John V's 1 & 2 comments were good, but I like the third paragragh it drew me into the scene better than it would have without it, and gave you an idea of what a crazy mission this was, and how our assassin felt.
I agree with cutting "Anxious muscles ached in their chests." But I liked the rest of the fourth paragraph.
I would have cut the very first "The" and just started with Five Assasins.
John V - 15 years ago
I just read Ray's commentary and have to disagree with parts. First, not every book needs to be written in close third. Some people also enjoy third omniscient. Second, I liked the paragraph explaining the approach. It tells us that we're dealing with clan rivalries and the word "Birdman" alone put pictures in my head. It's good to give the characters sound reasons for what they're doing as long as it's well-written and interesting, and this paragraph was both.
John V - 15 years ago
I turned the page. Very good job of starting in the action and overall the writing is good. This is one of the more promising pages we've seen. That said, some editing would improve it. 1) "Floated atop floats" - change one of the words. 2) IMO "beasts" doesn't go well with "sharks." Maybe others disagree. Great to have sharks, though. Sharks always raise tension. 3) The first four sentences of the second paragraph need to go. Combine the sentences beginning "High above" and "Akolo" into one paragraph. Well done!
John V's 1 & 2 comments were good, but I like the third paragragh it drew me into the scene better than it would have without it, and gave you an idea of what a crazy mission this was, and how our assassin felt.
I agree with cutting "Anxious muscles ached in their chests." But I liked the rest of the fourth paragraph.
I would have cut the very first "The" and just started with Five Assasins.
I just read Ray's commentary and have to disagree with parts. First, not every book needs to be written in close third. Some people also enjoy third omniscient. Second, I liked the paragraph explaining the approach. It tells us that we're dealing with clan rivalries and the word "Birdman" alone put pictures in my head. It's good to give the characters sound reasons for what they're doing as long as it's well-written and interesting, and this paragraph was both.
I turned the page. Very good job of starting in the action and overall the writing is good. This is one of the more promising pages we've seen. That said, some editing would improve it. 1) "Floated atop floats" - change one of the words. 2) IMO "beasts" doesn't go well with "sharks." Maybe others disagree. Great to have sharks, though. Sharks always raise tension. 3) The first four sentences of the second paragraph need to go. Combine the sentences beginning "High above" and "Akolo" into one paragraph. Well done!