on her, a lot.
Storm - 13 years ago
Excellent!! Bravo babe. That is what you needed to do to get the ball rolling. It's time for bare naked truth to pour forth from both of you and a direction chosen now. Living in limbo and not knowing what is going to happen is more painful than knowing. Wouldn't you agree? How can one even begin to heal until the final outcome is known? There will be people hurt, that can't be helped, but it is necessary now. I am guessing most likely her husband, his kids maybe, Jeffery, and Ana, oh yes and poor poor Ellery will be crushed! haha I will only be hurt if you drop me as a friend, .. because I will be happy to see you with her, knowing that is what you wanted all along. I cannot imagine her turning you down. I just cannot, because she wants you just as badly as you want her. I think you are headed down the right path now.
Honey, I think we should wait till May if you are still wanting to see me. This is so crucial right now that you come to an understanding with her as to what is going to happen, and you don't want to risk hurting her by seeing me, because it might just blow your relationship with her totally apart and I don't want to see that happen since she is your everything. It would devastate you, .. so give that some thought and let me know what you think, okay? I am not giving you a red light, I am giving you the yellow 'proceed with caution light' because you need to make sure she doesn't get hurt. Okay?
------- - 13 years ago
[quote] start/end/start
Hi Michael, Now I have your email addy! That wasn't so hard now, was it? I can meet you tomorrow. How is 5:45 at school? If you have to pick up Dan, then we can meet at 7:00. I can stay and practice or study at the library (Butler) on Main campus. Call me tonight after 9:00 with your preference. I have conferences all day today with professors, my academic advisor and the dean regarding fall semester.
[] [] Michael, I want the same things I've always wanted since the first day we met at Goldman. I want to be with you forever. My heart has been yours all of these years. I want to make love with you every night and wake up next to you each morning. I want no other man inside of my body, only you. I want to look at my children and see you. I want to experience the blessed sensation of you everyday. I don't want to try anything new unless it is with you. If you should die before me, I want to be there with you holding your hand when you take your last breath. This is what I want. This is what I have always wanted, but you knew that.
[] [] So there you have it! Elizabeth
[quote] end
---- - 13 years ago
cached
April 13, Wed [quote] start/end/start
Elizabeth,
Guess who? I am actually sending you an e-mail, so this should prove the extent of the love I have for you..... and now you have MY e-mail address, LOL! I attempted to call you a number of times. I have determined that you are either at rehearsal and cannot hear your phone ....or you are avoiding me. Don't avoid me darling. You forgot to say goodbye earlier today during our discussion. Were you in a poor coverage area or was that a complimentary dial tone I received? LOL--it's okay. I still love you.
[] []
I want to see you. I want to talk to you. I need to touch you. When can I meet you? Don't make me wait.
[] []
Answer me this, please....What do you want? You posed this query to me a few days ago and again today...and I seem to get flustered; and I believe I am, in my inarticulate state, misleading you, though unintentionally. Liz, I don't want to hurt you again by disappointing you and this scares me more than you could ever imagine. You see, you tell me that you are attempting to work it out with [insert/remove/insert]. I understand that and I support you. So I wait. I give you the space you request. I force myself to put you out of my mind. ...a useless task, an exercise in futility. I do not want you to make a decision based on me. I don't want you to do what you think I desire. I want you to never regret being with me, never regret choosing me. I know what I want. I want you. Don't make me say it. You know how I feel and that is why I came to find you after all of these years.
[] [] You announce you are moving overseas to be with [insert/remove/insert]. Away from me. I can only accept it if this is what you really want and need, and if this will make you happy. He is a good man to want to raise the child you are carrying knowing it is not his own. Is this what you want? I feel if you leave for Amsterdam then I have finally lost you, and our child. I will be honest in telling you that the loss to me would be unbearable, unendurable and emotionally devastating ... I could not muster the strength to tell you this today. I do not wish to influence your decisions. You told me you could wait for me if you knew there was some obligation of the future. That is fair.I am ready to give you that which you need because I want it too. I can't lose you a second time. But..please explain your decision to leave, pregnant with my child, to be with [insert/remove/insert].
[] [] Spell it out my darling. Tell me straight....what do YOU want? Be specific, please ;D
Storm - 13 years ago
I'm hoping you two will finally stop torturing each other by being apart. You need to be together to share in the experience of this baby the two of you have created. Remember darling, ... Love won't be denied, .. it is a force of nature.
Storm - 13 years ago
Yes, I will be fine, don't worry ...
----- - 13 years ago
Don't say yes if it will upset you. It might be hard for you to read it.
----- - 13 years ago
Nothing you said upset me. Really.
Liz did not pick up her phone--tried 6 times. Record for me! Had to resort to e-mail.
Want to read our conversation?
Storm - 13 years ago
Okay. I hope my thoughts didn't upset you. I just wanted to make sure that if you do ask her to leave her husband and be with you, that she will be fine and able to handle your brother being part of the picture, that's all, and that you know it will not hinder your relationship with her. Michael, .. I think what she told you before she hung up on you says it all. She is saying, " Do you want me in your life or not? Do you want me WITH you? " She told you she is willing to wait awhile longer IF she knows you are making arrangements to make that happen. In other words moving Jeffery out, making sure your apartment is adequate for her and the baby living there. If not, you need a different place for all of you to live. What she last said to you on the phone is telling you she is ready and willing to leave her husband, .. she just needs you to tell her to do that because you are now ready for her to be with you. What she said makes that clear. Did you call her again?
----- - 13 years ago
You're forgetting that she had decided to try to work it with her husband. Never...ever...did she say to me "I will leave xxxxxxx if you will have me." She told me the opposite. I gave her the space she wanted. If she wants to be with me...she, too, needs to decide to leave her husband of her own accord. Leaving him because she is not in love or because the marriage no longer works or brings her joy or his because his philandering got in the way of her happiness. Her decision to end her marriage should not be based solely on my decision to commit or not. But she is waiting to make that decision until she feels she has a future with me. Is THAT fair to her husband? To me? Not that this is my concern...what is fair to him. But shouldn't she make that decision first....and not choose to stay with him ONLY because she has no one else? Liz knows beyond any doubt that Daniel is my top priority now. Daniel is not a child. He will not be kidnapped if he wanders ...he is a very normal looking adult man. He does inappropriate things and makes irrational decisions. He can be left alone and he can function...he needs assistance and guidance. It would not be fair to stay with someone because they are a good help with Daniel. I can afford to hire help and I just need fill-in support.And not to sound sexist...but isn;t it kind of the mother's job to take care of the whiney infant? Breast feeding and isn;t that part of the maternal instinct. I thought the dad's role with the infant is to cuddle and coo and do the occasional diaper change. I mean...I think you are exaggerating. No offense, ma dear. I think a little baby sleeps something like 12 hours a day ..... I can wear ear plugs if the crying becomes intolerable. It would not be fair for me to keep Jeffery based on his devotion to Daniel.they have a special relationship...their own bond....and they will always be buddies. I know that. Daniel understands this too. He knows J and I may not always be together. J told me a few weeks ago that if we split he wants joint custody of bro...I told him it was a deal. Only I think he was serious.
Fuck it! I'm calling her and throwing it back on her ....I am going to ask her what SHE wants. She told me she is staying w/ hubby to work it out and traveling overseas with my fetus , LOL. Then she is pissed at me. MAybe it is high time she put her cards on the table and tell me what the fuck she wants. In plain terms. I'm calling her now. Damn it!!!!!!!!!!
No spell ck.
Storm - 13 years ago
I love you and I support you, whatever you decide. You are not alone. I think you may be misreading Sheila. She is trying to tell you the same thing as I am. The day of reckoning is at hand and you can no longer sit on the fence and have things stay the way they are with Jeffery living with you and her 'out there'. It's time to decide, .. Jeffery or her. Is she willing and capable of helping you to take care of Daniel for the rest of his life? Have you talked about this with her? Do you think it would stress out your relationship with her to the point it might fail? I know you are terribly stressed Michael and I don't want to add to that, but you need to give some thought to that and discuss it with her, and remember that on top of that, you are likely to have a newborn baby demanding much attention. I'm sorry to be bringing this to your attention, but it is certainly crucial in your decision making. If she can't handle that, then I don't know what to tell you. Jeffery can handle it, but he isn't the love of your life. Jeffery isn't trying to be an asshole either. He doesn't want to lose you, and the topic of Liz is very painful to him. You know he would move mountains for you, so try to understand where he is coming from. No one has abandoned you babe and no one is deliberately trying to hurt you. I am sure of that. Take a moment and try to refocus. You're just confused and feeling the pressure. Close your eyes for a moment and just relax and breathe. Imagine me bathing you and giving you a massage and some good loving, okay? It will all be okay and an answer will come to you. You will know what you need to do when you see her tomorrow. I love you, ... Storm
PS .. Keep talking and venting to me, okay? I'll help you through this ... :)
---- - 13 years ago
Next thing I'll probably get a call from London from Naomi bitching me out long distance, LOL! Let's hope she never catches wind of this development. She and Sheila will make a good pair--bitching in stereo. This day cannot get any worse. Oh, yes it can! J told me Bro was eaves dropping recently on our conversation and knows all about Liz and that I got her pregnant. So....although J urged him, begged him to keep his trap shut--he'll tell my mother. Iw as going tot talk to him about it tonight --but it's no use. He'll blab it first chance he gets. There is always the chance that he gets sidetracked and forgets about it temporarily so I'll hope that happens. The LAST person I want to talk to this about now is my mother. Oh good lord....THAT would suck having to listen to her harp on this.
--- - 13 years ago
omg...everyone seems to want to shit on me today. I told Sheila last week about Liz and the baby and everything...the whole story. The ugly truth. She is a huge Jeffery adherent (Loves him) so she was a little dismayed at fist...but knowing all about my history now with my beloved Elizabeth, she has been really supportive. So I called her in the office and told her about this latest development sinceI cannot work at all today and she kept asking me what was wrong. She said "Well, hon, that girl will be leaving soon then and living in another country and taking your little baby with her. It will all be your fault". I said "why are you being such a raving bitch to me about this." She didn't like that comment. She said "you need a knock in the head and this is your wake up call. She is giving you a WAKE UP CALL you spoiled rotten brat. Do something about it and stop complaining or get back to work." F-ing bitch. Man. there goes her Christmas bonus.
I am wondering if the people I assume are my friends --Jeffery, Sheila--aren't all a bunch of assholes. They are so unsupportive! This sucks. This is like one of the worse days of my life. What the fuck did I do to deserve this shit?
Storm - 13 years ago
Darling, .. It is as I have told you all along, .. she is BEGGING you to tell her to leave her husband and come be with you, .. and I do mean, TO MOVE IN AND LIVE WITH YOU! She feels frustrated that you haven't done that yet because it is all just too obvious to me where she wants to be, .. and that is with you! Not held at arm's length away from you and asked to come see you when it is at your convenience or desire. She is suffering inside and missing you soooo much she can hardly stand it. You need to let her be in your life TOTALLY, or you need to let her go. You are torturing her, though you don't mean to. Do you see that?
-- - 13 years ago
Thanks. Not sure. I called her again. See....I AM pursuing her. She answered this time. I asked her if she got my message from last night. She did. She said it was sweet and she loves me for delivering the sentiment. I asked her if I could see her today/this evening. She is very busy at school and has meetings with her advisor and professors and does not know if she can make the time today, but maybe tomorrow. I told her I needed to talk to her about this more. She said it was a very hard decision...but it is not forever. I told her that I needed her here and I wanted her here and that I need to see her to discuss this. She said "discuss it now. What do you need to tell me." I told her I hated phone conversations and that I needed her to be with me, in person so I could properly express my thoughts. She told me that is not going to be easily planned for today...so "start talking" or we can meet up tomorrow. I didn't say anything. The phone was quiet for about one full minute. I was measuring my words...so afraid of saying too much...of not saying enough. If she were with me I could just hug her, hold her. So, she broke the silence. She said that it is clear to her that I wanted her seated on my doorstep, patiently waiting for me, like before. That I wanted her to be there for me in case I decide I can make the leap. Seated patiently. She also told me she loved me more than she ever thought possible.... but, she will not accept anymore indifference or indecision. She said "if you don't know now, you'll never know...I can wait for you Michael, but I need to know that there is some semblance of a future beyond your day by day differentiation. If you tell me that we can be together even sometime after the baby is born or after you and J are settled or even some non-specified day in the near future...I can hold on to that. So tell me WHAT DO YOU WANT?" I couldn't respond. I tired and could not. I only said, after a couple of minutes of silence... "I love you." and she said "I love you too." Then she disconnected. Abruptly. She was crying.
I called J at work and told him and he said "what the fuck do you expect.?" He is being an asshole too. What a shitty day.
Storm - 13 years ago
Hi Michael, ... I'm sorry to hear that. It's okay you asked her not to go. It will make her feel good that you care, and you have every right to let her know how you feel about this. She would want your honesty anyway and holding back your true feelings would only create possible misunderstandings with each other, so it is always best to confess your true feelings to her, and then let her decide. When the pieces fall into place however they will, you can have no regrets because truth and honesty was always present. I'm really surprised her husband has never bothered to ask her what her true feelings are about you. Maybe he is afraid to hear the answer. She probably has that love glow all about her when she speaks about you to him, so maybe he already knows it is a deep love. Of course he could be in denial as well, .. who knows. You may also be right that he is thinking of trying to put her out of your grasp by relocating soon. If that thought has been in his mind anyway for some time, he would now see this as an opportune time to start making it a reality. Everyday that new things happen, it is bringing you closer to making decisions about your life Michael. If you really don't want her to go and you feel her slipping away and fear you are losing her, then maybe it's time to make the final offer to her that you want her to move in and be with you. Fight for her if you have to. I guess the last thought I'm having for the time being is, that distance makes the heart grow fonder, and this is suppose to be temporary, so there should be light at the end of this dark tunnel if nothing else, .. and I still think it is destiny that you two will end up together, so have faith babe and don't lose hope. Okay? Wish I could hug you right now ....
--- - 13 years ago
feel some guilt that I may possibly be making her rethink her decision now. I am exhausted and did not sleep at all last night. It is gong to be a long day.
I am not completely surprise as she has traveled with him before and stayed in Amsterdam and other Scandinavian and European cities for weeks and months. But this was when they were first married. She told me once that he always said he always talks about changing his home base form NY because he spends less and less timer there. I guess this is karma for me.
----- - 13 years ago
Okay. Then I am sorry. I misunderstood....misread....your intentions. You are correct that Tony (if he can break his habit of rabid phone sex and fly his ass out there to see you) probably holds more of a future for you. Yes. I do not, on any level, want to come between that or be the reason you two do not become close.
Elizabeth tells me that she is likely to be moving short term to Amsterdam to be with her husband. He spends quite a bit of time overseas with his work and has offices in Europe and other locals. He travels mostly,these days, between Amsterdam/London/Germany and of course his home base, New York. She said about 18 months ago his travel increased and she spent two months w/him in Amsterdam. I think this is his attempt to work on the marriage as he promised her. He knows he cannot be home much April-June so has suggested she stay with him. His youngest child, a daughter, is 18 and entering college so she is staying there from May--August. Her mother lives in the Netherlands too. She said she was to ask her Dr next week if this is okay given the pregnancy and her miscarriage history. I told her that this travel and temporary relocation concerned me. She loves Amsterdam and loves London so perhaps she will be happy there for a few months. She said she is lonely here anyway. I asked her about school ...she said she completes the semester Early May...so not an issue to leave May 1 and get her final completed early. She apologized to me and was crying so I could not be upset about it. She doesn't need the pressure. I also told her, God forbid, should something happen to this baby...I want to be there with her. She said to me "Michael, our baby will make it. I know it." I hope...for her sake especially...she is correct. I held back tears, fought them back with my might. Then I said (though I tried so badly to hold it back).."I can't handle losing you again. Can't you stay here with me?" She only smiled and said "it's not forever and things could change. and I haven't given (husband's name) an answer yet, but I am likely going if I get medical clearance. I am sorry Michael" I think I see what is happening. Her husband still loves her, does not want to go through a 3rd divorce, does not want to lose more $$$$. He probably is hoping to make his home base the Netherlands since he spends so much time there now (in all of Europe). He knows if he leaves her for 3 months that she may grow closer to me. She tells me he is is not aware of the extent of her feelings for me.... he never asked her if she loved me.Well, if he loved her so damn much, maybe he should have treated her better. LOL--guess I'm not one to throw out that judgement. Additionally, he had promised her to come home more often and he probably sees that coming home more than 3 or 5 days per month to NY is now impossible for him now. I stressed to her again that I was worried about her leaving here in her condition. She only laughed and said that there are plenty of pregnant woman in Amsterdam and London and I need not worry...there are very good Obstetricians and top medical care..it's not like she will be living in a third world country. So, I said "okay. I hope you think about it more." She told me she will. We did not become intimate...she was tired and I had to be home for Daniel. So that was that. It is killing me. She is slipping away from me again. I have a feeling her husband may want to relocate form NY permanently and this is the first step. I never mentioned this thought to her. Oh God.
So...when I arrived home last night....I was very tense and could not sit still. I kept pacing the floors. So, I phoned her..it was after midnight. Terrible, I know since she was so tired. Her phone was off. I left her a message. Very simple I only said "I have no right to ask you this, but don't go. Please don't go." So, we will see if she calls me. I don't know that I have the right to ask her not to go. I feel some guilt now that I am making her reth
Storm - 13 years ago
LOL Baby baby baby, .. You have a real talent for taking offense where none was intended. Chill, .. my little polar bear! I was just making a broad general statement that we are both in love! I didn't know you would get out your 'love' yardstick and start measuring who loves who the most. I would have certainly agreed with you that your love for Liz has had time to grow very very deep, whereas Tony and I are just beginning but feel love for each other none the less. I never intended for this to be a 'love' competition. Okay? You win hands down with no argument from me. I still love you as deeply as I always have Michael, but I have come to terms with reality that your heart belongs to somebody else and most likely always will. I have Tony now and his heart is available, so that is what I meant when I said I have had a shift of my feelings. My feelings for you are still very much intact, but I'm opening myself up to this man that is showing me love and affection so I can hopefully find love just like you have. I really don't want to go through the rest of my life alone, though I will if I keep ending up with takers and losers. I do prefer being alone compared to being miserable with someone. Soooo, are we okay now with each other? C'mon, turn that frown upside down and smile for me .... :)
Is Liz okay? Did she tell you she wants you back like I think she was going to?
grrrrrrrrr.... - 13 years ago
Ya know....you really pissed me off this time. Don't you dare for a minute think that your "relationship" (for lack of a more suitable term) w/this phone sex dude bears any resemblance to the extent of the love I feel for Liz. I GET IT NOW. Jealous much?
See you Friday. Not kidding.
grrrrr... - 13 years ago
"count" in the penultimate paragraph should read as "country".
WTF? - 13 years ago
Your second paragraph: "...I know you can understand that since you feel the same way about Liz, right?" Seriosuly? Are you intoxicated? Never mind the haughtiness, the utter rudeness and discourteous display of manners and acrimony contained in this entire paragraph, but the gall to think that you could possibly feel the same way about "Tony" as I do about Elizabeth? I lived with her for 11 months, went through a very dramatic experience with her. Fell in love in the flesh and actually slept beside her every night during our courtship. We talked of marriage, children back then and we were exceedingly close....emotionally and physically.... you know much of our history...and now we reconnect...find out after pining for her for 10 LONG YEARS years that we are both still as much in love.... and now she s carrying my child. Is there truly any comparison? You have never met Tony! How long have you been chatting with him? 3 months? You are sadly mistaken, woman.
When exactly did your feelings "shift"...and why didn't you tell me this yesterday or the day before or the day before that? Such bullshit. You could use a good hearty dose of manners and a few lessons in how to be hospitable. I am making a real effort to come out and see you and this is the thanks I get? Your rude, haughty response? Telling me you want to wait and see if Tony comes out first. Where did you say you grew up again..and learn your (rude) manners? In the count, you say...obviously it must have been in someone's barn.
Fuck it! I am coming out this weekend. Expect me Friday eve until Sunday. Better change those sheets because I am staying with you as you so graciously offered in your prior messages. One good turn deserves another. See you on Friday. : /
Storm - 13 years ago
LOL Just saw your last post! Hope you don't mind dying along with me! But what a way to go! haha ;)
Storm - 13 years ago
Yay! She isn't coming out because J is unhappy, .. she isn't coming to see you because she couldn't talk you into spending more time w/ her so she could snag your ass! haha She honestly had this illusion in her head that you would be her lover and boyfriend and future husband! I read how she tried to convince you that what you really need is a woman in her twenties! Remember that? Ohhhh and guess what? SHE just happened to be in her twenties! haha I laughed when I read that ! She was even trying to talk you out of being w/ Liz! Like I said, .. she wasn't coming to NYC to see the sights and a play ( unless you went w/ her), she was coming to "make love" with her Romeo! haha Count your lucky stars honey! You lucked out.
Lets wait till May to get together. It will give us more time to see what develops w/ Liz and with Tony for that matter. His last scheduled doctor appt. is on the 20th for this month, and then he plans to get here a few days after that so he should be here by Easter on the 24th, and plans to stay a week. He can probably even extend that time if he wants because he won't have to go back to work now until June 1rst. He isn't well yet so they're extending his sick time. I am feeling a bit guilty having to keep you a secret and, no offense, but my feelings have shifted to really loving on him and wanting him in my life so I would like to see how my time with him and this visit goes. I know you can understand that since you feel the same way about Liz. Right?
LOL Well, it might just seem like cheap tawdry phone sex to an outside person, but in reality between him and myself, it is making love to each other and it doesn't feel the least bit sleazy. It feels heavenly and beautiful because emotions and feelings are attached and expressed. It is a deep strong craving and desire between us now to be intimate w/ each other and given that we have over 1800 miles between us, this is the best we can do, and it does bring us closer together. LOL Heavy breathing is actually kept to a minimum! haha
This Hyatt Regency would be your best bet when you come to visit. It is only 6 or 7 easy miles from my house and is on the way to my favorite hiking place. It's beautiful, you'll like it! I copied to here:
Hyatt Regency Tamaya Resort & Spa Bernalillo Hyatt Regency Tamaya Resort & Spa Bernalillo
Place page
1300 Tuyuna Trail
Santa Ana Pueblo, NM 87004
(505) 867-1234
Get directions - Is this accurate?
I hope you enjoy your visit w/ Liz, and that nothing is wrong. I think she is going to tell you that she wants to be with you, not her husband.
---- - 13 years ago
Tony may be afraid to stick his hand up your skirt in the car...but I'm not. I'll sneak my hand right up there and slide my finger you know where...and I guaranty you will love it. Good luck driving...hope your front end is aligned.
