I also loved the first paragraph, and thought ooh this is a good one - but then the suspense was killed with description. After the line, "I was going to kill him" - I wanted to know why, what this guy did, who David Roscoe was, what would happen next. Engage our senses, use subtext, keep us intrigued on the edge of our seats. Ok, it's Pittsburgh, give us streets, and all that later. Good start though - keep going!
Deb - 15 years ago
I loved the first paragraph, but from there the action was drowned out by too much detail. Unlike Ray, I loved this line-"His name was David Roscoe. I was going to kill him."
John V - 15 years ago
No turn. Too much description. Pittsburgh and Liberty Avenue are mentioned three times in three paragraphs, and the convergence of the three rivers twice. That's way too much. I know, I live near Pittsburgh.
Dan - 15 years ago
You had me hooked with the first paragraph, but the hook slipped out during the lengthy descriptions of the surroundings. The coup de grace was mentioning a taxi cab driving behind the scene of the action. How does the narrator see this if he's trying to kill somebody?
I also loved the first paragraph, and thought ooh this is a good one - but then the suspense was killed with description. After the line, "I was going to kill him" - I wanted to know why, what this guy did, who David Roscoe was, what would happen next. Engage our senses, use subtext, keep us intrigued on the edge of our seats. Ok, it's Pittsburgh, give us streets, and all that later. Good start though - keep going!
I loved the first paragraph, but from there the action was drowned out by too much detail. Unlike Ray, I loved this line-"His name was David Roscoe. I was going to kill him."
No turn. Too much description. Pittsburgh and Liberty Avenue are mentioned three times in three paragraphs, and the convergence of the three rivers twice. That's way too much. I know, I live near Pittsburgh.
You had me hooked with the first paragraph, but the hook slipped out during the lengthy descriptions of the surroundings. The coup de grace was mentioning a taxi cab driving behind the scene of the action. How does the narrator see this if he's trying to kill somebody?