------- - 13 years ago
In light of everything I told you and my honest feelings about Liz...do you still feel comfortable having me come? And if so...when? When will your little boy be home... away... or does it not matter to you? If I come you are remaining with me the entire duration since it will likely be only 48 hrs. So either I stay with you and your son hears us screaming and squealing in delight (LOL!)....or I stay at a hotel and you remain the entire 48 hours with me...without running home to feed the killing crew, get your mail etc. Got it? The 2 hotels I found which are quasi-sutable are LoPoblanos Inn on Rio Grande Ave, or Hyatt on Tijeras. Neither look that nice...but these are the best I could find in your Alb. Is there a Ritz Carlton, W, 4-Seasons or boutique Hotel close by or in the general vicinity? There are no 5 star hotels in Alb. that I was able to locate. This is the best I could find. This is your last chance to take a pass w/out pissing me off.
Sorry...try to convince me as you might...phone sex does nothing for me and holds no interest. I don't even like talking on the phone so I am certainly not going to masturbate while talking smut and listening to someone's heavy breathing over the phone. It's a bit cheap, yes? A bit pervy, wouldn't you say? Okay, I won't judge anymore....to each his own, but I'll pass on that fetish. Now...if you really love Tony as much as you are trying to convince me....are you sure you want me coming out and defiling you ....and then you're going to keep it a big secret? LOL---will he still be able to turn you on after you've gone 8-10 erotic rounds with me? I doubt it. Just sayin' ;)
It is either this coming weekend...or May. CAnnot go the following weekend...too close to my surgery...then I cannot fly for one week after the surgery so early May if this coming doesn't work?
Seeing Liz later this afternoon @5:30...she called me. She is fine health-wise, baby is fine (I thought she was calling me to tell me she miscarried). She wants to talk. She sounded down. Not sure what's up...maybe she decided to stay with her husband. sigh....
Ellery decided not to come out, LOL! Knew that would make you happy. She told me I seemed too busy and her boyfriend was having second thoughts about her traveling away. I guess when I told her J was unhappy that scared her away. Ha ha. Good...because I am too busy. So I guess my cockadoodle-doo is safe.
No spell check.
Storm - 13 years ago
Tony was online at the date site last night and had left me a message :
goldengiant
4/11 10:51 PM
Haven't been feeling well......have this rash on my face feels like it is burning.....try to sleep and couldn't......I have a rash all over my body too.....had this since friday it started.......good thing I see the dr in a couple of days.......I truly miss talking to you as well.......my face feels like it was burning and still feels that way.......was wondering if I should go get something to put on it........So afraid I might make it worst though.........Will be chatting soon with you.......Love you, Tony.....
I replied back to let him know I wished I could help him feel better, and then he called me, so we talked for a few hours last night, and I was able to make him feel better, ... if you know what I mean! He made me feel better too. :) We get in this zone with each other and the warmth and the love just flows and penetrates me. His voice and what he tells me is so mesmerizing and soothing, and when he climaxes, oh my ever lovin' God does it turn me on to no end ! The way he talks so softly to me and the soft moan when he climaxes. *sigh* It even makes me feel inebriated and so light headed that I feel like I could walk on clouds and not fall through. He knows how to make love to a woman even over the phone. He told me that the lovemaking starts as soon as we're in the car. LOL I told him that if he sticks his hand up my skirt I will surely wreck and kill us both! haha He laughed and said, " Then I won't do that, but I'll be kissing on your neck till we reach our destination and then I'm going to slam you up against a wall and tear your clothes off!" Ohhhh momma ..... :)
Storm - 13 years ago
LOL Of course you can! I'll baby you! Are you still coming? Do you know yet, or are we postponing for now? Don't be depressed Michael. All is very well and one day soon, you will be together with her. I'm feeling more and more positive about the baby's health too. You better start thinking about baby names. I say Jonathon Jefferson ( or Jeffery ) if it's a boy, and Jonna Janae if it's a girl ...... :)
errrrr....corrections - 13 years ago
3rd paragraph....change "professing" to "declaring". Professing one's love seems there could be some doubt. It was more of a declaration.
Also...penultimate paragraph...should have read "and one day I'm gonna hold you TO that devotion thing". When I type furiously and madly...I tend to screw up my prepositions.
LOL!!!!
---- - 13 years ago
Okay. But I don' think it is a good idea for her to move in with me now. This is too soon. Not with bro--who could take months...literally...to warm up to her. But, she is no Beatrice ( who is flamboyant, gregarious...etc.) ...she is more serene, quiet, sweet, soft spoken....so bro will eventually be accepting (but...I'm talking months). She is still with her hubby...so I think a change so soon would not be good for her. I am willing to support her in any way she wants...I just can't tell her what I really want because if she operates solely on that and I fuck up....then I end up hating myself. I want HER to make the decision. I want HER to be the one who decides enough is enough w/her marriage. I KNOW (yes....I KNOW) that I could easily talk her into leaving him now and coming to me....forever. I do not want to do that to her. I want it to be her decision. Offering my desires and my needs to her will only sway her. I want her to come to me and say "this is what I want....I want you to do this to make me happy." So she will be sure and she will make her decision uninfluenced by me.
The main reason I have never been married (other than my bisexuality) and have rarely entered a committed relationship is because of fear of being unfaithful. I will not cheat on my spouse or committed lover. It is not something I will ever do. Period. And I will avoid these relationships if I feel that there is even a small risk of this happening. Having written that, Yes...I do believe that I can give up women for her. I did it before (though that was only for 11 months) Yes. I can. I am sorry if that hurts you to read this. I still worry that I am not good enough for her and will not be a good enough partner for her. She deserves better....ha ha ...don't I know that!
I neglected to provide the precursor to our conversation (mine and Liz's) from last week before the incident when I was kissing her little pregnant belly. It was very emotional. She ..I believe..if falling victim to pregnancy hormone as she seems to cry more, tear up more easily. Anyway...we were once again professing our love to one another. She told me she loved me and I repeated how much I loved her and how happy I was to be holding her and how God Damn hard it is to be away from her...like a knife in my heart...then I could see on her lips that she was going to ask me what I wanted to do...if I wanted her to leave her husband and be with her. So....I began to enter her and make love to her again as to avoid the subject. It worked! So...it was not like the topic of what I wanted was pulled out of thin air by her.
I called her last night to check on her health. She is better. The morning sickness has subsided some. I then told her that in case she didn't know it, I loved her more than ever and that anything I do or say is out of love and sincere devotion for her. She laughed and said "I know you love me, Michael....and one day I'm gonna hold you on that devotion thing."
Now I am so depressed again. Can I have a massage? A bath? some hugs? I need some good baby-love...some nurturing care. J sucks at taking care of like this.
Storm - 13 years ago
Good Morning Lover Boy, .. You're so cute. Honey, .. what you said to her sounds weak and appeasing. It sounds to her as if it is laden with guilt from the past and you are just trying to make up for it like you owe her that. In her mind, .. she has yet to get a clear invitation to come be with you because you still have Jeffery living with you first of all, so how can she fit in and be with you? I'm sure that is confusing her, and of course as good and fine a woman as she is, she doesn't want to upset what you have w/ him, but where does she fit in and how can she have a life w/ you? She wants that so badly and that is why she was sad with tears in her eyes. Trust me honey, .. she needs and wants to hear these words from you so she knows you are not just patronizing and appeasing her from guilt, .. " What I want is for you to leave your husband and be with me. I want us to live and be together! " Do you see the difference now? I assure you with no hesitation, that is what she is dying to hear, and once she does, you better have Jeffery moved out and living in his own place because she won't be able to pack a suitcase and get to your place fast enough! :)
----- - 13 years ago
But wouldn't you think if someone told you "I want whatever you want" "I only want you happy...so I will do whatever you want so long as you are happy" Or telling them, in essence, you will do for them whatever they want as long as it makes them happy that is all that is important. Does';t that prove...show ...the extent of love you have for another person? I don't get women. I just don't get them.
Storm - 13 years ago
Darling, .. I am not upset in the least at anything you've told me. You speak the truth and that is what I want. Do you understand what it is she is begging you to tell her when she asks you, " What do you want?" She doesn't want to hear you say, " Whatever makes you happy." She is dying for you to say, " I want you to leave your husband and move in with me. I want us to be together." That is what she has wanted all along. Are you ready to give up all other women for her and the flirting too? I ask because you should not ask her to do that until you are. She is likely I believe to still share you with Jeffery since she knows that is part of your need, but I sincerely doubt she will be happy and willing to share you with other women. If she makes it to becoming a mother and I certainly hope she does, ... I would imagine her dream will be 'you and me and baby makes three' as the old saying goes. I think you are miserable without her and she is certainly miserable without you. Seems logical to me what the solution is, .. as long as you are ready for it. If you are NOT ready to settle down and give up all other women for the rest of your life, then don't ask her to move in with you or to be with you yet. Look what happened the last time you told her you were not ready to be exclusive to her only and you wanted the option to see other women! Don't repeat history and do that to her again. She needs to know that she is all you need to fulfill you. I am 100% sure of what I am telling you babe. The decision and the direction for the rest of your life is awaiting your answer. It is laying in the palm of your hand and Liz and Jeffery are just waiting for you to make up your mind. You are afraid you'll fail! No relationship comes with a guarantee of success, .. not one! You stick your proverbial foot in the water and you take your chances just like everybody else. Look at me, .. twice divorced, .. and I thought each time I brought to the table what was needed for a successful and happy marriage. I am one fine woman who is loving, and a faithfully devoted wife and still they failed. I fell out of like and love with my first husband because of his secret and I did not want offspring w/ him, God forbid! Second husband was not ready for the responsibilities of a marriage and being a father so he cheated on me. Again, .. mission fail, .. and if ever there was a woman ready for a domestic life and wanting a marriage to work, it was me. Now I've been on my own and single again for basically 22 years! Scared to death to try marriage again, .. but I would like to if I'm madly in love. Maybe three times will be the charm even though statistics show that the odds of a lasting marriage decrease significantly with each additional marriage. I am guessing Liz will not push for marriage in the beginning , and frankly I think it would be a huge mistake to marry her right away. My advice would be to live together for at least one to two years to make sure your being together is happy and working out, and then if you make it to two years and the desire is still there to marry her, .. then your chances of success would be much greater.
Regarding Tony, .. I have never thrown out any excuses or delays to him on his coming to see me. Honest! I have also told him recently that he doesn't have to stay in a hotel for even one night if he doesn't want to. I simply suggested that if he can afford the first night or two, it would give us total privacy from Jamie and the dogs intruding and then he could spend time at my house to make sure dog hair doesn't bother him and kick up his asthma. Does that sound offish? I hope not. I have no intention on even telling him we are talking again and I don't even mention your name in conversation. I'm really hoping things work out for him and I as he is a good looking and wonderful guy and I would feel so lucky to be with him and share good times together as well as the bad times.
---- - 13 years ago
Back and recovered from my emotional overload. Sorry.
Correction to my above post... The last line of the first paragraph should have read "It is hard for us NOT to be together based on our close friendship." The completely changes the meaning of what I was trying to convey!
Re: Tony. Yes...do not tell him about me. Not anything. It would really make me feel terrible...awful...if I was the reason for his no longer pursuing you. So please just keep it hush. Good decision. Really. But my gut and my sense as a man tells me that you need to get him out there to visit SOON...or risk losing him. Really. He is already "getting off" over the phone and by NOT being there with you...so you need to get back to conversing with him and get him the hell out there to see you if he wants to have another orgasm. I know dudes...I AM a dude and I fuck dudes. I know how "our kind" thinks! Don't dissuade or overload him with silly incidental issues and flimsy excuses.Do not suggest a hotel..it is cold, and a man is never going o tell you if $$ is an issue, even if it is. Trust me.
Michael - 13 years ago
Okay. Let me respond to your concerns one by one. Firstly, there has been no recent "damage"
to my relationship with Jeffery. This has been ongoing. I am not gay. J is gay. I am slanted a bit more toward females than males...60/40 as far as my orientation. J knows all of this. This relationship with him always had an expiration date. In the gay community...you do not see a lot of dudes who identify as bi in longterm relationships with other dudes. Most bi dudes have flings or short terms w/ other dudes. I am an exception because J is tenacious, head over heels in love with me and very goal oriented..and wants very badly to hang on and will until his last breath. Because he is so fucking gorgeous and the sexiest dude I have ever been with, fantastic lover (not to mention his huge cock--sorry, it does turn me on--I guess I am superficial)...it is hard for me to dump him. He wants to hang on. I love him...but would let him go now if he would allow it, only for HIS sake. I never see myself ending up with a man forever...I enjoy the company of females and I like certain things about women...emotional things.... men just cannot provide. But he will not leave me. This is really his problem, not mine. But...we are really good, close friends and have a lot in common. J needs to be removed from the equation here. He is not mad because of what I am doing to him...but because I have a woman whom I love, who is married, and is now pregnant by me...and I am still "not satisfied" ...as he puts it. So...haven't written that....I really do appreciate everything that J has done for my brother, for us, and I do owe him big...I know that. He is my best friend. It is hard for us to be together based on our close friendship.
Re: Elizabeth...well, she feels she has to give her husband a fair turn. I think that is sensible and I told her I agreed. I lied. I don't want her to give him a chance....while I think it may be the morally right thing to do in this instance. emotionally speaking, I want her to drop him like a bad habit. I am not saying that she should, mind you, nor would I ever suggest anything of the kind as I still do not know that I can be a good partner and father...I just don't know yet. Why have her leave him and cleave on to me now with my uncertainties? So... her husband knows about the pregnancy, knows about me...and still wants her. I give him props. He must love her, right? I mean..he is making a bit more effort. Will he change? I don't see it...but he deserves a shot, I think. For all intents and purposes, she has decided for the short term that she is to try to see if the marriage is salvageable. I think she needs to do this. Does she want to? I don't think so. I see the way she smiles at me. It is undeniable. Sorry...that sounds very vain...but it is true. It scares the living hell out of me.
I hope it is okay for me to tell you this and you don't get too upset at reading it. I saw Liz just over a week or so (?) ago. We got together, and of course we ended becoming intimate. After our activity when we were lying in bed, I began to kiss her naked body....primarily her abdomen...the area where her womb is positioned. Kissing her skin of her abdomen gently presumably in the region where our baby is growing. Gently kissing as she was stroking my head, my hair. It was nice. She quietly asked me as I was kissing what I "wanted". I knew exactly what she was asking.I told her that I wanted for her to have our baby and for it to be healthy. She said "but Michael what do you want from me.?" I told her I want her to be happy. She then asked me what I wanted...again. I told her I wanted whatever she wanted. She asked again..."Michael, what do YOU want?" I repeated that I wanted whatever she wanted...whatever made her happy. She looked sad, disappointed. Her eyes welled.
Sorry..I have to go..later.no spell chk.
Storm - 13 years ago
correction: should have spelled 'chord' instead of " strike a 'cord' " LOL Duh! Brain obviously on autopilot. :)
Storm - 13 years ago
I always laugh at your humor, .. you are so funny and I love that. On a serious note, .. I just want to make sure you won't feel guilt or remorse afterwords for hurting or disappointing either Liz or Jeffery by doing this, .. and I'm thinking you might. Your relationship w/ J has been damaged already and you don't want to make it worse. His remark that you really have the nerve to ask or do this does strike a cord of truth considering he is still sticking by you despite your telling him that Liz is the love of your life & not only that, you got her pregnant and may soon be a daddy. Any other guy would have likely split on you. I don't want to be the reason, a further fracture happens between the two of you. You need him Michael so think twice about this and just make sure it won't push him over the edge, okay? If she told you her decision is to stick it out w/ her husband, then I see your point of view that you can't stay in limbo in the mean time, and therefore you would have the right to see other women. Have you actually offered her the chance to come be with you, and to leave her husband? If not, .. she may be waiting for that.
On my side of it, there is just no way I can tell Tony about you, which means keeping it secret from him. Last he heard, .. you and I quit talking to each other and I think that is why he came back to me, so knowing we are talking again would likely drive him away again and I don't want that to happen. He doesn't appear to have anyone else he is interested in, but he is constantly getting hit on by ladies on that date site, and he even sent me a recent picture a lady just sent him a few days ago of herself clad only in her bra and panties w/ her legs spread wide open to the camera! He doesn't even know her or who she is! Hasn't even talked to her at all. He told me he gets nude photos of women coming onto him all the time. He doesn't even bother to respond to them because he knows right away they aren't what he is looking for and feels they are just wanting sex. He wants more than that, and he and I started out getting to know each other and we've bonded and are where we are today, .. declaring that we love each other. The thing is, we have not actually declared that we won't see anyone else to each other. He just asked me if I'm seeing anyone else and I told him about a recent local guy that is offering to meet me, but told him I have not responded back to this guy and that I really didn't want anyone else, .. I just wanted him. He liked that. I then asked if there was anyone else he was interested in, and he told me not at the moment. NOT the greatest answer in the world as that left me feeling that maybe his door was still open to that possibility since dozens of new women contact him daily, so I cannot be sure he isn't communicating w/ other ladies, but it feels like I am his number one priority. He seems very forthright and honest and told me he has a couple of female friends he talks with but that they are just friends. So, that is my situation and I feel a tad of guilt that I cannot tell him about you, .. but I know it would be a fatal blow to my relationship w/ him, and I don't want that. Since he and I are not officially committed to only each other and I can't be absolutely sure he is completely faithful to me and will not start up w/ another woman, .. I guess I feel my options are still open of a sort. Mixed feelings about this, honey. That is as honest as I can be with you. I've always wanted the day to come when I could be with you, but also want it to be without hurt to you or others. I've disappointed you so many times that I will not be the one to say no to you this time. I'm going to let this be your decision, okay? Just take enough time to weigh it all out and see if this is again the right timing for this to happen. We can always skip this weekend & plan for another time when things are more stable & we feel more sure of this. That's an option.
--- - 13 years ago
I was still planning to come. Do you still want me to come? I warn you when I come...whether it be this weekend or another...there is no way, baby, I am sleeping in a hotel...I plan to plant myself in your bed and get up only to pee and eat...and I can hold out for a loooong time without food. So you may want to work on some cardiovascular strengthening as I plan to be very high energy. Plan accordingly. Don't care if you think I'm rude by informing you outright of my intentions to sleep in your bed...that is just the way it is going to be...so think about it. ;)
Ha-ha...Tony-baloney....that's what you'll think of him when I'm through with you.
Okay...on a more serious note...I do need J to condone this to a degree. If he does not agree to be there for bro...then it is a no-go. I think he will...eventually...he always does tend to give in to me. But he seems disappointed in me a bit this time.
how do YOU feel about this? Be candid, honest. I have been honest with you. You know how I feel about Liz and you know my situation. I have not lied or left anything out. I will respect your honest answer.
Regarding asking Liz about seeing other women....well, she is married so it makes little sense to ask her permission...however, yes...I feel she will be very hurt. I think she would say it is fine and even smile...but probably shed a tear and feel somewhat betrayed by the declaration of love I made to her. Last she told me...whether she wants to or not....she was attempting to work it out with her husband. So, do I remain here and wait for her to work it out or not? Sit around waiting for her final verdict? Or do I live my life and see what happens. I think it might stress her out knowing I am being physically intimate with another woman...even though she knows she is still with hubby, technically, and we have not yet talked about having a relationship. If you would feel better, I can talk to her about it...ask her, feel her out. Yes, it would be hard for me to do that..to bring this up with her , but I suppose it is the right thing to do. All of a sudden I am beginning to feel really guilty. I guess because she is pregnant and the pregnancy tenuous...I feel badly about upsetting her when I am the one who put her in this difficult position. I don't want to hurt her. I am very bad about guessing or judging reactions before they occur. I think she would be calm and say it is fine with a smile. But maybe feel sad alter. she is very emotional these days. Last time Is aw her she kept crying and could not stop. I think it is the hormones.
Storm - 13 years ago
I checked her out in that catalog that you told L about. She is pretty and makes a good model. I would have to imagine they were intimate as well. Strange how J is totally gay but makes her the exception. It just seems to me that if he isn't turned on by women, then how can he get an erection let alone agree to stick it up a pussy if he finds that distasteful? Must be that he loves her enough to get turned on.
In regards to how Liz would feel about you being with other women while you are apart, why not ask her? Are you afraid of what the answer might be? Or do you already know how she would answer? Just curious. I am guessing she would struggle with that just as I do. She wants you happy, .. I want you happy, .. but the thought of you loving on another woman has always been painful, and it takes all the will power I have to overcome my own desires of being the only woman in your life, and to focus instead on what your needs and desires are, and therefore putting you first so you are happy and fulfilled. I think Liz is probably thinking as I do that if you have J to satisfy your sexual needs, then hopefully you won't turn to another woman. Her and I cannot give you what J does, so it is easy to accept him as a necessary part of your life. It is not so easy to accept that you want another woman and have desires for another female. I'm being very honest here because I think that is likely why she easily offers up J to you in hopes you won't seek another female. Also because she knows he is so good to you, so of course there are the other reasons as well, such as his love and care of Daniel to lesson the burden on you. So, with all that said, are you still planning to visit me this weekend? LOL I still need to know so I can plan or not.
--- - 13 years ago
Sam visited J in DC. She was supposed to visit him in NY but he had to fly to DC with very little notice. She was annoyed when J asked her to reschedule...so he booked her on a flight from NY to DC the day after she arrived (she had plans to stay with a friend in NY and did not want to back out). So I had the privilege of picking her up at the airport and then taking her back the next day. She is so hot in person. Stunning. Even better looking than her pictures. she looks like a younger version of Halle Berry (not that anything is wrong with the original version of Halle). Very exotic looking, she is Bengali and English, just how J likes it. She is shorter than I would have guessed and has very nice natural titties...she looks quite young for 34--closer to her 20's. She made me nervous being so close in proximity to her. She was very nice, very sweet and smart. I wanted her...but J warned me if I made a move he would squash me. She wouldn't have me anyway...not after hunky J and his big dick. She is so enamored by him still...basically unabashedly confessed to me that she still loves him. I am sure they fucked...but he did not mention this and I don't really mind. They are very, very close and I think she just want to be closer to him, be intimate with him out of pure love. He likes to make her happy too. I am thinking they did it because he never mentioned that they didn't and he isn't giving me a hard time about being intimate with Liz. But this is just a guess. Matters not me...all is cool.
Storm - 13 years ago
I bet you she will not cancel on you! Any time she has with you will still be the highlight of her life, and she will try to get you to linger with her to go do something else, so make sure you have an excuse to get the fluck out of there after lunch! I'm thinking that since it sounded like you couldn't do dinner and were backing out, .. she then opted for a lunch date to salvage some time with you. She may beg you to see her back to her hotel! Run, don't walk, in the opposite direction! LOL When are you doing this with her?
------- - 13 years ago
Ha ha...I am very bad at keeping secrets. V-E-R-Y bad. I tell too much and am too forthcoming. Liz told me a few times that she doesn't feel she can make any claims on me or tell me not to see others because she is still technically married. She knows that J is still living with me and she knows that we still make love often and she knows that I love him but that it is not near the way I feel about her. I told her...the last time I was with her when we were intimate... that being with J made me crave men less as he fills that part of me that is attracted, sexually, to dudes and that J still wanted to keep the physical relationship going in spite of my spoken love for her. She looked me in the eyes and told me that she wanted me to continue to make love with him and for him to get me aroused and make me feel good and make me come. She said that he is such a good man and that she knows how good he has been to me and to Daniel and that he makes me feel good and she doesn't want me to give that up now. She said she cannot be with me now so she wants him to take care of me and make me happy and to take care of me and satisfy my needs, all of them. She meant it...I know she did. I have to admit though...I don't think she would necessarily feel the same way about another woman, though I do not know for sure. I won't deny that being with other woman may hurt her. She would never tell me not to be w/ woman given her situation...but, I would guess it may hurt her. I cannot be sure, but it could hurt her, though I know she would forgive me. She is very nurturing and always did these wonderful womanly things for me...cook, rub my back, bathe me, make love to me whenever I wanted and how I wanted...any way and anything I wanted, LOL! She is that type of woman, person...unlike J who is a dude so not into the feminine nurturing role...but things have changed a bit since the last time I was with Liz 9-10 years ago...now I have this need to protect her, to care for her I want to make sure she is okay and happy and taken care of properly...not sure why. Just to protect her and I am not sure what I feel this need to protect her from. J thinks that because she is pregnant with my child...it is a biological urge to protect the woman carrying your progeny for survival sake. Perhaps. I do not know. She is 11 weeks now and the baby is thriving so we'll see. I am afraid my absence from her life is causing her some pain but I don't know what else to do. I told her Friday when I called her that I still loved her so very much...(through my tears)... and she just said "Oh, I know that darling...don't be sad. You don't even have to tell me you love me...I know it, you don't have to worry about me; I am fine. "
I told Ellery that J was pissed off at me lately and that having dinner with her might push him over the edge (I exaggerated a bit as J is rarely, if ever, pushed over the edge). She told me that she was to go to a play with her friend who lives here and that we could do only a lunch. I told her that was fine, but either J or Daniel would be coming with me or else J would be annoyed. LOL! She said "okay". Bet she'll cancel now. LOL! I think she now realizes she won't be getting any alone time with my dick!
no spell check....
Storm - 13 years ago
Hi M, .. Don't think of it as throwing it all on me. I want you to. It's good for you to put your thoughts down in black and white so you can further process what is happening to you and around you. I don't have any advice to offer other than take it day by day. Jeffery's advice is enough for you to think about without me adding to it. You don't need more noise coming at you, ... you have enough to deal with and process, so I just want to offer you a listening ear and my emotional support. I will say don't let fear hold you in it's grasp and have power over you. Always think positive and you are more likely to have positive results. You just need to figure out what it is you really want, and make it real. I do understand the fear that can happen when you love someone so much that it is scary, because the thought of losing them is devastating. Life is fragile and circumstances can change on a dime. That is why you don't want to waste even one moment of having the chance to show love to the people you care about. You mentioned that when you go to visit Ana, that you don't plan to make love to her. Are you sure you're being real about that? What will that visit do to her? Will it comfort her or cause her and you more pain in the long run? I don't know the answer to this and I only pose the question as something you also need to consider. Jeffery is right honey, that if Liz knew you were turning to the comfort of other women while she is carrying your child, it would hurt her like hell. And if you try to keep it a secret, then are you able to handle the guilt you might feel ? From what I know of you Michael, .. you are not able to carry secrets around with you for very long. I think somewhere along the line, you would feel compelled to tell her, so as you know her to be, how do you think she would react to that news? Nothing has happened yet, so take your time and think about this, because I know the last thing you want to do is to cause her more pain. I hope my thoughts help you and not hurt you, otherwise I have said the wrong things to you.
-------- - 13 years ago
We are jumping ahead of ourselves here...I only want her to take the baby to term w/out suffering the devastating loss of another failed pregnancy...baby names are so far down the line, LOL! The way J has been pissed off at me lately..not sure he would deserve such an honor. He has been a little perturbed with everything I do. He is very disappointed in me that I allowed this to happen. Whatever. Not much I can do about it now and I did not, at the time, think pregnancy was a risk...but mea culpa for not asking her about birth control....and mea culpa to her for assuming I would stop before ejaculating to stick on a condom. J dislikes his name anyway. His parents named the male children after 19th century US Presidents. Yes, really. And they are mormon so there are lots of them. He and his brothers Lincoln, Grant, Jackson, got dealt the best hand. Not as lucky were brothers Hayes and Adams. At least the girls were given normal names. He is known as "Jeffery" now anyway. He disliked Jefferson so that he switched it himself in college to the more common given name..hence, the odd spelling. Doesn't matter as his name is always spelled incorrectly (as Jeffrey) everywhere, including the press. Nobody gets the spelling correct...including even me sometimes. He doesn't mind it as much and legally, it is still his name. He still refers to himself as Jefferson and "Jefferson" is imprinted on his checks, etc. Anyway, I had to deliver some good man love to him last night so he would stop being so irate toward me. I think it worked...he was all lovey toward me last night..though this development with Liz is really hurting him. I won't lie...he is annoyed I am asking him to watch bro to see you. He told me when we spoke on Friday evening that I "had a nerve" to ask him after everything that is happening. He is softening though and I think he will probably be fine....he is very disappointed in me. Says I am running away from my reality so I can cope better.... and trying to forget about what I have here. He said I had to "be a man"...LOL! He thinks I was trying to see Ana (but had to cancel because of the surgery) in an attempt to ignore what was happening here with Liz. He thinks I should be a man and tell Liz that I am going to be with other women, if that's what I want, and see what her reaction i to that. He thinks it is unfair of me to contact her when I knew all along she would run back; then knock her up and proceed to galavant about with other women. He thinks that even though she is technically with her husband, that surely I know full well she does not want to be there and yet, I still act like I am single. He thinks I am afraid and having something akin to "cold feet". He thinks I am mistreating Liz, though not directly. Okay..so I am just telling you this so you know what is going on. I called Liz on Friday after J's guilt trip. She was at school still...later than usual...in the medic's office as she was feeling sick (she says "morning sickness in the afternoon"). She was vomiting a bit and was dizzy so was getting hydrated and resting before she drove home. She told me she was otherwise fine. I asked her if she needed me there and she responded "that's okay Michael...you don't need to come, I'm fine...only if you want to." SO I told her okay and to let me know later this evening how she was feeling. She just said " I feel fine...I love you." I told J when I got off the phone and he responded "you are such an ass. She is sick and dizzy from carrying your baby and you can't even see her, pick her up, drive her home, bring her here? she has no one else, be a man and stop acting like a jerk." But, I never called her back. I guess I am scared that we will get too close and I will become too emotionally dependent on her because I love her so damn much...and then she will lose the baby...again...but in a different way. I don't know if I can handle seeing her go through that pain again. Sorry to throw my shit on you.
Storm - 13 years ago
Okay, .. I've been thinking about your baby all night now and focusing in as best I can and letting my mind receive images and thoughts about it. I keep picturing a tiny, smaller than usual baby boy, maybe 5 pounds, not sure, but tiny and wrapped in a baby blue blanket. Seems to be healthy, just small. Olive complected, dark hair, rather almond eyes, looks like you! I could be getting this name from my own desire but it is strong in my mind. Do you like the name Jonathon Jefferson w/ your last name? Yes, middle name is in honor of your best friend Jeffery. That name would give him so many options! Jon, Jonny, J., JJ, or Jeff, Jeffery. haha I'm already naming your baby for you! If I'm wrong and it is a girl, you could name her Jonna! I don't believe I have ever heard that name. I just made it up. I think that is a pretty name. How about Jonna Janae, or Jonna Jane. That would give her plenty of options too!
Storm - 13 years ago
I'm glad you're happy at what I said. How far along does a baby have to be to survive beyond the womb? Do you know?
--- - 13 years ago
I was premature at birth weighing less than 6 pounds....delivered 6 weeks early. It can be hereditary. My birth occurred after my mother had four successive miscarriages.
--- - 13 years ago
Yes....I like it. I like it very much. Thank you.
I am so damn afraid if she loses this child I will not be able to handle it and this scares the living hell out of me like you won't believe.
Storm - 13 years ago
I am very hopeful about this baby making it, and I am not feeling anything amiss with it so far. If I start to get a bad feeling, I will be honest and let you know. What I see and feel possibly happening at this point is a possible premature birth, but I think the baby would be far enough along to survive. I don't know why I have that scenario playing in my head, but I do. I kind of hope I'm wrong about that because I would like it to go full term so the baby doesn't risk health problems. That is just my honest gut feeling right now. That baby knows it is much loved and wanted so as long as the uterus can support its life and growth, all should be fine. I am trying not to worry and think positive, because if it doesn't make it, then I know how you and her are going to feel, and I don't want that at all. Let's stay positive and envision it all going well. I have the feeling it will be a boy! I hope I'm right.
I think it would be a good idea not to tell your mom yet because it will cause her worry. If the baby doesn't make it, God forbid, then may be best she never knows about that tragedy. But if it becomes far enough along to survive outside the womb, then perhaps that would be a better time to tell her.
I have always believed that some things are just meant to be, and I believe in intuition, and you know that. That strong feeling you had that you could not shake that she was calling out to you and needed and wanted you turned out to be true. That should be your proof that we have more than the five senses. Intuitive or downright psychic feelings and/or visions is the sixth sense given to us if only we pay heed to it and try to develop it. As Jeffery seems to believe about Liz, the baby which was conceived the very first time you made love to her again, it all feels like it was destined to me by whatever this higher power is that we are all apart of, .. this life force or Universal Mind. I won't say more than that as I don't want to set you off about what exists and what doesn't. I am just guessing myself and don't pretend to be a know it all, but it is just clear to me that there is more that exists than we can even dream about or comprehend with our little human minds.
--- - 13 years ago
Btw...J screwed up mom's quote. It is: "The grass is always greener on the other side...but it is only because, my son, you don't allow the sun to shine where it needs to and you neglect to water the space that requires germination."
---- - 13 years ago
Her birth name is still chinese, but "Lia" is her adopted American name. Most chinese and Taiwanese immigrants also have 'Americanized' names.
My mother does not know aboutElizabeth's possible impending birth of her grandchild. She does not even know that I reconnected with Liz. She was against my contacting her. While I love my mother dearly (why wouldn't I? I think she is the best mother in the world) and I trust her opinion....still.....something was telling me I needed to contact Liz and I could not defeat it. I am glad I did. She is glad I did...and no matter what the future holds...she nor I have any regrets about the reconciliation. I am only scared and fearful of hurting her...nothing more. Part of me feels guilty about withholding the info from my mother, as we are very close and I share most everything with her. I think for an adult son/mother relationship we are unusually close. ...another part of me feels that unless the pregnancy is taken to fruition...Liz does not miscarry...I feel my mother need not know now. I know she will be most upset with me and I can feel the Chinese proverbs being hurled unto me ad nauseam.
You have not offered your wisdom or words of doom regarding Liz's pregnancy. I will not get upset if you are honest. Share your thoughts with me....do please. What do you think about her being pregnant? I so fear a miscarriage and more punishment for my major and operative role in the abortion heading my way that I see myself avoiding contact with her. It is so hard to be away from her...yet, I am so fearful of bad news. It makes me sad because I know in my heart she wants me with her..but I can't do it. J thinks she will not miscarry and that she will take the pregnancy to delivery. He thinks it was "in the cards all along." I just don't believe that crap. What say you?
Storm - 13 years ago
That is such a pretty name. Jamie had a girlfriend by the name of Lea Kim, and I love her to death, and I even let her live here for 6 months when she needed a place to stay. I like her best of all his girlfriends so far. Her dad does some kind of high clearance intelligence work for the government, and she is extremely pretty, witty, funny, and intelligent. They remain good friends to this day. I wish they would end up together, but so far it doesn't seem to be in the stars for that to happen. They made a cute couple.
Have you told your mom yet about the baby?
------ - 13 years ago
LOL! Lia is my mom.
Storm - 13 years ago
Oops! I just reread and realize I said I stayed up till 5:3opm this morning. That sure makes a whole lotta sense. NOT! I meant 5:30am. Haha! I didn't see your last post until I just posted my last message. You're a funny bunny! Tony became a wild child for awhile in regards to his past sex life. He met a bisexual girl named Sandra that was into the swingers scene, and he went to some clubs and parties w/ her, and they ended up living together for five years. He was only married for 4 yrs to that Honduran woman that unexpectedly gave him two daughters. Anyway, some of these pictures he sent are from these wild parties! haha My mouth dropped open! haha Tony is not bashful when it comes to sex! That's all I can say .....
Storm - 13 years ago
Well, that was a cute exchange between you two. LOL Who is Lia? I know about Samhita visiting and staying w/ him in D.C.. What happened there? I would guess she tried to seduce him. Did he give in? If this weekend is too difficult honey, we can wait and plan one that is more convenient. The plan w/ Tony for Easter time is tentative on his health and making sure he has no further doctor appts that would impede his coming, but he is hoping to stay a week. That is the best I can tell you at this time in regards to him. Jameson is never too forthcoming with his plans until the very last second. As he was leaving the house on Friday late afternoon, he told me he would be gone for the entire weekend because he was house and dog sitting for his dad and Diana as they were going up to Denver for a Master Path meeting. They follow some guru around the country all the time and Master Path is some kind of New Age/ Christian thing they believe in. Sooooo, I guess this would have been a better weekend but I still would have felt rushed and unprepared for how I want things to be w/ you, meaning a better cleaned house, clothes shopping which I haven't done in a long time so I can hopefully look pretty and a little bit sexy for you, plus a few other little things I would have in place for your visit. ooooohhh mysterious! haha
Don't sweat it if this next weekend doesn't work. You will still receive a green light with me as long as it doesn't coincide with the same time frame when Tony will be here. When is Ellery planning to see you? I still say she is going to be all over you like flies on fresh shit! She is still delusional thinking that night of, and I quote, "lovemaking" w/ you was destiny created by God and she still thinks the two of you belong together and that she is your destiny! I hope her boyfriend kicks her to the curb for the way she is taking advantage of him and treating him like crap. Of course then she will sit on the pity pot and tell you a sob story so you help her again with your money. I'm sorry honey, but I find her behavior to be pathetic and distasteful the same way Sarah treated her boyfriend and uses him. Okay, I'll shut up now. I'm sorry , but that disgusts me.
It's another freakin' windy day outside. I have so much yard work to do but can't do it with the wind blowing. There are things I can do inside my house so that is the plan today. I was so exhausted that I fell asleep around 8:30pm last night and didn't wake up until 2am. My kids wanted out and my computer was still on so I sat down and stayed on it till 5:30pm this morning, then went back to bed for about another 5 hrs of sleep. Staying up all night talking to Tony has messed up my sleep pattern some, but I'm not complaining. :) He didn't call back last night and that's okay because I was in a deep sleep.
It sounds to me like Jeffery is still very much in love w/ you and I'm glad. I don't think he would ever abandon you no matter what and that is golden.
---- - 13 years ago
So if I come out to visit will you show me the nude pictures of Tony with his dick exposed? I'd love to see them. I betcha it is teensy-tiny, unlike my long sausage. LOL!
------ - 13 years ago
cached
start end start//cached
I'm leaving early to pick up Dan to see C. I'll see you tonight. I'll send Stu the hit rates in an hour or less.
Dinner?
x
--------------------------
Yes dinner. I still love you babe.
Jefferson
cached /end//
--------- - 13 years ago
cached
April 8, Fri [quote] start end start//cached
Dude,
Will you be around for Dan next weekend? Thinking of taking off out West Fri until Sunday evening. Let me know. Thanks. x, Michael
-------------------------
What's up, babe? Why are you going out West? Business or pleasure?
-------------------------
Pleasure. Will you be around? I will ask Charmaine this evening as well...but I'd need to know whether you can be around to fill in for her as I plan to be gone Fri afternoon until late Sunday. Even if she agrees to stay another weekend. I have not made definite plans as of yet...so cannot be sure of exact times. Let me know affirmative or negative please. Soon. Thanks dude. x
------------------------
Negative. This is shit Michael. What the fuck are you doing now? I want some detail before I agree to be your nanny again. You know I am under the gun with work and you need to understand you don't come first for me now. Why are you going out West ? Where out west? It's a fucking big country, babe. West Coast, Western Rockies, Pacific Northwest, Hawaii, West of NY, Westchester? London would be east, unless you take a circuitously long route, so I'll venture that the pleasure trip is not traveling to Ana's pussy. Be specific and offer some chapter and verse to replace your typical nebulous detritus. I want to be patient and I want to help you, so help me out. My goodwill has been spent. You are now borrowing on credit.
Love,
Jefferson
-------------------------
Okay dude. You sound really pissed off at me. I can fully and properly repay that credit tonight. Usual payment terms? LOL!
I am not spending the weekend with Liz...and I know that is what you are thinking by the Westchester inference. I am not going to do that to her and you fully know why. Additionally, I already informed you that I was not visiting London until after my surgery, if at all. Okay? Lighten up and go to the men's room and relieve yourself or stop acting like a dick. I asked a favor. You can't help me...fine. I am visiting a friend, a woman, who lives in NM. If you prefer, we can talk about it this evening. But if I am going to be subjected to another bitch rant and Nurembergesque line of questioning from you...then fuck it! I'd rather travel and take Dan with me. I know why you are angry and it' s not my freakin' fault. I do not control the airwaves nor the cellular signals. We'll talk later..or call me at work.
Mike
----------------------------
Before I forget I need you to send me the hit rates for the optimizing algorithms. Stu is still looking for replacement strategies for the hit rate and latency. Thank you for compiling that for us babe.
You haven't the faintest idea why I am irritated and frustrated by you. It is not due to the calls. You are in a difficult position with Elizabeth and what you are doing to her would hurt her very much. You have no issues hiding any of your activities from her when she is married and pregnant with your baby! You only clue me in to your whereabouts out of necessity. We will talk about this tonight when my mind is less distracted and my mood has stabilized.
Love,
Jefferson
--------------------------
Well, I don't believe I am the one who fucked around with another dude behind your back...so stop being a hypocrite. 'kay?
-------------------------
I made a mistake and you know how much I love you. I am not the person who acts on impulse and hides away so I don't have to face my problems and responsibilities. Like Lia said to you the grass is always greener on the other side when you prevent the sun from shining on it and stop watering it. Whatever the fuck she said last time that is what I took away! Can you get the hit rates to me by 4:45 before Stu leaves? Sending it directly to him at FI is the best avenue. Despite my better judgment, I still love you.
Jefferson
----------------------
I'm leaving early to pick up Dan to see C. I'll see yo
Sausage King - 13 years ago
Well, yes...my upbringing was quite insulated from violence. I suppose I was very privileged...in retrospect...though I never felt that way at the time. My mother always referred to me as her little prince. She told me I was wonderful and perfect all of the time. LOL! No abuse in my house. LOL! Yes, I , too, respect those like Tony who despite their upbringings and adversities are able to pull themselves from their bootstraps and become responsible citizens and make something of their lives. It was pretty easy for me to succeed with what I was handed. Let's face it. I know this. I remember in grade school (and I always attended exclusive, private schools) a boy punched me hard one time on the shoulder...it hurt! I simply walked away, whimpering, so then he punched me again in the jaw. So I cried loudly. I could not understand why he did this for no good reason. When my dad came home that evening, he asked me why the boy did this. I told him I didn't know but now I don't want to go to school anymore. He told me the boy did this because he could and because I allowed it. He told me to go to school tomorrow, whether or not I wanted to, and punch him back right in the jaw. My mother was aghast. My father was not a violent man. I told my father "no. I'm too scared he'll hit me again." He told me I had to do it or he (my father) would be very ashamed of my display of cowardice as his son. So I told him "okay" through my tears. Never hit the kid...the kid forgot about it.... and I lied and told my father I socked him. I hated lying. HATED it...but having my dad ashamed of me was a worse fate. So that is about as bad as the backyard bullying and gang warfare was for me. LOL!
I am still waiting to hear, definitely, from J. He is somewhat ummm... unsupportive with my taking off for a weekend. More on that later. I talked to Charmaine and she does not feel she can stay the entire weekend w/ Daniel again (overnight) as she took this weekend off to be with him (and as it ended up, we didn't really need her, though her presence always is a welcome relief). She said she can fill in as needed though...so I am partially reliant on J. J has a meeting next saturday with his investor from DC....so is not sure when he will be around...plus he is giving me a hard time. We had a somewhat heated e-mail exchange yesterday. If I were to leave for business...I think he would agree to take care of Daniel and figure it out...but he is well, displeased with me going out to see you when I have a pregnant former gf, him, and "other more urgent responsibilities." Guess it made more sense to stick with this weekend, in retrospect. If I had known your son was away I would have pushed more for this weekend. I'll see what happens when I broach the subject again today.Generally, I can talk J into anything....this time we'll see. Hmmm...maybe I'll forward you the e-mail chain and you can see for yourself. Quite uncharacteristic for him. Well, if it does not work out (though I still have faith...) I cannot and will not blame you this time. That is a promise. This will be my fault. But...I am still optimistic. I didn't want to bring it up again until I had a definitive answer for you. Hmmmm...I need to get there before Tony so Ic an be the one to break your celibacy streak. So, when you see Tony he will be thinking it has been 5 years since you have been laid and you will know that it was only a couple of weekends before that you had awesome intercourse a dozen times in 2.5 days. How you going to explain that one, girl?? I LOVE IT!! Ha ha Tony! I WIN!!!!!
Gotta run...the boys are calling. Later......
Storm - 13 years ago
How are things shaping up for next weekend? Is Jeffery going to be around to care for Daniel, and are you still coming to see me? When is your lovely visit w/ Ellery?
Storm - 13 years ago
LOL you're cracking me up! :) Alright, I see the humor and that was all quite funny and has me laughing. On behalf of Tony, I can say he grew up tough, being bullied by a kid that gave him a black eye when he was little, and then his dad blackened his other eye when he didn't fight back. He told me he grew up in The Projects when they were brand new. He said they used to be nice until the Puerto Riccans, Mexicans, and Blacks started moving in and taking over. Then gangs formed and there were turf wars. He joined a white gang called the Raino gang for self protection. He told me he once got stabbed in the shoulder and elbow and needed stitches and he saw some people die. He learned to be a street fighter using anything around him as weapons, so he is certainly no wimp. All of this a far cry from your upbringing. Still, I admire him because he has been a hard worker, went to college, has good ethics and values, was a good provider for his kids working two jobs at one point doing detective work on the side of his regular job with Amtrak. He is sweet as pie and very kind and thoughtful despite his rough upbringing. There are many more admirable qualities I am noticing as well. I have seen his dick! Yes, he has sent me a number of pictures. haha I can say he is definitely long and thick enough to get the job done! haha And more importantly, I know from how he has talked that he knows how to use it! haha I have no doubt that you do too! I may be the luckiest girl in the world very soon! haha
oops! - 13 years ago
Errrr...."MBI" should be "BMI". Stupid error. But I'll bet my brain muscle is bigger than his too...that makes two muscles which I KNOW are larger than his. Ha ha ha!
I WIN!!!!
--------- - 13 years ago
Ha ha ha....I think it's funny that you threatened that your "boyfriend" is going to punch me in the face. I am having visions of high school....It's like I made a pass at you at the school picnic and now your jock boyfriend is going to defend your honour (but do it on-line, not IRL).... LOL! Shall I bring my dueling pistol? LOL! Never called you a whore....not literally...don't think you are a whore, ma dear. I was just saying that if you liked being a free 900 number and that was your objective...I won't argue. Only I would never suggest it or never pursue that with a woman as I feel many...most...would be offended. That's all. Is this clear now? If your "athletic-built" short boyfriend comes near me, I'll step on him. Height has it's advantages and at 6'1" I am very lean, but mostly muscles (don't get excited...I have NO rippling muscles like Jeffery) with very minimal body fat...my MBI is as low as they come. Running and keeping fit has many advantages. Besides...since I am Asian...I took martial arts as a kid...so I could always deliver a crescent kick to the cranium. I think I can easily overpower the dude...and I believe my penis is bigger...ha ha ha ha!!!
Storm - 13 years ago
LOL Okay, .. perhaps I misread you too. This is how I hope we can always resolve any problems that may arise between us. We need to give each other time to explain and to listen carefully. I appreciate the fact you were willing to do something for me to please me even though you find it 'tawdry'. haha It's the thought that counts! :) Have a nice dinner, honey.
Jeesh! Cut me a break please!!!!! - 13 years ago
I am very sorry. I read you wrong, okay? I do not mistreat nor denigrate women. I have never taken advantage of a woman or forced her to do anything against her will, EVER...okay? Phone sex is not my thing....but if you really wanted it, I would d do it for you. Okay? I thought you were hinting that you wanted me to get all slutty on you.....Sorry. don't hate me :(
Off to dinner with the dudes...bro and J.
Storm - 13 years ago
I said it to get my point across that he would not appreciate your talking about me that way. I know he wouldn't. He is muscular and athletic, ... he told me he often has to lift tools and apparatus at his job that weighs upwards of 500 pounds. Don't be so sure you can take him. You basically called me a whore! How am I suppose to be okay with that? If you or Tony were strangers and I was acting this way, .. then I would be a whore! I love both of you damn it. I would hope you can see the difference here. Doesn't love injected into a situation change everything? For me, it does. Any act of sex with anyone would look smutty, tawdry, and sleazy if love wasn't involved. Am I not right? He and I didn't start out from the git go doing this, .. our feelings and desires for each other have led to this because we cannot take a hop skip across town and be together to be intimate to express our affections. This is the best we can do for now given our situation. It makes us feel close to each other and plenty of I love yous are exchanged every time along with the love talk to each other. If you want to see this as tawdry then so be it. It doesn't feel that way to him and I and we are the two who should know what it is all about because we are living it. C'mon Michael, please be kind.
Violent threats are never the answer, ma dear - 13 years ago
Why speak violence? Telling me "Tony would punch you in the face'? I've never hit anyone and have never been hit by a man (other than bro during an autistic rage)...and only slapped by a few women in my entire life. I am a pacifist. Why talk so violently? Why is it okay to get all slutty and porny w/ Tony...and when I mention it I am met with a violent threat? I've never hit anyone in my life and do not appreciate the assumption that this 5 foot 5 inch dude could even punch me and I'd feel it. Hey, I'm skinny but pretty tall and in pretty good shape (low body fat, super high muscle mass) and have a few years' youth on Tony. While I feel I would never hit anyone unless provoked...I think I could probably take the dude in 2 seconds straight. Just sayin'
Whoa! slow down there..... - 13 years ago
Darling...I could have easily called you to beat off if that was what I wanted. No? You keep telling me these things about how much you love Tony and the wonderful phone love making you two have. Sitting naked at your desk as he asked you to strip, the roleplaying, etc. I don't get it. Of what are you trying to convince me? You recall these things out of the blue so I assume you are hinting for me to do the same with you...to call you and talk dirty smut, obscene erotica and beat off on the phone. Only I feel it is cheap and tawdry...however, if that is all you want...I am game! I would never suggest it as I feel a lady may (or in your case...may not) be offended...that's all! But..if you WANT it I am 100% game! THAT is all I was saying. Don't be upset with me. I am having a hard time reading you. Okay?
Storm - 13 years ago
Tony would be punching you in the face right about now! Why are you trying to be cruel and hurtful to me? He is no longer a stranger to me Michael. Guess you missed the parts in my posts where I told you we love each other. That takes what we do out of the realm of sleazy 9oo numbers. This isn't just sex, .. we are expressing our love to each other. We've logged in many hours of talking to each other on the phone and we talk about anything under the sun and we truly 'like' each other and that has lead us to the natural progression of wanting to be lovers so we can express our feelings and affections. Over a thousand miles separate us, so we are making the best of our situation and it brings us closer when we can express intimacy and our desires to make love to each other. Why are you trying to make that seem like smut? If anyone is trying to turn me into a whore, .. then it is you coming for a quick booty call! Perhaps we both need to rethink this decision of your coming to see me .....
Ooh Mama!!! - 13 years ago
LOL! Well, you can be my little whore any time, just like Tony's. If that is what you want. How about I call you later for some free sex talk and audio porn? Had no indication you were that's all you were about, babe...but I'm a dude..so I'm game! Interested? ;)
Storm - 13 years ago
Au contraire monsieur, ... Tony is in love with me and coming to see me around Easter. Watch and see! I can tell he is sincere. This is love as well as lust flowing between us. AND I LIKE IT! I LIKE IT A LOT! :)
------ - 13 years ago
Yes! Exactly! As I said...that is precisely what happens when you call a 900 number just as you described...only Tony gets it for free! Great deal for him ! LOL!
Wow...come to think of it...maybe it wasn't your convenient excuses that turned him off to the visit or your being inhospitable...bet he figured why bother spending the airfare, expenses to come out to see you when he gets it for free via his private lil' ole 900 number! Ahhhhhh....now I get it.....
Guess I'm not that desperate yet, but you never know! LOL!
Storm - 13 years ago
I am laughing right now because I just read what you wrote, and I just got off the phone from another hour long conversation w/ Tony. And guess what we ended up doing? Yup, we just did it again with each other. haha I am actually sitting in my office naked at the moment because Jamie is gone for the weekend, and Tony ordered me to take off all my clothes and lay on my bed naked and then he told me what he would do to me. It turns me on soooooo baddddd! I love it, and it is like making love to each other because we describe and say what we want to do, and I close my eyes and go into a type of dream state just listening to his voice, and yes, my hand seems to have a habit of touching myself! haha My little friend is not needed when he is talking to me. He is going to call me again later this evening. We seem to be picking up momentum on this little playful and most enjoyable activity. I can't wait till this evening. :)
---- - 13 years ago
How does one "make love" over the phone? Do you mean masturbating while youa re conversing by saying arousing and/or nasty things to one another a/k/a phone sex? LOL! Never really had the guts to do that w/someone I cared about...awkward, I suppose. Although once or twice when I was depressed and traveling (maybe in Stockholm??) I masturbated when I as on the phone with J (similar to what you and Tony do...but no role playing fantasies). He was laughing at me but sort of humored me and then he told me I was a "low-life loser". LOL! I think I recall talking to my gf long distance when I was in grad school...she was traveling to the West Coast and we had been apart for around a week or so. I spontaneously started touching myself and stroking myself...I must have begun panting or something because she quipped "What are you doing? Are you beating off?" then she was all offended and hung up. LOL! What a perv I was.
Now, I don't want to hurt your feelings...but I think you are officially Tony's 900 number, like it or not. He is saving loads of money by not being charged by the minute by you!
I'll be back in a bit...bro's caretaker is here to pick him up again for a movie. Later...
Storm - 13 years ago
Hi M, ... It's a terrible weekend weather wise here. High winds are kicking up outside and there is blowing dirt. People w/ long hair like me abhor this with a passion, .. you can imagine the nightmare when caught out and about if I don't have a hair clip w/ me to stick it all up on top. Tony called me last night at 10:30pm my time and we talked till 4:30am. We made love to each other 3 times! Last record was 2 times in one phone call. We get into a lot of role playing and he is so good at it. It turns me on to no end. haha I've been his nurse, his little French maid w/ my little feather duster, his slave, his goddess, his queen, and a few others I shall not mention here. He asked me if I've met anyone else. I did not mention you and I dare not. I told him that recently a local guy here contacted me on the date site and is offering to meet me for coffee or something such as this to start up a friendship. I told him I haven't answered the guy back and that I am only interested in him. He told me ( acting like my lord and master because I was pretending to be his slave ) " Good, .. otherwise I would have to punish you!" haha Don't worry! He's harmless and told me he would never hurt me. This is just the way we play together. I asked him if he had anyone else he was interested in, and he said, " Nope, .. just you." He told me that he thinks he can finish up doctor appts. and hopes to be here for Easter to see me.
Hope your weekend is going well. Is Jeff going to be around next weekend to take care of Daniel so you can come? When is Ellery planning to be there? What play is she wanting to see? I'm betting she will try one last time to get you to go with her. Be prepared. She is still trying to seduce you, .. I know that for sure, no doubt from what she has recently said.
Storm - 13 years ago
Michael, .. It is sweet that you worry about what kind of husband or father you would make, but I have no doubt you would be a thoughtful and loving husband and father. Once you look into the face of that little baby, it's all over, .. you will melt and bond instantly with your new son or daughter and everything will fall into place. Your life as you know it will have changed, but that is nothing to dread. It will be something to celebrate. I suppose it is best we don't get too ahead of ourselves though. I will say I am worried too about her making it all the way through this pregnancy. My gut feeling about it feels positive right now. She wants this baby badly and if it survives then you gave her the greatest gift possible. I'm a baby lover in case you can't tell.
I have been reflecting heavily on things I have said to you in the past, .. advice and the such. I know some things I have told you, hurt you bad and I feel deep remorse and sorrow for doing that to you, .. truly I am sorry for that. I know especially what I said in regards to Liz was hurtful, but I said what I did because I felt certain there would be kids involved and I was coming from the place of worry about their world being torn apart. I was deeply relieved to find out that is not much of a concern since they are not her kids, but his. Still, I need to be much more careful what I say because sometimes I just don't realize at the time the impact my words can have on you. I want you to know I will once again try very hard to measure my words carefully. It is good we are about to meet. I think you will find some of your perceptions of me are not what you thought. I am very soft spoken and more passive than I should be at times. I say that because there have been times in my past when I let people take advantage of me, but I am a bit wiser now, .. at least I hope so.
Well, I hope you have an enjoyable evening, and I am most happy we are talking again. I missed you terribly ....
------- - 13 years ago
Best not to mention it to Tony then. I am going to feel tremendous guilt though if he is upset w/ you over me....or decides not to keep in touch with you based on me. That would really bother me. Is that a risk? Yes, give me some of your unwanted poundage please! I need it badly! I cannot gain weight...always had a hard time. I lost 8 pounds, gained 2 then lost 2 more...so I am still at my 8 pound deficit. Sexy huh? hope you like boney men, LOL! J does....odd.
Sent an e-mail 3.5 hours ago to J asking him about next weekend. He has not responded and I know he is in the office today. He usually responds to me immediately. He might be assessing whether something is up. Or perhaps I am being a bit paranoid. Maybe I should have stuck w/ this weekend giving him little time to think about it. I do not possess that ability to keep things to myself so if he asks me I will be honest with him.
Let me make this clear...I am not ill and I am not even closes to death..in fact, Tony is the one to be concerned about health-wise, not me. I love milking it for sympathy though. LOL! you were afraid I would die and if you denied me a visit you would feel terrible. LOL! IT WORKED!! Ha ha!! Well...I am stressed about the possible baby arriving and how my life has recently changed. I pretend to Liz that it is fine and I am not concerned or stressed. Otherwise..she will become very sad and overly concerned about me. I shant lie...I love her very much...so much, in fact, that it scares me and I do the opposite of what most people might do...I retreat. I am afraid of hurting her again and I do not want her to make a decision based on passionate impulse that she may regret. We remain separated for a bit to clear our heads. She is giving her marriage the old college try but I see it disintegrating slowly. He has been away in Europe so it gives her time to clear her head.
J is an awesome person. He wants to become Bro's legal guardian. He already spoke to an attorney about it. He assures me no matter what happens to us, he would always care for Daniel if I could not. I trust him. Aside from his semi-looney sister...sadly, other than J's friends (and he has many) bro and I are the only family he has. His family is a bunch of mormon missionary hypocrites. He was unhappy about the pregnancy telling me I was careless and trying to make up for past mistakes by repeating them and giving myself a 2nd chance....I should have thought of her and how something like this would affect her...I am selfish...blah blah...telling me that I knew once I mailed that letter that she would run back to me, but I did it anyway to fulfill my egotistical needs; but he always forgives me. We are no longer the same though...the unspoken change is evident. Oh well. We shall always remain close friends. Not sure what the future holds. I do love him though. He is an awesome friend and I am lucky that he crossed my path in this life. Not sure why he puts up with my crap, LOL...oops...gotta run. Promised bro I would pick him up early to see Charmaine. Late...Later.
I have been surfing online more than 3 hours today, yet I never found
any interesting article like yours. It's pretty worth enough for me. In my view, if all webmasters and bloggers made good content as you did, the web will be much more useful than ever before.
Does your website have a contact page? I'm having problems locating it but, I'd like to send you an email.
I've got some ideas for your blog you might be interested in hearing. Either way, great website and I look forward to seeing it expand over time.
I made it there! :)
Okay, going there now ... :)
LOL! OK--current season Motown Madness. Same place, darling.
We are talking about the forum that now severely limits word usage, right? Is it possible you can find me because I left a message for you there on that heading, then you can further direct me. I just don't know what else to do without further instruction. Sorry.
????????? Cripes. I type that into the search box and it keeps leading me to that exact heading you mentioned, but it obviously isn't where you want me to go. How can it be the exact heading as you mentioned and it isn't the one? I'm so good at this and yet I'm stumped..... ergggggg
try again.there are over 100 pgs of comments.
I went over to that forum and found that exact heading, but I didn't see anything from you there. It shows 4 pages of comments. What am I doing wrong?
Okay. You need to understand this, ma dear. Talking to someone on the phone and saying erotic, dirty or nasty things while becoming sexually aroused and while you masturbate is considered phone sex. I find it funny that you keep referring to it in it's euphamistic form..."Lovemaking". It really sounds silly and sophomoric. Tony's a dude...I know dudes. Stop being such a stubborn ole' goat and embrace it for what it is, babe. Trust me darling. PHONE SEX! I am not being judgmental. I have no problems with those who partake in phone sex...for whatever reason. I am just so damn phone phobic myself that I barely utter a word on the phone (HATE talking on the phone...always have) that you would not be turned on. Liz gave up calling me on the phone to "talk". She said it was boring hearing nothing but silence from the other end, and only me tapping away on my keyboard. She was unhappy. Told her "I am what I am"! What is this fascination that women have with talking on the phone? I see Tony's view though...the dude seems very alone and has no family and is ill. He meets a sweet, kind lady and all that is going through his mind during the day...he can finally express verbally to you, a sympathetic, interesting ear. Makes sense. LOL--I'm not like that. :D
Go over to the place where you were stumbled upon the no-life housewives. Season 8, 'go fourth..' , May 6.
To: goldengiant
4/14 3:08 PM
Not Read
Subject: Je t'aime Tony
Je t'aime is French for I love you! And I do love you, very much so .... I am in awe of you, and it seems like things just keep getting better and better between us. Our lovemaking is off the charts! And I like it! I like it a lot! It just makes me want more and more of you .... Last night I didn't want to hang up with you even though I was falling asleep. The last thing I really remember us talking about were the dead bodies in the water from the Titanic disaster! LOL I tried to stay awake but your sweet voice and all that lovemaking just had me so happy and relaxed that I was drifting off on you, .. I'm sorry. Was I making any sense in my responses back to you? I hope so but I barely remember. I just didn't want to let you go .... I love you, .. Barb
Well, if I get the block taken off my phone, ... would you be willing to call me once and tell me what those fetishes are? There is a fetish Tony has that I won't mention on here that I would be willing to share with you back! ;)
Have fun with Liz as I know you will .... :)
Dude (above) sounds like an illiterate losers and a fraud. Some people get their rocks out shocking others. Hermaphrodites or intersexed individuals are an exceedingly rare malady. Ignore the creep.
I am meeting Liz for our "talk" and hopefully...some sex play. I know she wants it too...but it will depend on time. I have to p/u Daniel , drop him at home...wait for Charmaine (who comes every Thursday night as when Iw as in London J booked her weekly on Thurs due to his corporate dinners). We kept her on for the extra help then. Then I have to be home by 11:00 as Charmaine needs to leave then. Hopefully, out little talk will last 10 minutes. LOL! I hope she doesn't want to have dinner out too or that would really impede my efforts. Oh...I suppose it is rather selfishly cruel to deny a pregnant woman a meal. OK--I'll pick up something for her to eat along the way, LOL!
Well, I don;t enjoy anything stuck up my ass either...adn I fuck dudes! I prefer to be on the giving end (pun intended). I have had dudes do that tome...not often..butif they wanted to. I do not mind it but it doesn't turn me on very much. I have had guys do the ass licking (women too) and digital penetration...and "meh" I prefer to be the 'dominant' with dudes. I am not into bondage with either dudes or women...or spanking...or gagging (well, not that type of gagging...LOL)...or pain...or punishment or role playing. Bea liked me to tie her up sometimes...so I did. Didn't' arouse me more than usual...but she liked it. She liked me to blind fold and tie her wrists and well...use your imagination. tony and I sound like very different sexual partners...hmmmmm....too bad you could not have experienced both os us in this life time. Oh well... ;) Too bad...you'll never know my bag of secrets...tricks...and the sexual fetishes and perversions that drive me wild. I will never tell you as I may make you say "yuck" to some things. It's a shame you never had the chance to find out :(
Oh my sweet ever lovin' God! I swear I always have the most unusual things happen to me! Here is the newest guy that is interested in me, and I've talked w/ him a few times:
schoolontime
4/14 10:23 AM
Subject: hi barb
thanks 4 the email i read it all please dont get me wrong i am not looking 4 sex that not what i ment by openmined ok here goes first i am a attriv mam i would say but one thing and i no u no the word for it i have both sexes down there i have the man thing and female thing and thay both do work was born that way and back then that just the way it was and first i wil tel u i am so used to it i would never want to change it but u know sometime people in r age grp take it diff i gues that y no photo i work at a very wel knowen place over here james
goldengiant
4/13 10:34 PM
that is bad news.......mmmmm you are being fresh and naughty might have to spank you for saying bad news you had me worried there......this time around spanking you will make you cum more than ever......Love Tony.....
matrixstorm
4/13 10:28 PM
Subject: Oh my God what you do to me!
Ohhh baby, ... I can't wait ! I have baddddd news ... I'm highly addicted to you! haha Love you, Barb
In answer to your question, I will do anything for the guy I love as long as he doesn't hurt me bad. The only other thing I can think of and I told Tony this as well, .. I don't want any gags put in my mouth! Yuk! How can that be fun? Is that anything you have wanted to do to a woman? I am guessing not. Tony just said, " Well, if you've never had it done before, how do you know you don't like it? " I told him " Trust me on this one, I won't like it. " He said, "okay".
I think the ultrasound will show the baby is still doing good and growing, so don't worry.
I was wondering about Frank and what was happening there. He and Sarah get too caught up and fixated on your life. And then they gossip about it and it isn't always kind as I have shown you. That's funny how Ellery is covering up the fact that you didn't really want to spend any time w/ her, and that her 'jealous' boyfriend is the reason she isn't going. She's damn lucky he didn't kick her to the curb for the way she disrespected and wanted to take advantage of him and his money to get to you. That's low! She is not the sweet, innocent, kind little creature she thinks she is. And I watched as she nagged and laid guilt trips on you to manipulate you into giving into her, and most times it worked and you conceded to her. She said some very unkind things about me and doesn't want to take responsibility for her own blunder at telling big mouth Sarah about your unfortunate night w/ her and then having Sarah first blab the news to everyone in a very vulgar fashion saying her closeness to you was your dick in her mouth! She didn't get upset and carry on and on about that one, .. sitting on the pity pot and feeling sorry for herself. But what I said pissed her off royal because I said you regretted that night and she was drunk! She can't handle the truth! Okay, .. enough about that one and I hope that story dies now. It's also funny to me how Frank and Sarah were downing her while she was trying to rub it in their face that she was going to be with you, and going out of her way to make them think you had special feelings for her and trying to make them think she was going to "make love" w/ you again. haha Now I suppose they're back to pretending they're all good friends. Whatever! I'm sure the gossip about you will start up again, .. so I'll let you know if I find anything.
I ran out of keystrokes. He is very very exciting to talk to. He is always asking me 'what if ' questions. Like last night, he asked me how I would feel if he blindfolded me and then had another person enter the room that I could not see of course, and then I was fucked, only I wouldn't know if it was him or this other person, .. so how would I feel about that? Good Lord! haha I told him I would be able to tell from the way he makes love to me whether it was him or not. He just said, " Don't be too sure! " haha Another time he asked me how I would react if he came walking into the bedroom holding a knife. I told him I would trust him. He said, " Good, because one of these times I'm going to cut your bra and panties off of you. " Oh gosh! He said , " Don't worry, I will never harm you. " He asked another time how I would feel if he got mildly rough with me and shoved me down on the bed and pretended to be raping me. I laughed and said I would love it but you're going to have a hard time getting me to resist! That made him laugh. Another time he asked me how I would react if he came in through an open window dressed as a fireman, and I told him I would love it! And then he said, " What if I was holding an ax? " I told him, " Forget the ax, we don't need it! " haha He just laughed. He wants to watch me w/ another woman really bad, and then he asked me if I would prefer he only watches or would I want him to join in. I told him I would want him to join in. He then told me he would only fuck me, not her. He said he might play with her tits so she wouldn't feel left out, but that only I could have him, not her! WOW! I loved that because he just showed me that it is all about pleasing me and showing me his respect and love, and not dwelling on this other girl. That is big to me because most guys I believe would want to be taking advantage of this new girl, .. but not him. He slays me how inventive and playful he is. I can tell from all this that our lovemaking will never get boring and the extent he is willing to go to is just mind blowing to me and leaves me in awe. I don't know what I did to make him fall for me over all these other women but I'm one lucky girl.
I'm glad you get to see her today and that you will have time to play with her and get intimate. That will help so much at relieving all that stress inside you. You asked if I remember being extra amorous while pregnant. I was 4 and one half months along before I even knew I was pregnant. No weight gain yet, and I only first got a hint of it one night laying in bed with my hands resting on my stomach. Right above my pelvic bone I happened to run my hand across there and was shocked to feel the slightest beginning of a hard bump! I did have symptoms of sickness and not feeling well off and on before this, but I didn't snap to what that was because Jamie's dad and my mom in law were also having these same symptoms, so we just all thought it was some strange flu bug. Maybe they were having sympathy pains with me and didn't know it. I didn't even show pregnancy until I hit 6mos, then I gained weight and my stomach grew rapidly. To be honest, I don't remember if I was extra amorous in the beginning of pregnancy. I know I sure wasn't once I discovered I was pregnant! I went into shock and panic mode. We only had basically 4 months to prepare for this baby's arrival, plus we decided to marry before Jamie was born so I also had a wedding to plan! No time for sex! I don't think Greg was too thrilled w/ me at that time, plus I didn't like having a big belly. It did not put me in the mood at all and I felt big as a whale and very unappealing. No longer looking like a seductress, .. let's put it that way! haha
*errr..."plain" s/b "plane". LOL!
Now...to me...the slave/master thing sounds boring and very 1970's-1980's. However, I would love to be a woman's sex slave. That would be awesome assuming she is very horny. I am pretty dominant in both gay and straight relationships...but I'd try that one. I think I'd make an awesome sex slave. Hell...I'll try anything once so long as it is not violent or involves inflicting physical pain on the other person (or myself...I'm a wimp).
Kicked Frank off the tech site when you sent me that post about his using an alternate name to spy on me. I got the mod to kick him off and now I feel badly...so I let him back on today. Let me know if his gossiping starts again. Doubt it. He apologized...didn't have the heart to say no when he asked me to allow him back on. He told my Ellery told Sarah and Dana that her bf forbid her to come out to visit me because she was getting to "caught up" in seeing me and ignoring him. He told her she could pay for the trip herself if she want to go. I think she didn't dare ask me for the money, LOL. thought you might like that one.
I don;t think that Tony can get a plain ticket that quickly w/out paying through the nose. I a able to get tix with little notice as I have so many corporate frequent flier miles...I don;t want you to get your hopes up about him coming out by Easter. Besides..it is school vacation week in a lot of areas so flights are already booked and over-booked. Good luck..but if he gets a clean bill of health...he still won't be abel to see you for 2 weeks or so. Just sayin'
I am really worried about Liz's ultra sound tomorrow. Her first miscarriage she found out at the ultrasound. I am going to feel terrible if there is no longer a heartbeat tomorrow. She will be devastated.
Well...I hope Horn dog's appointment goes well and he has plenty of viagra on hand for you when he comes out! After 5 years of no sex...you are going to wear that poor dude out. I still want to see his cock...badly.
I love love love horny woman. I have had every woman I have ever been with refuse to do certain things with me...except Liz...she has never said no to anything, sexually, I have requested. Little vixen. And she looks so sweet and innocent..ha ha. She's not!! Even Bea said no to some things I requested. It is such a turn on when a woman is so into you that anything you request...she does willingly. She has always been like this. Hasn't changed (lucky me). Are you like that too? If so...me likey!
LOL You're so funny! I love it. I must disagree babe, .. WE MAKE LOVE! If only you could listen in .... We talked for 5 hrs last night and made love 4 times! haha Our old record was 3 times in six hrs. He turns me on to no end. He told me it has been about 3 yrs since he had sex, due to so many deaths he had to deal with, ... both parents and his 3 sisters, plus his leukemia. Poor guy has been through a lot, .. and his ex wife is like a vulture circling around him always sending her 2 daughters over trying to expel more money out of him despite the fact he gets $350 a week taken out of his paycheck for child support until his two girls reach age 23 since they're both attending college. I believe their ages are currently 18 and 19. I wish I could get him out of there for good now. He wants to move from Jersey once he can retire in two years. He has one more doctor appt on the 20th, and if there are no problems, he's coming to see me pronto! YAY! Should be here by Easter Sunday, and I can't wait.
You and Tony together would give me a core meltdown just like those Japanese reactors! That would be sooo hot! haha You're dreaming though. Tony is extremely open minded and experienced, but he has never expressed even remotely any desire to try men. I asked him once what he likes done anally speaking, and he told me he doesn't want anything shoved up there, but he likes outside stimulation, licking, tongue f'ing, and just the tip of a finger insertion. On the other hand, he LOVES to do women back there, and told me he knows just how to break me into it. He says it happens best at the point of climax. Yowza. That's all I can say. We'll see. Since past attempts have failed miserably by at least two former lovers and remembering what that felt like, .. it's hard for me to get excited about this, until I remember that it will be him, and that thought excites me because I love him. He told me we will be doing things I've never dreamed of, .. AND I BELIEVE IT! Have you ever heard of a cat of nine tails? It's a whip he wants to use gently on me! haha He said it's all in the wrist action. He wants to use it on my pussy too. I told him I am not into pain, and he told me he knows how to use it just right on me to stimulate without hurting. Oh momma I sure hope so. He wants to tie me up as well, and I told him as long as I don't look like a pretzel, or am put in an uncomfortable position. He laughed and told me he won't do anything I don't want him to. There are some other things we've talked about that he is in to, such as the slave and master thing, and I told him I would love to be his slave. He told me, " You don't understand what that is all about and I won't treat you that way." Boy, that made me curious so he explained to me that he once had 4 slaves, and they had to do whatever he wanted them to do 24 hrs a day, 7 days a week! These women begged him to take them on as his slaves so he did. He told me that in that world, the master controls absolutely everything about them, telling them what to eat and when, where to work, what to do, .. no exceptions! And if they misbehave or refuse to do something, .. they get punished. So of course I asked him what was the worst punishment he ever dished out to them. He said he took one girl to a busy public area while she was wearing a dress, and he made her spread her legs so people could see her bare pussy. Another time, he put a coin on a tv and made her put her nose on it and stand there like that for ten minutes. Anyway, he told me he would never treat me that way, but these women got off on being dominated like that. When and if they wanted to be released from being his slave, then they were free to go, or if he tired of them, he would tell them to leave. It's all about volunteer role playing. I told him I still want to be his slave, but only for one evening, not for days and weeks on end! He said okay and told me I will make a good slave. :)
Whoa! Tony be a horn dog! LOL! The dude needs it baaaaad! Get him out there--pronto! How long has it been, again, since he has been laid? He is getting me all hot and bothered...maybe I'll take him for a walk on the wild side. Some dudes never realize how much they are attracted to other dudes until one plants a kiss on their mouth. Tony lives near me so it is ...technically...possible. Would you be jealous? What if we record it for you to watch. I think it would turn you on big time. Ha ha...think someone needs to explain the difference between the terms "making love" and "fucking" to Tony. I'd love to see his "KING sized COCK"! Lol! Love it! He is pretty funny.
Meeting up with my little sex pot later...only we can't have sex. Fuck! She is having another ultrasound tomorrow and because of the history....no "vigorous intercourse" until after the ultrasound. So I asked her f she can have an orgasm...she said "of course" just no insertion. So she promised to squat down and rub her pussy for me while she sucks my cock. Works for me! Then after that I might deliver her a nice, anal treat. I think pregnancy makes women hornier...do you recall that? I remember some dudes at work talking about that before. If this is the case...I may be knocking her up annually.
That is good then that none of his kids have bonded with her and they are all adults. I didn't know. Also good that Ana has moved on and is seeing someone else, but she wanted to marry you and move to NY, so I have to believe she is a tiny bit hurt that it did not work out for her with you. I'm sorry I mentioned anything about hurt people. That thought blazoned across my mind and without thinking, .. I wrote it down. Sorry. This is all good though, I'm happy.
Tony will be calling me shortly. He just left me this response! haha
goldengiant
online now!
4/13 10:21 PM
Most definitely we are going to chat tonight, you make me so fucking horny every time we make love......need to bring life to that kitty and make her purrrrrrrrrrrr slurp.......just give me some time to call, will be about 20 minutes or less.......then you will be able to sit on my face and rub that hairy bush against my lips tasting your clit with my tongue.........mmmmmm can smell how wet you are my queen......this time I do have a KING size COCK waiting for you my queen......Love Tony
matrixstorm
4/13 10:15 PM
Subject: I miss you!
Hi Tony, .. How did it go at the doctor appt. ? Do you still have the rash? Can we talk? I'm missing you badddd! We don't have to talk long if you don't want to, but just hearing your voice would be nice .... Love, Barb
p.s....I struggled with whether to send this to you...hence, it was sent very late. Looks like I should have gone with my instinct and not sent it. Never really know what type of reaction to expect from you. LOL!
G'night.
Ha ha...what a downer you are. Bringing something up like that "There will be people hurt...that can't be helped..." LOL--not the time. Why bring that up in the first place? It is so out there and not even germane to this specific conversation. Intentions are not in motion, they are intentions. This was the unspoken..this is not new or a revelation. Her husband will recover should she leave him. He understands. they are living separate lives. He has his current 2 mistresses to ease his misery. His children are 18-26 and have their own mothers. they visit their father once a year. She does not see them other than once per year too, and they have only known her for 4 years or so.... and her husband barely sees them other than the once per anum visits. Though the youngest is moving in w/ her father in Amsterdam this summer before she goes off to college.... They have their own mothers and they are all adults. So no issue! I suppose divorcing with a small child would be an issue...but of course Liz would never do that despite her cheating husband. What type of a mother would put a small child through that pain for their own selfish egos? My mother stuck it out as well when we were young despite my dad's serial cheating. I respect her immensely for putting our needs first. So no worries about his adult kids who Liz has never bonded with since they are older and never saw them much due to their relationship with her husband. I know Liz and she would do the same as my mother if she had small children to consider when deciding whether to leave a cheating spouse. J knows what's going on and he knows we were never forever...so he has prepared himself for this day...which I told him a year ago would come at some point. But he has no need to move out now. We are keeping things the way they are for a bit. We both agreed over the phone tonight. Ana has known about Liz since first we dated and strongly supported our reconciliation. Oh it is so silly how you think she ..at this point...would be an injured party. She is seeing a man in London...doesn't bother me! I am not hurt. LOL!
I guess our talk tomorrow will reveal more..but, no, I wasn't planning to come out this weekend any longer and I really don't think May will happen at this point either. Liz is obviously feeling more like she is not staying with her husband than I thought one day ago! So funny how life changes on a dime! Things have changed quite a bit, it seems. I suppose she could tell me she is still going to Amsterdam...but I am guessing not. Don't worry about me hurting her...I plan to love on her, a lot.
Excellent!! Bravo babe. That is what you needed to do to get the ball rolling. It's time for bare naked truth to pour forth from both of you and a direction chosen now. Living in limbo and not knowing what is going to happen is more painful than knowing. Wouldn't you agree? How can one even begin to heal until the final outcome is known? There will be people hurt, that can't be helped, but it is necessary now. I am guessing most likely her husband, his kids maybe, Jeffery, and Ana, oh yes and poor poor Ellery will be crushed! haha I will only be hurt if you drop me as a friend, .. because I will be happy to see you with her, knowing that is what you wanted all along. I cannot imagine her turning you down. I just cannot, because she wants you just as badly as you want her. I think you are headed down the right path now.
Honey, I think we should wait till May if you are still wanting to see me. This is so crucial right now that you come to an understanding with her as to what is going to happen, and you don't want to risk hurting her by seeing me, because it might just blow your relationship with her totally apart and I don't want to see that happen since she is your everything. It would devastate you, .. so give that some thought and let me know what you think, okay? I am not giving you a red light, I am giving you the yellow 'proceed with caution light' because you need to make sure she doesn't get hurt. Okay?
[quote] start/end/start
Hi Michael, Now I have your email addy! That wasn't so hard now, was it? I can meet you tomorrow. How is 5:45 at school? If you have to pick up Dan, then we can meet at 7:00. I can stay and practice or study at the library (Butler) on Main campus. Call me tonight after 9:00 with your preference. I have conferences all day today with professors, my academic advisor and the dean regarding fall semester.
[] [] Michael, I want the same things I've always wanted since the first day we met at Goldman. I want to be with you forever. My heart has been yours all of these years. I want to make love with you every night and wake up next to you each morning. I want no other man inside of my body, only you. I want to look at my children and see you. I want to experience the blessed sensation of you everyday. I don't want to try anything new unless it is with you. If you should die before me, I want to be there with you holding your hand when you take your last breath. This is what I want. This is what I have always wanted, but you knew that.
[] [] So there you have it! Elizabeth
[quote] end
cached
April 13, Wed [quote] start/end/start
Elizabeth,
Guess who? I am actually sending you an e-mail, so this should prove the extent of the love I have for you..... and now you have MY e-mail address, LOL! I attempted to call you a number of times. I have determined that you are either at rehearsal and cannot hear your phone ....or you are avoiding me. Don't avoid me darling. You forgot to say goodbye earlier today during our discussion. Were you in a poor coverage area or was that a complimentary dial tone I received? LOL--it's okay. I still love you.
[] []
I want to see you. I want to talk to you. I need to touch you. When can I meet you? Don't make me wait.
[] []
Answer me this, please....What do you want? You posed this query to me a few days ago and again today...and I seem to get flustered; and I believe I am, in my inarticulate state, misleading you, though unintentionally. Liz, I don't want to hurt you again by disappointing you and this scares me more than you could ever imagine. You see, you tell me that you are attempting to work it out with [insert/remove/insert]. I understand that and I support you. So I wait. I give you the space you request. I force myself to put you out of my mind. ...a useless task, an exercise in futility. I do not want you to make a decision based on me. I don't want you to do what you think I desire. I want you to never regret being with me, never regret choosing me. I know what I want. I want you. Don't make me say it. You know how I feel and that is why I came to find you after all of these years.
[] [] You announce you are moving overseas to be with [insert/remove/insert]. Away from me. I can only accept it if this is what you really want and need, and if this will make you happy. He is a good man to want to raise the child you are carrying knowing it is not his own. Is this what you want? I feel if you leave for Amsterdam then I have finally lost you, and our child. I will be honest in telling you that the loss to me would be unbearable, unendurable and emotionally devastating ... I could not muster the strength to tell you this today. I do not wish to influence your decisions. You told me you could wait for me if you knew there was some obligation of the future. That is fair.I am ready to give you that which you need because I want it too. I can't lose you a second time. But..please explain your decision to leave, pregnant with my child, to be with [insert/remove/insert].
[] [] Spell it out my darling. Tell me straight....what do YOU want? Be specific, please ;D
I'm hoping you two will finally stop torturing each other by being apart. You need to be together to share in the experience of this baby the two of you have created. Remember darling, ... Love won't be denied, .. it is a force of nature.
Yes, I will be fine, don't worry ...
Don't say yes if it will upset you. It might be hard for you to read it.
Nothing you said upset me. Really.
Liz did not pick up her phone--tried 6 times. Record for me! Had to resort to e-mail.
Want to read our conversation?
Okay. I hope my thoughts didn't upset you. I just wanted to make sure that if you do ask her to leave her husband and be with you, that she will be fine and able to handle your brother being part of the picture, that's all, and that you know it will not hinder your relationship with her. Michael, .. I think what she told you before she hung up on you says it all. She is saying, " Do you want me in your life or not? Do you want me WITH you? " She told you she is willing to wait awhile longer IF she knows you are making arrangements to make that happen. In other words moving Jeffery out, making sure your apartment is adequate for her and the baby living there. If not, you need a different place for all of you to live. What she last said to you on the phone is telling you she is ready and willing to leave her husband, .. she just needs you to tell her to do that because you are now ready for her to be with you. What she said makes that clear. Did you call her again?
You're forgetting that she had decided to try to work it with her husband. Never...ever...did she say to me "I will leave xxxxxxx if you will have me." She told me the opposite. I gave her the space she wanted. If she wants to be with me...she, too, needs to decide to leave her husband of her own accord. Leaving him because she is not in love or because the marriage no longer works or brings her joy or his because his philandering got in the way of her happiness. Her decision to end her marriage should not be based solely on my decision to commit or not. But she is waiting to make that decision until she feels she has a future with me. Is THAT fair to her husband? To me? Not that this is my concern...what is fair to him. But shouldn't she make that decision first....and not choose to stay with him ONLY because she has no one else? Liz knows beyond any doubt that Daniel is my top priority now. Daniel is not a child. He will not be kidnapped if he wanders ...he is a very normal looking adult man. He does inappropriate things and makes irrational decisions. He can be left alone and he can function...he needs assistance and guidance. It would not be fair to stay with someone because they are a good help with Daniel. I can afford to hire help and I just need fill-in support.And not to sound sexist...but isn;t it kind of the mother's job to take care of the whiney infant? Breast feeding and isn;t that part of the maternal instinct. I thought the dad's role with the infant is to cuddle and coo and do the occasional diaper change. I mean...I think you are exaggerating. No offense, ma dear. I think a little baby sleeps something like 12 hours a day ..... I can wear ear plugs if the crying becomes intolerable. It would not be fair for me to keep Jeffery based on his devotion to Daniel.they have a special relationship...their own bond....and they will always be buddies. I know that. Daniel understands this too. He knows J and I may not always be together. J told me a few weeks ago that if we split he wants joint custody of bro...I told him it was a deal. Only I think he was serious.
Fuck it! I'm calling her and throwing it back on her ....I am going to ask her what SHE wants. She told me she is staying w/ hubby to work it out and traveling overseas with my fetus , LOL. Then she is pissed at me. MAybe it is high time she put her cards on the table and tell me what the fuck she wants. In plain terms. I'm calling her now. Damn it!!!!!!!!!!
No spell ck.
I love you and I support you, whatever you decide. You are not alone. I think you may be misreading Sheila. She is trying to tell you the same thing as I am. The day of reckoning is at hand and you can no longer sit on the fence and have things stay the way they are with Jeffery living with you and her 'out there'. It's time to decide, .. Jeffery or her. Is she willing and capable of helping you to take care of Daniel for the rest of his life? Have you talked about this with her? Do you think it would stress out your relationship with her to the point it might fail? I know you are terribly stressed Michael and I don't want to add to that, but you need to give some thought to that and discuss it with her, and remember that on top of that, you are likely to have a newborn baby demanding much attention. I'm sorry to be bringing this to your attention, but it is certainly crucial in your decision making. If she can't handle that, then I don't know what to tell you. Jeffery can handle it, but he isn't the love of your life. Jeffery isn't trying to be an asshole either. He doesn't want to lose you, and the topic of Liz is very painful to him. You know he would move mountains for you, so try to understand where he is coming from. No one has abandoned you babe and no one is deliberately trying to hurt you. I am sure of that. Take a moment and try to refocus. You're just confused and feeling the pressure. Close your eyes for a moment and just relax and breathe. Imagine me bathing you and giving you a massage and some good loving, okay? It will all be okay and an answer will come to you. You will know what you need to do when you see her tomorrow. I love you, ... Storm
PS .. Keep talking and venting to me, okay? I'll help you through this ... :)
Next thing I'll probably get a call from London from Naomi bitching me out long distance, LOL! Let's hope she never catches wind of this development. She and Sheila will make a good pair--bitching in stereo. This day cannot get any worse. Oh, yes it can! J told me Bro was eaves dropping recently on our conversation and knows all about Liz and that I got her pregnant. So....although J urged him, begged him to keep his trap shut--he'll tell my mother. Iw as going tot talk to him about it tonight --but it's no use. He'll blab it first chance he gets. There is always the chance that he gets sidetracked and forgets about it temporarily so I'll hope that happens. The LAST person I want to talk to this about now is my mother. Oh good lord....THAT would suck having to listen to her harp on this.
omg...everyone seems to want to shit on me today. I told Sheila last week about Liz and the baby and everything...the whole story. The ugly truth. She is a huge Jeffery adherent (Loves him) so she was a little dismayed at fist...but knowing all about my history now with my beloved Elizabeth, she has been really supportive. So I called her in the office and told her about this latest development sinceI cannot work at all today and she kept asking me what was wrong. She said "Well, hon, that girl will be leaving soon then and living in another country and taking your little baby with her. It will all be your fault". I said "why are you being such a raving bitch to me about this." She didn't like that comment. She said "you need a knock in the head and this is your wake up call. She is giving you a WAKE UP CALL you spoiled rotten brat. Do something about it and stop complaining or get back to work." F-ing bitch. Man. there goes her Christmas bonus.
I am wondering if the people I assume are my friends --Jeffery, Sheila--aren't all a bunch of assholes. They are so unsupportive! This sucks. This is like one of the worse days of my life. What the fuck did I do to deserve this shit?
Darling, .. It is as I have told you all along, .. she is BEGGING you to tell her to leave her husband and come be with you, .. and I do mean, TO MOVE IN AND LIVE WITH YOU! She feels frustrated that you haven't done that yet because it is all just too obvious to me where she wants to be, .. and that is with you! Not held at arm's length away from you and asked to come see you when it is at your convenience or desire. She is suffering inside and missing you soooo much she can hardly stand it. You need to let her be in your life TOTALLY, or you need to let her go. You are torturing her, though you don't mean to. Do you see that?
Thanks. Not sure. I called her again. See....I AM pursuing her. She answered this time. I asked her if she got my message from last night. She did. She said it was sweet and she loves me for delivering the sentiment. I asked her if I could see her today/this evening. She is very busy at school and has meetings with her advisor and professors and does not know if she can make the time today, but maybe tomorrow. I told her I needed to talk to her about this more. She said it was a very hard decision...but it is not forever. I told her that I needed her here and I wanted her here and that I need to see her to discuss this. She said "discuss it now. What do you need to tell me." I told her I hated phone conversations and that I needed her to be with me, in person so I could properly express my thoughts. She told me that is not going to be easily planned for today...so "start talking" or we can meet up tomorrow. I didn't say anything. The phone was quiet for about one full minute. I was measuring my words...so afraid of saying too much...of not saying enough. If she were with me I could just hug her, hold her. So, she broke the silence. She said that it is clear to her that I wanted her seated on my doorstep, patiently waiting for me, like before. That I wanted her to be there for me in case I decide I can make the leap. Seated patiently. She also told me she loved me more than she ever thought possible.... but, she will not accept anymore indifference or indecision. She said "if you don't know now, you'll never know...I can wait for you Michael, but I need to know that there is some semblance of a future beyond your day by day differentiation. If you tell me that we can be together even sometime after the baby is born or after you and J are settled or even some non-specified day in the near future...I can hold on to that. So tell me WHAT DO YOU WANT?" I couldn't respond. I tired and could not. I only said, after a couple of minutes of silence... "I love you." and she said "I love you too." Then she disconnected. Abruptly. She was crying.
I called J at work and told him and he said "what the fuck do you expect.?" He is being an asshole too. What a shitty day.
Hi Michael, ... I'm sorry to hear that. It's okay you asked her not to go. It will make her feel good that you care, and you have every right to let her know how you feel about this. She would want your honesty anyway and holding back your true feelings would only create possible misunderstandings with each other, so it is always best to confess your true feelings to her, and then let her decide. When the pieces fall into place however they will, you can have no regrets because truth and honesty was always present. I'm really surprised her husband has never bothered to ask her what her true feelings are about you. Maybe he is afraid to hear the answer. She probably has that love glow all about her when she speaks about you to him, so maybe he already knows it is a deep love. Of course he could be in denial as well, .. who knows. You may also be right that he is thinking of trying to put her out of your grasp by relocating soon. If that thought has been in his mind anyway for some time, he would now see this as an opportune time to start making it a reality. Everyday that new things happen, it is bringing you closer to making decisions about your life Michael. If you really don't want her to go and you feel her slipping away and fear you are losing her, then maybe it's time to make the final offer to her that you want her to move in and be with you. Fight for her if you have to. I guess the last thought I'm having for the time being is, that distance makes the heart grow fonder, and this is suppose to be temporary, so there should be light at the end of this dark tunnel if nothing else, .. and I still think it is destiny that you two will end up together, so have faith babe and don't lose hope. Okay? Wish I could hug you right now ....
feel some guilt that I may possibly be making her rethink her decision now. I am exhausted and did not sleep at all last night. It is gong to be a long day.
I am not completely surprise as she has traveled with him before and stayed in Amsterdam and other Scandinavian and European cities for weeks and months. But this was when they were first married. She told me once that he always said he always talks about changing his home base form NY because he spends less and less timer there. I guess this is karma for me.
Okay. Then I am sorry. I misunderstood....misread....your intentions. You are correct that Tony (if he can break his habit of rabid phone sex and fly his ass out there to see you) probably holds more of a future for you. Yes. I do not, on any level, want to come between that or be the reason you two do not become close.
Elizabeth tells me that she is likely to be moving short term to Amsterdam to be with her husband. He spends quite a bit of time overseas with his work and has offices in Europe and other locals. He travels mostly,these days, between Amsterdam/London/Germany and of course his home base, New York. She said about 18 months ago his travel increased and she spent two months w/him in Amsterdam. I think this is his attempt to work on the marriage as he promised her. He knows he cannot be home much April-June so has suggested she stay with him. His youngest child, a daughter, is 18 and entering college so she is staying there from May--August. Her mother lives in the Netherlands too. She said she was to ask her Dr next week if this is okay given the pregnancy and her miscarriage history. I told her that this travel and temporary relocation concerned me. She loves Amsterdam and loves London so perhaps she will be happy there for a few months. She said she is lonely here anyway. I asked her about school ...she said she completes the semester Early May...so not an issue to leave May 1 and get her final completed early. She apologized to me and was crying so I could not be upset about it. She doesn't need the pressure. I also told her, God forbid, should something happen to this baby...I want to be there with her. She said to me "Michael, our baby will make it. I know it." I hope...for her sake especially...she is correct. I held back tears, fought them back with my might. Then I said (though I tried so badly to hold it back).."I can't handle losing you again. Can't you stay here with me?" She only smiled and said "it's not forever and things could change. and I haven't given (husband's name) an answer yet, but I am likely going if I get medical clearance. I am sorry Michael" I think I see what is happening. Her husband still loves her, does not want to go through a 3rd divorce, does not want to lose more $$$$. He probably is hoping to make his home base the Netherlands since he spends so much time there now (in all of Europe). He knows if he leaves her for 3 months that she may grow closer to me. She tells me he is is not aware of the extent of her feelings for me.... he never asked her if she loved me.Well, if he loved her so damn much, maybe he should have treated her better. LOL--guess I'm not one to throw out that judgement. Additionally, he had promised her to come home more often and he probably sees that coming home more than 3 or 5 days per month to NY is now impossible for him now. I stressed to her again that I was worried about her leaving here in her condition. She only laughed and said that there are plenty of pregnant woman in Amsterdam and London and I need not worry...there are very good Obstetricians and top medical care..it's not like she will be living in a third world country. So, I said "okay. I hope you think about it more." She told me she will. We did not become intimate...she was tired and I had to be home for Daniel. So that was that. It is killing me. She is slipping away from me again. I have a feeling her husband may want to relocate form NY permanently and this is the first step. I never mentioned this thought to her. Oh God.
So...when I arrived home last night....I was very tense and could not sit still. I kept pacing the floors. So, I phoned her..it was after midnight. Terrible, I know since she was so tired. Her phone was off. I left her a message. Very simple I only said "I have no right to ask you this, but don't go. Please don't go." So, we will see if she calls me. I don't know that I have the right to ask her not to go. I feel some guilt now that I am making her reth
LOL Baby baby baby, .. You have a real talent for taking offense where none was intended. Chill, .. my little polar bear! I was just making a broad general statement that we are both in love! I didn't know you would get out your 'love' yardstick and start measuring who loves who the most. I would have certainly agreed with you that your love for Liz has had time to grow very very deep, whereas Tony and I are just beginning but feel love for each other none the less. I never intended for this to be a 'love' competition. Okay? You win hands down with no argument from me. I still love you as deeply as I always have Michael, but I have come to terms with reality that your heart belongs to somebody else and most likely always will. I have Tony now and his heart is available, so that is what I meant when I said I have had a shift of my feelings. My feelings for you are still very much intact, but I'm opening myself up to this man that is showing me love and affection so I can hopefully find love just like you have. I really don't want to go through the rest of my life alone, though I will if I keep ending up with takers and losers. I do prefer being alone compared to being miserable with someone. Soooo, are we okay now with each other? C'mon, turn that frown upside down and smile for me .... :)
Is Liz okay? Did she tell you she wants you back like I think she was going to?
Ya know....you really pissed me off this time. Don't you dare for a minute think that your "relationship" (for lack of a more suitable term) w/this phone sex dude bears any resemblance to the extent of the love I feel for Liz. I GET IT NOW. Jealous much?
See you Friday. Not kidding.
"count" in the penultimate paragraph should read as "country".
Your second paragraph: "...I know you can understand that since you feel the same way about Liz, right?" Seriosuly? Are you intoxicated? Never mind the haughtiness, the utter rudeness and discourteous display of manners and acrimony contained in this entire paragraph, but the gall to think that you could possibly feel the same way about "Tony" as I do about Elizabeth? I lived with her for 11 months, went through a very dramatic experience with her. Fell in love in the flesh and actually slept beside her every night during our courtship. We talked of marriage, children back then and we were exceedingly close....emotionally and physically.... you know much of our history...and now we reconnect...find out after pining for her for 10 LONG YEARS years that we are both still as much in love.... and now she s carrying my child. Is there truly any comparison? You have never met Tony! How long have you been chatting with him? 3 months? You are sadly mistaken, woman.
When exactly did your feelings "shift"...and why didn't you tell me this yesterday or the day before or the day before that? Such bullshit. You could use a good hearty dose of manners and a few lessons in how to be hospitable. I am making a real effort to come out and see you and this is the thanks I get? Your rude, haughty response? Telling me you want to wait and see if Tony comes out first. Where did you say you grew up again..and learn your (rude) manners? In the count, you say...obviously it must have been in someone's barn.
Fuck it! I am coming out this weekend. Expect me Friday eve until Sunday. Better change those sheets because I am staying with you as you so graciously offered in your prior messages. One good turn deserves another. See you on Friday. : /
LOL Just saw your last post! Hope you don't mind dying along with me! But what a way to go! haha ;)
Yay! She isn't coming out because J is unhappy, .. she isn't coming to see you because she couldn't talk you into spending more time w/ her so she could snag your ass! haha She honestly had this illusion in her head that you would be her lover and boyfriend and future husband! I read how she tried to convince you that what you really need is a woman in her twenties! Remember that? Ohhhh and guess what? SHE just happened to be in her twenties! haha I laughed when I read that ! She was even trying to talk you out of being w/ Liz! Like I said, .. she wasn't coming to NYC to see the sights and a play ( unless you went w/ her), she was coming to "make love" with her Romeo! haha Count your lucky stars honey! You lucked out.
Lets wait till May to get together. It will give us more time to see what develops w/ Liz and with Tony for that matter. His last scheduled doctor appt. is on the 20th for this month, and then he plans to get here a few days after that so he should be here by Easter on the 24th, and plans to stay a week. He can probably even extend that time if he wants because he won't have to go back to work now until June 1rst. He isn't well yet so they're extending his sick time. I am feeling a bit guilty having to keep you a secret and, no offense, but my feelings have shifted to really loving on him and wanting him in my life so I would like to see how my time with him and this visit goes. I know you can understand that since you feel the same way about Liz. Right?
LOL Well, it might just seem like cheap tawdry phone sex to an outside person, but in reality between him and myself, it is making love to each other and it doesn't feel the least bit sleazy. It feels heavenly and beautiful because emotions and feelings are attached and expressed. It is a deep strong craving and desire between us now to be intimate w/ each other and given that we have over 1800 miles between us, this is the best we can do, and it does bring us closer together. LOL Heavy breathing is actually kept to a minimum! haha
This Hyatt Regency would be your best bet when you come to visit. It is only 6 or 7 easy miles from my house and is on the way to my favorite hiking place. It's beautiful, you'll like it! I copied to here:
Hyatt Regency Tamaya Resort & Spa Bernalillo Hyatt Regency Tamaya Resort & Spa Bernalillo
Place page
1300 Tuyuna Trail
Santa Ana Pueblo, NM 87004
(505) 867-1234
Get directions - Is this accurate?
I hope you enjoy your visit w/ Liz, and that nothing is wrong. I think she is going to tell you that she wants to be with you, not her husband.
Tony may be afraid to stick his hand up your skirt in the car...but I'm not. I'll sneak my hand right up there and slide my finger you know where...and I guaranty you will love it. Good luck driving...hope your front end is aligned.
In light of everything I told you and my honest feelings about Liz...do you still feel comfortable having me come? And if so...when? When will your little boy be home... away... or does it not matter to you? If I come you are remaining with me the entire duration since it will likely be only 48 hrs. So either I stay with you and your son hears us screaming and squealing in delight (LOL!)....or I stay at a hotel and you remain the entire 48 hours with me...without running home to feed the killing crew, get your mail etc. Got it? The 2 hotels I found which are quasi-sutable are LoPoblanos Inn on Rio Grande Ave, or Hyatt on Tijeras. Neither look that nice...but these are the best I could find in your Alb. Is there a Ritz Carlton, W, 4-Seasons or boutique Hotel close by or in the general vicinity? There are no 5 star hotels in Alb. that I was able to locate. This is the best I could find. This is your last chance to take a pass w/out pissing me off.
Sorry...try to convince me as you might...phone sex does nothing for me and holds no interest. I don't even like talking on the phone so I am certainly not going to masturbate while talking smut and listening to someone's heavy breathing over the phone. It's a bit cheap, yes? A bit pervy, wouldn't you say? Okay, I won't judge anymore....to each his own, but I'll pass on that fetish. Now...if you really love Tony as much as you are trying to convince me....are you sure you want me coming out and defiling you ....and then you're going to keep it a big secret? LOL---will he still be able to turn you on after you've gone 8-10 erotic rounds with me? I doubt it. Just sayin' ;)
It is either this coming weekend...or May. CAnnot go the following weekend...too close to my surgery...then I cannot fly for one week after the surgery so early May if this coming doesn't work?
Seeing Liz later this afternoon @5:30...she called me. She is fine health-wise, baby is fine (I thought she was calling me to tell me she miscarried). She wants to talk. She sounded down. Not sure what's up...maybe she decided to stay with her husband. sigh....
Ellery decided not to come out, LOL! Knew that would make you happy. She told me I seemed too busy and her boyfriend was having second thoughts about her traveling away. I guess when I told her J was unhappy that scared her away. Ha ha. Good...because I am too busy. So I guess my cockadoodle-doo is safe.
No spell check.
Tony was online at the date site last night and had left me a message :
goldengiant
4/11 10:51 PM
Haven't been feeling well......have this rash on my face feels like it is burning.....try to sleep and couldn't......I have a rash all over my body too.....had this since friday it started.......good thing I see the dr in a couple of days.......I truly miss talking to you as well.......my face feels like it was burning and still feels that way.......was wondering if I should go get something to put on it........So afraid I might make it worst though.........Will be chatting soon with you.......Love you, Tony.....
I replied back to let him know I wished I could help him feel better, and then he called me, so we talked for a few hours last night, and I was able to make him feel better, ... if you know what I mean! He made me feel better too. :) We get in this zone with each other and the warmth and the love just flows and penetrates me. His voice and what he tells me is so mesmerizing and soothing, and when he climaxes, oh my ever lovin' God does it turn me on to no end ! The way he talks so softly to me and the soft moan when he climaxes. *sigh* It even makes me feel inebriated and so light headed that I feel like I could walk on clouds and not fall through. He knows how to make love to a woman even over the phone. He told me that the lovemaking starts as soon as we're in the car. LOL I told him that if he sticks his hand up my skirt I will surely wreck and kill us both! haha He laughed and said, " Then I won't do that, but I'll be kissing on your neck till we reach our destination and then I'm going to slam you up against a wall and tear your clothes off!" Ohhhh momma ..... :)
LOL Of course you can! I'll baby you! Are you still coming? Do you know yet, or are we postponing for now? Don't be depressed Michael. All is very well and one day soon, you will be together with her. I'm feeling more and more positive about the baby's health too. You better start thinking about baby names. I say Jonathon Jefferson ( or Jeffery ) if it's a boy, and Jonna Janae if it's a girl ...... :)
3rd paragraph....change "professing" to "declaring". Professing one's love seems there could be some doubt. It was more of a declaration.
Also...penultimate paragraph...should have read "and one day I'm gonna hold you TO that devotion thing". When I type furiously and madly...I tend to screw up my prepositions.
LOL!!!!
Okay. But I don' think it is a good idea for her to move in with me now. This is too soon. Not with bro--who could take months...literally...to warm up to her. But, she is no Beatrice ( who is flamboyant, gregarious...etc.) ...she is more serene, quiet, sweet, soft spoken....so bro will eventually be accepting (but...I'm talking months). She is still with her hubby...so I think a change so soon would not be good for her. I am willing to support her in any way she wants...I just can't tell her what I really want because if she operates solely on that and I fuck up....then I end up hating myself. I want HER to make the decision. I want HER to be the one who decides enough is enough w/her marriage. I KNOW (yes....I KNOW) that I could easily talk her into leaving him now and coming to me....forever. I do not want to do that to her. I want it to be her decision. Offering my desires and my needs to her will only sway her. I want her to come to me and say "this is what I want....I want you to do this to make me happy." So she will be sure and she will make her decision uninfluenced by me.
The main reason I have never been married (other than my bisexuality) and have rarely entered a committed relationship is because of fear of being unfaithful. I will not cheat on my spouse or committed lover. It is not something I will ever do. Period. And I will avoid these relationships if I feel that there is even a small risk of this happening. Having written that, Yes...I do believe that I can give up women for her. I did it before (though that was only for 11 months) Yes. I can. I am sorry if that hurts you to read this. I still worry that I am not good enough for her and will not be a good enough partner for her. She deserves better....ha ha ...don't I know that!
I neglected to provide the precursor to our conversation (mine and Liz's) from last week before the incident when I was kissing her little pregnant belly. It was very emotional. She ..I believe..if falling victim to pregnancy hormone as she seems to cry more, tear up more easily. Anyway...we were once again professing our love to one another. She told me she loved me and I repeated how much I loved her and how happy I was to be holding her and how God Damn hard it is to be away from her...like a knife in my heart...then I could see on her lips that she was going to ask me what I wanted to do...if I wanted her to leave her husband and be with her. So....I began to enter her and make love to her again as to avoid the subject. It worked! So...it was not like the topic of what I wanted was pulled out of thin air by her.
I called her last night to check on her health. She is better. The morning sickness has subsided some. I then told her that in case she didn't know it, I loved her more than ever and that anything I do or say is out of love and sincere devotion for her. She laughed and said "I know you love me, Michael....and one day I'm gonna hold you on that devotion thing."
Now I am so depressed again. Can I have a massage? A bath? some hugs? I need some good baby-love...some nurturing care. J sucks at taking care of like this.
Good Morning Lover Boy, .. You're so cute. Honey, .. what you said to her sounds weak and appeasing. It sounds to her as if it is laden with guilt from the past and you are just trying to make up for it like you owe her that. In her mind, .. she has yet to get a clear invitation to come be with you because you still have Jeffery living with you first of all, so how can she fit in and be with you? I'm sure that is confusing her, and of course as good and fine a woman as she is, she doesn't want to upset what you have w/ him, but where does she fit in and how can she have a life w/ you? She wants that so badly and that is why she was sad with tears in her eyes. Trust me honey, .. she needs and wants to hear these words from you so she knows you are not just patronizing and appeasing her from guilt, .. " What I want is for you to leave your husband and be with me. I want us to live and be together! " Do you see the difference now? I assure you with no hesitation, that is what she is dying to hear, and once she does, you better have Jeffery moved out and living in his own place because she won't be able to pack a suitcase and get to your place fast enough! :)
But wouldn't you think if someone told you "I want whatever you want" "I only want you happy...so I will do whatever you want so long as you are happy" Or telling them, in essence, you will do for them whatever they want as long as it makes them happy that is all that is important. Does';t that prove...show ...the extent of love you have for another person? I don't get women. I just don't get them.
Darling, .. I am not upset in the least at anything you've told me. You speak the truth and that is what I want. Do you understand what it is she is begging you to tell her when she asks you, " What do you want?" She doesn't want to hear you say, " Whatever makes you happy." She is dying for you to say, " I want you to leave your husband and move in with me. I want us to be together." That is what she has wanted all along. Are you ready to give up all other women for her and the flirting too? I ask because you should not ask her to do that until you are. She is likely I believe to still share you with Jeffery since she knows that is part of your need, but I sincerely doubt she will be happy and willing to share you with other women. If she makes it to becoming a mother and I certainly hope she does, ... I would imagine her dream will be 'you and me and baby makes three' as the old saying goes. I think you are miserable without her and she is certainly miserable without you. Seems logical to me what the solution is, .. as long as you are ready for it. If you are NOT ready to settle down and give up all other women for the rest of your life, then don't ask her to move in with you or to be with you yet. Look what happened the last time you told her you were not ready to be exclusive to her only and you wanted the option to see other women! Don't repeat history and do that to her again. She needs to know that she is all you need to fulfill you. I am 100% sure of what I am telling you babe. The decision and the direction for the rest of your life is awaiting your answer. It is laying in the palm of your hand and Liz and Jeffery are just waiting for you to make up your mind. You are afraid you'll fail! No relationship comes with a guarantee of success, .. not one! You stick your proverbial foot in the water and you take your chances just like everybody else. Look at me, .. twice divorced, .. and I thought each time I brought to the table what was needed for a successful and happy marriage. I am one fine woman who is loving, and a faithfully devoted wife and still they failed. I fell out of like and love with my first husband because of his secret and I did not want offspring w/ him, God forbid! Second husband was not ready for the responsibilities of a marriage and being a father so he cheated on me. Again, .. mission fail, .. and if ever there was a woman ready for a domestic life and wanting a marriage to work, it was me. Now I've been on my own and single again for basically 22 years! Scared to death to try marriage again, .. but I would like to if I'm madly in love. Maybe three times will be the charm even though statistics show that the odds of a lasting marriage decrease significantly with each additional marriage. I am guessing Liz will not push for marriage in the beginning , and frankly I think it would be a huge mistake to marry her right away. My advice would be to live together for at least one to two years to make sure your being together is happy and working out, and then if you make it to two years and the desire is still there to marry her, .. then your chances of success would be much greater.
Regarding Tony, .. I have never thrown out any excuses or delays to him on his coming to see me. Honest! I have also told him recently that he doesn't have to stay in a hotel for even one night if he doesn't want to. I simply suggested that if he can afford the first night or two, it would give us total privacy from Jamie and the dogs intruding and then he could spend time at my house to make sure dog hair doesn't bother him and kick up his asthma. Does that sound offish? I hope not. I have no intention on even telling him we are talking again and I don't even mention your name in conversation. I'm really hoping things work out for him and I as he is a good looking and wonderful guy and I would feel so lucky to be with him and share good times together as well as the bad times.
Back and recovered from my emotional overload. Sorry.
Correction to my above post... The last line of the first paragraph should have read "It is hard for us NOT to be together based on our close friendship." The completely changes the meaning of what I was trying to convey!
Re: Tony. Yes...do not tell him about me. Not anything. It would really make me feel terrible...awful...if I was the reason for his no longer pursuing you. So please just keep it hush. Good decision. Really. But my gut and my sense as a man tells me that you need to get him out there to visit SOON...or risk losing him. Really. He is already "getting off" over the phone and by NOT being there with you...so you need to get back to conversing with him and get him the hell out there to see you if he wants to have another orgasm. I know dudes...I AM a dude and I fuck dudes. I know how "our kind" thinks! Don't dissuade or overload him with silly incidental issues and flimsy excuses.Do not suggest a hotel..it is cold, and a man is never going o tell you if $$ is an issue, even if it is. Trust me.
Okay. Let me respond to your concerns one by one. Firstly, there has been no recent "damage"
to my relationship with Jeffery. This has been ongoing. I am not gay. J is gay. I am slanted a bit more toward females than males...60/40 as far as my orientation. J knows all of this. This relationship with him always had an expiration date. In the gay community...you do not see a lot of dudes who identify as bi in longterm relationships with other dudes. Most bi dudes have flings or short terms w/ other dudes. I am an exception because J is tenacious, head over heels in love with me and very goal oriented..and wants very badly to hang on and will until his last breath. Because he is so fucking gorgeous and the sexiest dude I have ever been with, fantastic lover (not to mention his huge cock--sorry, it does turn me on--I guess I am superficial)...it is hard for me to dump him. He wants to hang on. I love him...but would let him go now if he would allow it, only for HIS sake. I never see myself ending up with a man forever...I enjoy the company of females and I like certain things about women...emotional things.... men just cannot provide. But he will not leave me. This is really his problem, not mine. But...we are really good, close friends and have a lot in common. J needs to be removed from the equation here. He is not mad because of what I am doing to him...but because I have a woman whom I love, who is married, and is now pregnant by me...and I am still "not satisfied" ...as he puts it. So...haven't written that....I really do appreciate everything that J has done for my brother, for us, and I do owe him big...I know that. He is my best friend. It is hard for us to be together based on our close friendship.
Re: Elizabeth...well, she feels she has to give her husband a fair turn. I think that is sensible and I told her I agreed. I lied. I don't want her to give him a chance....while I think it may be the morally right thing to do in this instance. emotionally speaking, I want her to drop him like a bad habit. I am not saying that she should, mind you, nor would I ever suggest anything of the kind as I still do not know that I can be a good partner and father...I just don't know yet. Why have her leave him and cleave on to me now with my uncertainties? So... her husband knows about the pregnancy, knows about me...and still wants her. I give him props. He must love her, right? I mean..he is making a bit more effort. Will he change? I don't see it...but he deserves a shot, I think. For all intents and purposes, she has decided for the short term that she is to try to see if the marriage is salvageable. I think she needs to do this. Does she want to? I don't think so. I see the way she smiles at me. It is undeniable. Sorry...that sounds very vain...but it is true. It scares the living hell out of me.
I hope it is okay for me to tell you this and you don't get too upset at reading it. I saw Liz just over a week or so (?) ago. We got together, and of course we ended becoming intimate. After our activity when we were lying in bed, I began to kiss her naked body....primarily her abdomen...the area where her womb is positioned. Kissing her skin of her abdomen gently presumably in the region where our baby is growing. Gently kissing as she was stroking my head, my hair. It was nice. She quietly asked me as I was kissing what I "wanted". I knew exactly what she was asking.I told her that I wanted for her to have our baby and for it to be healthy. She said "but Michael what do you want from me.?" I told her I want her to be happy. She then asked me what I wanted...again. I told her I wanted whatever she wanted. She asked again..."Michael, what do YOU want?" I repeated that I wanted whatever she wanted...whatever made her happy. She looked sad, disappointed. Her eyes welled.
Sorry..I have to go..later.no spell chk.
correction: should have spelled 'chord' instead of " strike a 'cord' " LOL Duh! Brain obviously on autopilot. :)
I always laugh at your humor, .. you are so funny and I love that. On a serious note, .. I just want to make sure you won't feel guilt or remorse afterwords for hurting or disappointing either Liz or Jeffery by doing this, .. and I'm thinking you might. Your relationship w/ J has been damaged already and you don't want to make it worse. His remark that you really have the nerve to ask or do this does strike a cord of truth considering he is still sticking by you despite your telling him that Liz is the love of your life & not only that, you got her pregnant and may soon be a daddy. Any other guy would have likely split on you. I don't want to be the reason, a further fracture happens between the two of you. You need him Michael so think twice about this and just make sure it won't push him over the edge, okay? If she told you her decision is to stick it out w/ her husband, then I see your point of view that you can't stay in limbo in the mean time, and therefore you would have the right to see other women. Have you actually offered her the chance to come be with you, and to leave her husband? If not, .. she may be waiting for that.
On my side of it, there is just no way I can tell Tony about you, which means keeping it secret from him. Last he heard, .. you and I quit talking to each other and I think that is why he came back to me, so knowing we are talking again would likely drive him away again and I don't want that to happen. He doesn't appear to have anyone else he is interested in, but he is constantly getting hit on by ladies on that date site, and he even sent me a recent picture a lady just sent him a few days ago of herself clad only in her bra and panties w/ her legs spread wide open to the camera! He doesn't even know her or who she is! Hasn't even talked to her at all. He told me he gets nude photos of women coming onto him all the time. He doesn't even bother to respond to them because he knows right away they aren't what he is looking for and feels they are just wanting sex. He wants more than that, and he and I started out getting to know each other and we've bonded and are where we are today, .. declaring that we love each other. The thing is, we have not actually declared that we won't see anyone else to each other. He just asked me if I'm seeing anyone else and I told him about a recent local guy that is offering to meet me, but told him I have not responded back to this guy and that I really didn't want anyone else, .. I just wanted him. He liked that. I then asked if there was anyone else he was interested in, and he told me not at the moment. NOT the greatest answer in the world as that left me feeling that maybe his door was still open to that possibility since dozens of new women contact him daily, so I cannot be sure he isn't communicating w/ other ladies, but it feels like I am his number one priority. He seems very forthright and honest and told me he has a couple of female friends he talks with but that they are just friends. So, that is my situation and I feel a tad of guilt that I cannot tell him about you, .. but I know it would be a fatal blow to my relationship w/ him, and I don't want that. Since he and I are not officially committed to only each other and I can't be absolutely sure he is completely faithful to me and will not start up w/ another woman, .. I guess I feel my options are still open of a sort. Mixed feelings about this, honey. That is as honest as I can be with you. I've always wanted the day to come when I could be with you, but also want it to be without hurt to you or others. I've disappointed you so many times that I will not be the one to say no to you this time. I'm going to let this be your decision, okay? Just take enough time to weigh it all out and see if this is again the right timing for this to happen. We can always skip this weekend & plan for another time when things are more stable & we feel more sure of this. That's an option.
I was still planning to come. Do you still want me to come? I warn you when I come...whether it be this weekend or another...there is no way, baby, I am sleeping in a hotel...I plan to plant myself in your bed and get up only to pee and eat...and I can hold out for a loooong time without food. So you may want to work on some cardiovascular strengthening as I plan to be very high energy. Plan accordingly. Don't care if you think I'm rude by informing you outright of my intentions to sleep in your bed...that is just the way it is going to be...so think about it. ;)
Ha-ha...Tony-baloney....that's what you'll think of him when I'm through with you.
Okay...on a more serious note...I do need J to condone this to a degree. If he does not agree to be there for bro...then it is a no-go. I think he will...eventually...he always does tend to give in to me. But he seems disappointed in me a bit this time.
how do YOU feel about this? Be candid, honest. I have been honest with you. You know how I feel about Liz and you know my situation. I have not lied or left anything out. I will respect your honest answer.
Regarding asking Liz about seeing other women....well, she is married so it makes little sense to ask her permission...however, yes...I feel she will be very hurt. I think she would say it is fine and even smile...but probably shed a tear and feel somewhat betrayed by the declaration of love I made to her. Last she told me...whether she wants to or not....she was attempting to work it out with her husband. So, do I remain here and wait for her to work it out or not? Sit around waiting for her final verdict? Or do I live my life and see what happens. I think it might stress her out knowing I am being physically intimate with another woman...even though she knows she is still with hubby, technically, and we have not yet talked about having a relationship. If you would feel better, I can talk to her about it...ask her, feel her out. Yes, it would be hard for me to do that..to bring this up with her , but I suppose it is the right thing to do. All of a sudden I am beginning to feel really guilty. I guess because she is pregnant and the pregnancy tenuous...I feel badly about upsetting her when I am the one who put her in this difficult position. I don't want to hurt her. I am very bad about guessing or judging reactions before they occur. I think she would be calm and say it is fine with a smile. But maybe feel sad alter. she is very emotional these days. Last time Is aw her she kept crying and could not stop. I think it is the hormones.
I checked her out in that catalog that you told L about. She is pretty and makes a good model. I would have to imagine they were intimate as well. Strange how J is totally gay but makes her the exception. It just seems to me that if he isn't turned on by women, then how can he get an erection let alone agree to stick it up a pussy if he finds that distasteful? Must be that he loves her enough to get turned on.
In regards to how Liz would feel about you being with other women while you are apart, why not ask her? Are you afraid of what the answer might be? Or do you already know how she would answer? Just curious. I am guessing she would struggle with that just as I do. She wants you happy, .. I want you happy, .. but the thought of you loving on another woman has always been painful, and it takes all the will power I have to overcome my own desires of being the only woman in your life, and to focus instead on what your needs and desires are, and therefore putting you first so you are happy and fulfilled. I think Liz is probably thinking as I do that if you have J to satisfy your sexual needs, then hopefully you won't turn to another woman. Her and I cannot give you what J does, so it is easy to accept him as a necessary part of your life. It is not so easy to accept that you want another woman and have desires for another female. I'm being very honest here because I think that is likely why she easily offers up J to you in hopes you won't seek another female. Also because she knows he is so good to you, so of course there are the other reasons as well, such as his love and care of Daniel to lesson the burden on you. So, with all that said, are you still planning to visit me this weekend? LOL I still need to know so I can plan or not.
Sam visited J in DC. She was supposed to visit him in NY but he had to fly to DC with very little notice. She was annoyed when J asked her to reschedule...so he booked her on a flight from NY to DC the day after she arrived (she had plans to stay with a friend in NY and did not want to back out). So I had the privilege of picking her up at the airport and then taking her back the next day. She is so hot in person. Stunning. Even better looking than her pictures. she looks like a younger version of Halle Berry (not that anything is wrong with the original version of Halle). Very exotic looking, she is Bengali and English, just how J likes it. She is shorter than I would have guessed and has very nice natural titties...she looks quite young for 34--closer to her 20's. She made me nervous being so close in proximity to her. She was very nice, very sweet and smart. I wanted her...but J warned me if I made a move he would squash me. She wouldn't have me anyway...not after hunky J and his big dick. She is so enamored by him still...basically unabashedly confessed to me that she still loves him. I am sure they fucked...but he did not mention this and I don't really mind. They are very, very close and I think she just want to be closer to him, be intimate with him out of pure love. He likes to make her happy too. I am thinking they did it because he never mentioned that they didn't and he isn't giving me a hard time about being intimate with Liz. But this is just a guess. Matters not me...all is cool.
I bet you she will not cancel on you! Any time she has with you will still be the highlight of her life, and she will try to get you to linger with her to go do something else, so make sure you have an excuse to get the fluck out of there after lunch! I'm thinking that since it sounded like you couldn't do dinner and were backing out, .. she then opted for a lunch date to salvage some time with you. She may beg you to see her back to her hotel! Run, don't walk, in the opposite direction! LOL When are you doing this with her?
Ha ha...I am very bad at keeping secrets. V-E-R-Y bad. I tell too much and am too forthcoming. Liz told me a few times that she doesn't feel she can make any claims on me or tell me not to see others because she is still technically married. She knows that J is still living with me and she knows that we still make love often and she knows that I love him but that it is not near the way I feel about her. I told her...the last time I was with her when we were intimate... that being with J made me crave men less as he fills that part of me that is attracted, sexually, to dudes and that J still wanted to keep the physical relationship going in spite of my spoken love for her. She looked me in the eyes and told me that she wanted me to continue to make love with him and for him to get me aroused and make me feel good and make me come. She said that he is such a good man and that she knows how good he has been to me and to Daniel and that he makes me feel good and she doesn't want me to give that up now. She said she cannot be with me now so she wants him to take care of me and make me happy and to take care of me and satisfy my needs, all of them. She meant it...I know she did. I have to admit though...I don't think she would necessarily feel the same way about another woman, though I do not know for sure. I won't deny that being with other woman may hurt her. She would never tell me not to be w/ woman given her situation...but, I would guess it may hurt her. I cannot be sure, but it could hurt her, though I know she would forgive me. She is very nurturing and always did these wonderful womanly things for me...cook, rub my back, bathe me, make love to me whenever I wanted and how I wanted...any way and anything I wanted, LOL! She is that type of woman, person...unlike J who is a dude so not into the feminine nurturing role...but things have changed a bit since the last time I was with Liz 9-10 years ago...now I have this need to protect her, to care for her I want to make sure she is okay and happy and taken care of properly...not sure why. Just to protect her and I am not sure what I feel this need to protect her from. J thinks that because she is pregnant with my child...it is a biological urge to protect the woman carrying your progeny for survival sake. Perhaps. I do not know. She is 11 weeks now and the baby is thriving so we'll see. I am afraid my absence from her life is causing her some pain but I don't know what else to do. I told her Friday when I called her that I still loved her so very much...(through my tears)... and she just said "Oh, I know that darling...don't be sad. You don't even have to tell me you love me...I know it, you don't have to worry about me; I am fine. "
I told Ellery that J was pissed off at me lately and that having dinner with her might push him over the edge (I exaggerated a bit as J is rarely, if ever, pushed over the edge). She told me that she was to go to a play with her friend who lives here and that we could do only a lunch. I told her that was fine, but either J or Daniel would be coming with me or else J would be annoyed. LOL! She said "okay". Bet she'll cancel now. LOL! I think she now realizes she won't be getting any alone time with my dick!
no spell check....
Hi M, .. Don't think of it as throwing it all on me. I want you to. It's good for you to put your thoughts down in black and white so you can further process what is happening to you and around you. I don't have any advice to offer other than take it day by day. Jeffery's advice is enough for you to think about without me adding to it. You don't need more noise coming at you, ... you have enough to deal with and process, so I just want to offer you a listening ear and my emotional support. I will say don't let fear hold you in it's grasp and have power over you. Always think positive and you are more likely to have positive results. You just need to figure out what it is you really want, and make it real. I do understand the fear that can happen when you love someone so much that it is scary, because the thought of losing them is devastating. Life is fragile and circumstances can change on a dime. That is why you don't want to waste even one moment of having the chance to show love to the people you care about. You mentioned that when you go to visit Ana, that you don't plan to make love to her. Are you sure you're being real about that? What will that visit do to her? Will it comfort her or cause her and you more pain in the long run? I don't know the answer to this and I only pose the question as something you also need to consider. Jeffery is right honey, that if Liz knew you were turning to the comfort of other women while she is carrying your child, it would hurt her like hell. And if you try to keep it a secret, then are you able to handle the guilt you might feel ? From what I know of you Michael, .. you are not able to carry secrets around with you for very long. I think somewhere along the line, you would feel compelled to tell her, so as you know her to be, how do you think she would react to that news? Nothing has happened yet, so take your time and think about this, because I know the last thing you want to do is to cause her more pain. I hope my thoughts help you and not hurt you, otherwise I have said the wrong things to you.
We are jumping ahead of ourselves here...I only want her to take the baby to term w/out suffering the devastating loss of another failed pregnancy...baby names are so far down the line, LOL! The way J has been pissed off at me lately..not sure he would deserve such an honor. He has been a little perturbed with everything I do. He is very disappointed in me that I allowed this to happen. Whatever. Not much I can do about it now and I did not, at the time, think pregnancy was a risk...but mea culpa for not asking her about birth control....and mea culpa to her for assuming I would stop before ejaculating to stick on a condom. J dislikes his name anyway. His parents named the male children after 19th century US Presidents. Yes, really. And they are mormon so there are lots of them. He and his brothers Lincoln, Grant, Jackson, got dealt the best hand. Not as lucky were brothers Hayes and Adams. At least the girls were given normal names. He is known as "Jeffery" now anyway. He disliked Jefferson so that he switched it himself in college to the more common given name..hence, the odd spelling. Doesn't matter as his name is always spelled incorrectly (as Jeffrey) everywhere, including the press. Nobody gets the spelling correct...including even me sometimes. He doesn't mind it as much and legally, it is still his name. He still refers to himself as Jefferson and "Jefferson" is imprinted on his checks, etc. Anyway, I had to deliver some good man love to him last night so he would stop being so irate toward me. I think it worked...he was all lovey toward me last night..though this development with Liz is really hurting him. I won't lie...he is annoyed I am asking him to watch bro to see you. He told me when we spoke on Friday evening that I "had a nerve" to ask him after everything that is happening. He is softening though and I think he will probably be fine....he is very disappointed in me. Says I am running away from my reality so I can cope better.... and trying to forget about what I have here. He said I had to "be a man"...LOL! He thinks I was trying to see Ana (but had to cancel because of the surgery) in an attempt to ignore what was happening here with Liz. He thinks I should be a man and tell Liz that I am going to be with other women, if that's what I want, and see what her reaction i to that. He thinks it is unfair of me to contact her when I knew all along she would run back; then knock her up and proceed to galavant about with other women. He thinks that even though she is technically with her husband, that surely I know full well she does not want to be there and yet, I still act like I am single. He thinks I am afraid and having something akin to "cold feet". He thinks I am mistreating Liz, though not directly. Okay..so I am just telling you this so you know what is going on. I called Liz on Friday after J's guilt trip. She was at school still...later than usual...in the medic's office as she was feeling sick (she says "morning sickness in the afternoon"). She was vomiting a bit and was dizzy so was getting hydrated and resting before she drove home. She told me she was otherwise fine. I asked her if she needed me there and she responded "that's okay Michael...you don't need to come, I'm fine...only if you want to." SO I told her okay and to let me know later this evening how she was feeling. She just said " I feel fine...I love you." I told J when I got off the phone and he responded "you are such an ass. She is sick and dizzy from carrying your baby and you can't even see her, pick her up, drive her home, bring her here? she has no one else, be a man and stop acting like a jerk." But, I never called her back. I guess I am scared that we will get too close and I will become too emotionally dependent on her because I love her so damn much...and then she will lose the baby...again...but in a different way. I don't know if I can handle seeing her go through that pain again. Sorry to throw my shit on you.
Okay, .. I've been thinking about your baby all night now and focusing in as best I can and letting my mind receive images and thoughts about it. I keep picturing a tiny, smaller than usual baby boy, maybe 5 pounds, not sure, but tiny and wrapped in a baby blue blanket. Seems to be healthy, just small. Olive complected, dark hair, rather almond eyes, looks like you! I could be getting this name from my own desire but it is strong in my mind. Do you like the name Jonathon Jefferson w/ your last name? Yes, middle name is in honor of your best friend Jeffery. That name would give him so many options! Jon, Jonny, J., JJ, or Jeff, Jeffery. haha I'm already naming your baby for you! If I'm wrong and it is a girl, you could name her Jonna! I don't believe I have ever heard that name. I just made it up. I think that is a pretty name. How about Jonna Janae, or Jonna Jane. That would give her plenty of options too!
I'm glad you're happy at what I said. How far along does a baby have to be to survive beyond the womb? Do you know?
I was premature at birth weighing less than 6 pounds....delivered 6 weeks early. It can be hereditary. My birth occurred after my mother had four successive miscarriages.
Yes....I like it. I like it very much. Thank you.
I am so damn afraid if she loses this child I will not be able to handle it and this scares the living hell out of me like you won't believe.
I am very hopeful about this baby making it, and I am not feeling anything amiss with it so far. If I start to get a bad feeling, I will be honest and let you know. What I see and feel possibly happening at this point is a possible premature birth, but I think the baby would be far enough along to survive. I don't know why I have that scenario playing in my head, but I do. I kind of hope I'm wrong about that because I would like it to go full term so the baby doesn't risk health problems. That is just my honest gut feeling right now. That baby knows it is much loved and wanted so as long as the uterus can support its life and growth, all should be fine. I am trying not to worry and think positive, because if it doesn't make it, then I know how you and her are going to feel, and I don't want that at all. Let's stay positive and envision it all going well. I have the feeling it will be a boy! I hope I'm right.
I think it would be a good idea not to tell your mom yet because it will cause her worry. If the baby doesn't make it, God forbid, then may be best she never knows about that tragedy. But if it becomes far enough along to survive outside the womb, then perhaps that would be a better time to tell her.
I have always believed that some things are just meant to be, and I believe in intuition, and you know that. That strong feeling you had that you could not shake that she was calling out to you and needed and wanted you turned out to be true. That should be your proof that we have more than the five senses. Intuitive or downright psychic feelings and/or visions is the sixth sense given to us if only we pay heed to it and try to develop it. As Jeffery seems to believe about Liz, the baby which was conceived the very first time you made love to her again, it all feels like it was destined to me by whatever this higher power is that we are all apart of, .. this life force or Universal Mind. I won't say more than that as I don't want to set you off about what exists and what doesn't. I am just guessing myself and don't pretend to be a know it all, but it is just clear to me that there is more that exists than we can even dream about or comprehend with our little human minds.
Btw...J screwed up mom's quote. It is: "The grass is always greener on the other side...but it is only because, my son, you don't allow the sun to shine where it needs to and you neglect to water the space that requires germination."
Her birth name is still chinese, but "Lia" is her adopted American name. Most chinese and Taiwanese immigrants also have 'Americanized' names.
My mother does not know aboutElizabeth's possible impending birth of her grandchild. She does not even know that I reconnected with Liz. She was against my contacting her. While I love my mother dearly (why wouldn't I? I think she is the best mother in the world) and I trust her opinion....still.....something was telling me I needed to contact Liz and I could not defeat it. I am glad I did. She is glad I did...and no matter what the future holds...she nor I have any regrets about the reconciliation. I am only scared and fearful of hurting her...nothing more. Part of me feels guilty about withholding the info from my mother, as we are very close and I share most everything with her. I think for an adult son/mother relationship we are unusually close. ...another part of me feels that unless the pregnancy is taken to fruition...Liz does not miscarry...I feel my mother need not know now. I know she will be most upset with me and I can feel the Chinese proverbs being hurled unto me ad nauseam.
You have not offered your wisdom or words of doom regarding Liz's pregnancy. I will not get upset if you are honest. Share your thoughts with me....do please. What do you think about her being pregnant? I so fear a miscarriage and more punishment for my major and operative role in the abortion heading my way that I see myself avoiding contact with her. It is so hard to be away from her...yet, I am so fearful of bad news. It makes me sad because I know in my heart she wants me with her..but I can't do it. J thinks she will not miscarry and that she will take the pregnancy to delivery. He thinks it was "in the cards all along." I just don't believe that crap. What say you?
That is such a pretty name. Jamie had a girlfriend by the name of Lea Kim, and I love her to death, and I even let her live here for 6 months when she needed a place to stay. I like her best of all his girlfriends so far. Her dad does some kind of high clearance intelligence work for the government, and she is extremely pretty, witty, funny, and intelligent. They remain good friends to this day. I wish they would end up together, but so far it doesn't seem to be in the stars for that to happen. They made a cute couple.
Have you told your mom yet about the baby?
LOL! Lia is my mom.
Oops! I just reread and realize I said I stayed up till 5:3opm this morning. That sure makes a whole lotta sense. NOT! I meant 5:30am. Haha! I didn't see your last post until I just posted my last message. You're a funny bunny! Tony became a wild child for awhile in regards to his past sex life. He met a bisexual girl named Sandra that was into the swingers scene, and he went to some clubs and parties w/ her, and they ended up living together for five years. He was only married for 4 yrs to that Honduran woman that unexpectedly gave him two daughters. Anyway, some of these pictures he sent are from these wild parties! haha My mouth dropped open! haha Tony is not bashful when it comes to sex! That's all I can say .....
Well, that was a cute exchange between you two. LOL Who is Lia? I know about Samhita visiting and staying w/ him in D.C.. What happened there? I would guess she tried to seduce him. Did he give in? If this weekend is too difficult honey, we can wait and plan one that is more convenient. The plan w/ Tony for Easter time is tentative on his health and making sure he has no further doctor appts that would impede his coming, but he is hoping to stay a week. That is the best I can tell you at this time in regards to him. Jameson is never too forthcoming with his plans until the very last second. As he was leaving the house on Friday late afternoon, he told me he would be gone for the entire weekend because he was house and dog sitting for his dad and Diana as they were going up to Denver for a Master Path meeting. They follow some guru around the country all the time and Master Path is some kind of New Age/ Christian thing they believe in. Sooooo, I guess this would have been a better weekend but I still would have felt rushed and unprepared for how I want things to be w/ you, meaning a better cleaned house, clothes shopping which I haven't done in a long time so I can hopefully look pretty and a little bit sexy for you, plus a few other little things I would have in place for your visit. ooooohhh mysterious! haha
Don't sweat it if this next weekend doesn't work. You will still receive a green light with me as long as it doesn't coincide with the same time frame when Tony will be here. When is Ellery planning to see you? I still say she is going to be all over you like flies on fresh shit! She is still delusional thinking that night of, and I quote, "lovemaking" w/ you was destiny created by God and she still thinks the two of you belong together and that she is your destiny! I hope her boyfriend kicks her to the curb for the way she is taking advantage of him and treating him like crap. Of course then she will sit on the pity pot and tell you a sob story so you help her again with your money. I'm sorry honey, but I find her behavior to be pathetic and distasteful the same way Sarah treated her boyfriend and uses him. Okay, I'll shut up now. I'm sorry , but that disgusts me.
It's another freakin' windy day outside. I have so much yard work to do but can't do it with the wind blowing. There are things I can do inside my house so that is the plan today. I was so exhausted that I fell asleep around 8:30pm last night and didn't wake up until 2am. My kids wanted out and my computer was still on so I sat down and stayed on it till 5:30pm this morning, then went back to bed for about another 5 hrs of sleep. Staying up all night talking to Tony has messed up my sleep pattern some, but I'm not complaining. :) He didn't call back last night and that's okay because I was in a deep sleep.
It sounds to me like Jeffery is still very much in love w/ you and I'm glad. I don't think he would ever abandon you no matter what and that is golden.
So if I come out to visit will you show me the nude pictures of Tony with his dick exposed? I'd love to see them. I betcha it is teensy-tiny, unlike my long sausage. LOL!
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I'm leaving early to pick up Dan to see C. I'll see you tonight. I'll send Stu the hit rates in an hour or less.
Dinner?
x
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Yes dinner. I still love you babe.
Jefferson
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April 8, Fri [quote] start end start//cached
Dude,
Will you be around for Dan next weekend? Thinking of taking off out West Fri until Sunday evening. Let me know. Thanks. x, Michael
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What's up, babe? Why are you going out West? Business or pleasure?
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Pleasure. Will you be around? I will ask Charmaine this evening as well...but I'd need to know whether you can be around to fill in for her as I plan to be gone Fri afternoon until late Sunday. Even if she agrees to stay another weekend. I have not made definite plans as of yet...so cannot be sure of exact times. Let me know affirmative or negative please. Soon. Thanks dude. x
------------------------
Negative. This is shit Michael. What the fuck are you doing now? I want some detail before I agree to be your nanny again. You know I am under the gun with work and you need to understand you don't come first for me now. Why are you going out West ? Where out west? It's a fucking big country, babe. West Coast, Western Rockies, Pacific Northwest, Hawaii, West of NY, Westchester? London would be east, unless you take a circuitously long route, so I'll venture that the pleasure trip is not traveling to Ana's pussy. Be specific and offer some chapter and verse to replace your typical nebulous detritus. I want to be patient and I want to help you, so help me out. My goodwill has been spent. You are now borrowing on credit.
Love,
Jefferson
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Okay dude. You sound really pissed off at me. I can fully and properly repay that credit tonight. Usual payment terms? LOL!
I am not spending the weekend with Liz...and I know that is what you are thinking by the Westchester inference. I am not going to do that to her and you fully know why. Additionally, I already informed you that I was not visiting London until after my surgery, if at all. Okay? Lighten up and go to the men's room and relieve yourself or stop acting like a dick. I asked a favor. You can't help me...fine. I am visiting a friend, a woman, who lives in NM. If you prefer, we can talk about it this evening. But if I am going to be subjected to another bitch rant and Nurembergesque line of questioning from you...then fuck it! I'd rather travel and take Dan with me. I know why you are angry and it' s not my freakin' fault. I do not control the airwaves nor the cellular signals. We'll talk later..or call me at work.
Mike
----------------------------
Before I forget I need you to send me the hit rates for the optimizing algorithms. Stu is still looking for replacement strategies for the hit rate and latency. Thank you for compiling that for us babe.
You haven't the faintest idea why I am irritated and frustrated by you. It is not due to the calls. You are in a difficult position with Elizabeth and what you are doing to her would hurt her very much. You have no issues hiding any of your activities from her when she is married and pregnant with your baby! You only clue me in to your whereabouts out of necessity. We will talk about this tonight when my mind is less distracted and my mood has stabilized.
Love,
Jefferson
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Well, I don't believe I am the one who fucked around with another dude behind your back...so stop being a hypocrite. 'kay?
-------------------------
I made a mistake and you know how much I love you. I am not the person who acts on impulse and hides away so I don't have to face my problems and responsibilities. Like Lia said to you the grass is always greener on the other side when you prevent the sun from shining on it and stop watering it. Whatever the fuck she said last time that is what I took away! Can you get the hit rates to me by 4:45 before Stu leaves? Sending it directly to him at FI is the best avenue. Despite my better judgment, I still love you.
Jefferson
----------------------
I'm leaving early to pick up Dan to see C. I'll see yo
Well, yes...my upbringing was quite insulated from violence. I suppose I was very privileged...in retrospect...though I never felt that way at the time. My mother always referred to me as her little prince. She told me I was wonderful and perfect all of the time. LOL! No abuse in my house. LOL! Yes, I , too, respect those like Tony who despite their upbringings and adversities are able to pull themselves from their bootstraps and become responsible citizens and make something of their lives. It was pretty easy for me to succeed with what I was handed. Let's face it. I know this. I remember in grade school (and I always attended exclusive, private schools) a boy punched me hard one time on the shoulder...it hurt! I simply walked away, whimpering, so then he punched me again in the jaw. So I cried loudly. I could not understand why he did this for no good reason. When my dad came home that evening, he asked me why the boy did this. I told him I didn't know but now I don't want to go to school anymore. He told me the boy did this because he could and because I allowed it. He told me to go to school tomorrow, whether or not I wanted to, and punch him back right in the jaw. My mother was aghast. My father was not a violent man. I told my father "no. I'm too scared he'll hit me again." He told me I had to do it or he (my father) would be very ashamed of my display of cowardice as his son. So I told him "okay" through my tears. Never hit the kid...the kid forgot about it.... and I lied and told my father I socked him. I hated lying. HATED it...but having my dad ashamed of me was a worse fate. So that is about as bad as the backyard bullying and gang warfare was for me. LOL!
I am still waiting to hear, definitely, from J. He is somewhat ummm... unsupportive with my taking off for a weekend. More on that later. I talked to Charmaine and she does not feel she can stay the entire weekend w/ Daniel again (overnight) as she took this weekend off to be with him (and as it ended up, we didn't really need her, though her presence always is a welcome relief). She said she can fill in as needed though...so I am partially reliant on J. J has a meeting next saturday with his investor from DC....so is not sure when he will be around...plus he is giving me a hard time. We had a somewhat heated e-mail exchange yesterday. If I were to leave for business...I think he would agree to take care of Daniel and figure it out...but he is well, displeased with me going out to see you when I have a pregnant former gf, him, and "other more urgent responsibilities." Guess it made more sense to stick with this weekend, in retrospect. If I had known your son was away I would have pushed more for this weekend. I'll see what happens when I broach the subject again today.Generally, I can talk J into anything....this time we'll see. Hmmm...maybe I'll forward you the e-mail chain and you can see for yourself. Quite uncharacteristic for him. Well, if it does not work out (though I still have faith...) I cannot and will not blame you this time. That is a promise. This will be my fault. But...I am still optimistic. I didn't want to bring it up again until I had a definitive answer for you. Hmmmm...I need to get there before Tony so Ic an be the one to break your celibacy streak. So, when you see Tony he will be thinking it has been 5 years since you have been laid and you will know that it was only a couple of weekends before that you had awesome intercourse a dozen times in 2.5 days. How you going to explain that one, girl?? I LOVE IT!! Ha ha Tony! I WIN!!!!!
Gotta run...the boys are calling. Later......
How are things shaping up for next weekend? Is Jeffery going to be around to care for Daniel, and are you still coming to see me? When is your lovely visit w/ Ellery?
LOL you're cracking me up! :) Alright, I see the humor and that was all quite funny and has me laughing. On behalf of Tony, I can say he grew up tough, being bullied by a kid that gave him a black eye when he was little, and then his dad blackened his other eye when he didn't fight back. He told me he grew up in The Projects when they were brand new. He said they used to be nice until the Puerto Riccans, Mexicans, and Blacks started moving in and taking over. Then gangs formed and there were turf wars. He joined a white gang called the Raino gang for self protection. He told me he once got stabbed in the shoulder and elbow and needed stitches and he saw some people die. He learned to be a street fighter using anything around him as weapons, so he is certainly no wimp. All of this a far cry from your upbringing. Still, I admire him because he has been a hard worker, went to college, has good ethics and values, was a good provider for his kids working two jobs at one point doing detective work on the side of his regular job with Amtrak. He is sweet as pie and very kind and thoughtful despite his rough upbringing. There are many more admirable qualities I am noticing as well. I have seen his dick! Yes, he has sent me a number of pictures. haha I can say he is definitely long and thick enough to get the job done! haha And more importantly, I know from how he has talked that he knows how to use it! haha I have no doubt that you do too! I may be the luckiest girl in the world very soon! haha
Errrr...."MBI" should be "BMI". Stupid error. But I'll bet my brain muscle is bigger than his too...that makes two muscles which I KNOW are larger than his. Ha ha ha!
I WIN!!!!
Ha ha ha....I think it's funny that you threatened that your "boyfriend" is going to punch me in the face. I am having visions of high school....It's like I made a pass at you at the school picnic and now your jock boyfriend is going to defend your honour (but do it on-line, not IRL).... LOL! Shall I bring my dueling pistol? LOL! Never called you a whore....not literally...don't think you are a whore, ma dear. I was just saying that if you liked being a free 900 number and that was your objective...I won't argue. Only I would never suggest it or never pursue that with a woman as I feel many...most...would be offended. That's all. Is this clear now? If your "athletic-built" short boyfriend comes near me, I'll step on him. Height has it's advantages and at 6'1" I am very lean, but mostly muscles (don't get excited...I have NO rippling muscles like Jeffery) with very minimal body fat...my MBI is as low as they come. Running and keeping fit has many advantages. Besides...since I am Asian...I took martial arts as a kid...so I could always deliver a crescent kick to the cranium. I think I can easily overpower the dude...and I believe my penis is bigger...ha ha ha ha!!!
LOL Okay, .. perhaps I misread you too. This is how I hope we can always resolve any problems that may arise between us. We need to give each other time to explain and to listen carefully. I appreciate the fact you were willing to do something for me to please me even though you find it 'tawdry'. haha It's the thought that counts! :) Have a nice dinner, honey.
I am very sorry. I read you wrong, okay? I do not mistreat nor denigrate women. I have never taken advantage of a woman or forced her to do anything against her will, EVER...okay? Phone sex is not my thing....but if you really wanted it, I would d do it for you. Okay? I thought you were hinting that you wanted me to get all slutty on you.....Sorry. don't hate me :(
Off to dinner with the dudes...bro and J.
I said it to get my point across that he would not appreciate your talking about me that way. I know he wouldn't. He is muscular and athletic, ... he told me he often has to lift tools and apparatus at his job that weighs upwards of 500 pounds. Don't be so sure you can take him. You basically called me a whore! How am I suppose to be okay with that? If you or Tony were strangers and I was acting this way, .. then I would be a whore! I love both of you damn it. I would hope you can see the difference here. Doesn't love injected into a situation change everything? For me, it does. Any act of sex with anyone would look smutty, tawdry, and sleazy if love wasn't involved. Am I not right? He and I didn't start out from the git go doing this, .. our feelings and desires for each other have led to this because we cannot take a hop skip across town and be together to be intimate to express our affections. This is the best we can do for now given our situation. It makes us feel close to each other and plenty of I love yous are exchanged every time along with the love talk to each other. If you want to see this as tawdry then so be it. It doesn't feel that way to him and I and we are the two who should know what it is all about because we are living it. C'mon Michael, please be kind.
Why speak violence? Telling me "Tony would punch you in the face'? I've never hit anyone and have never been hit by a man (other than bro during an autistic rage)...and only slapped by a few women in my entire life. I am a pacifist. Why talk so violently? Why is it okay to get all slutty and porny w/ Tony...and when I mention it I am met with a violent threat? I've never hit anyone in my life and do not appreciate the assumption that this 5 foot 5 inch dude could even punch me and I'd feel it. Hey, I'm skinny but pretty tall and in pretty good shape (low body fat, super high muscle mass) and have a few years' youth on Tony. While I feel I would never hit anyone unless provoked...I think I could probably take the dude in 2 seconds straight. Just sayin'
Darling...I could have easily called you to beat off if that was what I wanted. No? You keep telling me these things about how much you love Tony and the wonderful phone love making you two have. Sitting naked at your desk as he asked you to strip, the roleplaying, etc. I don't get it. Of what are you trying to convince me? You recall these things out of the blue so I assume you are hinting for me to do the same with you...to call you and talk dirty smut, obscene erotica and beat off on the phone. Only I feel it is cheap and tawdry...however, if that is all you want...I am game! I would never suggest it as I feel a lady may (or in your case...may not) be offended...that's all! But..if you WANT it I am 100% game! THAT is all I was saying. Don't be upset with me. I am having a hard time reading you. Okay?
Tony would be punching you in the face right about now! Why are you trying to be cruel and hurtful to me? He is no longer a stranger to me Michael. Guess you missed the parts in my posts where I told you we love each other. That takes what we do out of the realm of sleazy 9oo numbers. This isn't just sex, .. we are expressing our love to each other. We've logged in many hours of talking to each other on the phone and we talk about anything under the sun and we truly 'like' each other and that has lead us to the natural progression of wanting to be lovers so we can express our feelings and affections. Over a thousand miles separate us, so we are making the best of our situation and it brings us closer when we can express intimacy and our desires to make love to each other. Why are you trying to make that seem like smut? If anyone is trying to turn me into a whore, .. then it is you coming for a quick booty call! Perhaps we both need to rethink this decision of your coming to see me .....
LOL! Well, you can be my little whore any time, just like Tony's. If that is what you want. How about I call you later for some free sex talk and audio porn? Had no indication you were that's all you were about, babe...but I'm a dude..so I'm game! Interested? ;)
Au contraire monsieur, ... Tony is in love with me and coming to see me around Easter. Watch and see! I can tell he is sincere. This is love as well as lust flowing between us. AND I LIKE IT! I LIKE IT A LOT! :)
Yes! Exactly! As I said...that is precisely what happens when you call a 900 number just as you described...only Tony gets it for free! Great deal for him ! LOL!
Wow...come to think of it...maybe it wasn't your convenient excuses that turned him off to the visit or your being inhospitable...bet he figured why bother spending the airfare, expenses to come out to see you when he gets it for free via his private lil' ole 900 number! Ahhhhhh....now I get it.....
Guess I'm not that desperate yet, but you never know! LOL!
I am laughing right now because I just read what you wrote, and I just got off the phone from another hour long conversation w/ Tony. And guess what we ended up doing? Yup, we just did it again with each other. haha I am actually sitting in my office naked at the moment because Jamie is gone for the weekend, and Tony ordered me to take off all my clothes and lay on my bed naked and then he told me what he would do to me. It turns me on soooooo baddddd! I love it, and it is like making love to each other because we describe and say what we want to do, and I close my eyes and go into a type of dream state just listening to his voice, and yes, my hand seems to have a habit of touching myself! haha My little friend is not needed when he is talking to me. He is going to call me again later this evening. We seem to be picking up momentum on this little playful and most enjoyable activity. I can't wait till this evening. :)
How does one "make love" over the phone? Do you mean masturbating while youa re conversing by saying arousing and/or nasty things to one another a/k/a phone sex? LOL! Never really had the guts to do that w/someone I cared about...awkward, I suppose. Although once or twice when I was depressed and traveling (maybe in Stockholm??) I masturbated when I as on the phone with J (similar to what you and Tony do...but no role playing fantasies). He was laughing at me but sort of humored me and then he told me I was a "low-life loser". LOL! I think I recall talking to my gf long distance when I was in grad school...she was traveling to the West Coast and we had been apart for around a week or so. I spontaneously started touching myself and stroking myself...I must have begun panting or something because she quipped "What are you doing? Are you beating off?" then she was all offended and hung up. LOL! What a perv I was.
Now, I don't want to hurt your feelings...but I think you are officially Tony's 900 number, like it or not. He is saving loads of money by not being charged by the minute by you!
I'll be back in a bit...bro's caretaker is here to pick him up again for a movie. Later...
Hi M, ... It's a terrible weekend weather wise here. High winds are kicking up outside and there is blowing dirt. People w/ long hair like me abhor this with a passion, .. you can imagine the nightmare when caught out and about if I don't have a hair clip w/ me to stick it all up on top. Tony called me last night at 10:30pm my time and we talked till 4:30am. We made love to each other 3 times! Last record was 2 times in one phone call. We get into a lot of role playing and he is so good at it. It turns me on to no end. haha I've been his nurse, his little French maid w/ my little feather duster, his slave, his goddess, his queen, and a few others I shall not mention here. He asked me if I've met anyone else. I did not mention you and I dare not. I told him that recently a local guy here contacted me on the date site and is offering to meet me for coffee or something such as this to start up a friendship. I told him I haven't answered the guy back and that I am only interested in him. He told me ( acting like my lord and master because I was pretending to be his slave ) " Good, .. otherwise I would have to punish you!" haha Don't worry! He's harmless and told me he would never hurt me. This is just the way we play together. I asked him if he had anyone else he was interested in, and he said, " Nope, .. just you." He told me that he thinks he can finish up doctor appts. and hopes to be here for Easter to see me.
Hope your weekend is going well. Is Jeff going to be around next weekend to take care of Daniel so you can come? When is Ellery planning to be there? What play is she wanting to see? I'm betting she will try one last time to get you to go with her. Be prepared. She is still trying to seduce you, .. I know that for sure, no doubt from what she has recently said.
Michael, .. It is sweet that you worry about what kind of husband or father you would make, but I have no doubt you would be a thoughtful and loving husband and father. Once you look into the face of that little baby, it's all over, .. you will melt and bond instantly with your new son or daughter and everything will fall into place. Your life as you know it will have changed, but that is nothing to dread. It will be something to celebrate. I suppose it is best we don't get too ahead of ourselves though. I will say I am worried too about her making it all the way through this pregnancy. My gut feeling about it feels positive right now. She wants this baby badly and if it survives then you gave her the greatest gift possible. I'm a baby lover in case you can't tell.
I have been reflecting heavily on things I have said to you in the past, .. advice and the such. I know some things I have told you, hurt you bad and I feel deep remorse and sorrow for doing that to you, .. truly I am sorry for that. I know especially what I said in regards to Liz was hurtful, but I said what I did because I felt certain there would be kids involved and I was coming from the place of worry about their world being torn apart. I was deeply relieved to find out that is not much of a concern since they are not her kids, but his. Still, I need to be much more careful what I say because sometimes I just don't realize at the time the impact my words can have on you. I want you to know I will once again try very hard to measure my words carefully. It is good we are about to meet. I think you will find some of your perceptions of me are not what you thought. I am very soft spoken and more passive than I should be at times. I say that because there have been times in my past when I let people take advantage of me, but I am a bit wiser now, .. at least I hope so.
Well, I hope you have an enjoyable evening, and I am most happy we are talking again. I missed you terribly ....
Best not to mention it to Tony then. I am going to feel tremendous guilt though if he is upset w/ you over me....or decides not to keep in touch with you based on me. That would really bother me. Is that a risk? Yes, give me some of your unwanted poundage please! I need it badly! I cannot gain weight...always had a hard time. I lost 8 pounds, gained 2 then lost 2 more...so I am still at my 8 pound deficit. Sexy huh? hope you like boney men, LOL! J does....odd.
Sent an e-mail 3.5 hours ago to J asking him about next weekend. He has not responded and I know he is in the office today. He usually responds to me immediately. He might be assessing whether something is up. Or perhaps I am being a bit paranoid. Maybe I should have stuck w/ this weekend giving him little time to think about it. I do not possess that ability to keep things to myself so if he asks me I will be honest with him.
Let me make this clear...I am not ill and I am not even closes to death..in fact, Tony is the one to be concerned about health-wise, not me. I love milking it for sympathy though. LOL! you were afraid I would die and if you denied me a visit you would feel terrible. LOL! IT WORKED!! Ha ha!! Well...I am stressed about the possible baby arriving and how my life has recently changed. I pretend to Liz that it is fine and I am not concerned or stressed. Otherwise..she will become very sad and overly concerned about me. I shant lie...I love her very much...so much, in fact, that it scares me and I do the opposite of what most people might do...I retreat. I am afraid of hurting her again and I do not want her to make a decision based on passionate impulse that she may regret. We remain separated for a bit to clear our heads. She is giving her marriage the old college try but I see it disintegrating slowly. He has been away in Europe so it gives her time to clear her head.
J is an awesome person. He wants to become Bro's legal guardian. He already spoke to an attorney about it. He assures me no matter what happens to us, he would always care for Daniel if I could not. I trust him. Aside from his semi-looney sister...sadly, other than J's friends (and he has many) bro and I are the only family he has. His family is a bunch of mormon missionary hypocrites. He was unhappy about the pregnancy telling me I was careless and trying to make up for past mistakes by repeating them and giving myself a 2nd chance....I should have thought of her and how something like this would affect her...I am selfish...blah blah...telling me that I knew once I mailed that letter that she would run back to me, but I did it anyway to fulfill my egotistical needs; but he always forgives me. We are no longer the same though...the unspoken change is evident. Oh well. We shall always remain close friends. Not sure what the future holds. I do love him though. He is an awesome friend and I am lucky that he crossed my path in this life. Not sure why he puts up with my crap, LOL...oops...gotta run. Promised bro I would pick him up early to see Charmaine. Late...Later.