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I'm so happy for you and J! I can even feel the joy you are feeling in your post! You won't believe that, but it's true. I have 171 followers now on my twitter, and some of them are Adam fans, and they often post links to the latest pics and videos of him on his concert tour. I continue to be in awe of his voice and talent. He even came here to The Sunshine Theatre in downtown Albuquerque, but the show was sold out within minutes, and I didn't get to see him. Maybe someday ... Well I know it may be a long time before I get to hear from you again, so I can only say, I'll miss you madly and badly ... all my love, .. Storm
Hey!! J is visiting, arrived today--- and he has a proxy connection so I am using it to search the web. I liked reading your message here....it is good that you are reaching out even if internet dating feels a bit uncomfortable right now. Was curious if you thought Adam Lambert was gay back in the day? 'Is Adam Lambert gay'? was a query often posed. Do you realize that some folks still think he is straight. LOL! I watched a youtube on J's computer this evening of his concert in NZ...very cool. Dude's so gay... Late here. Bed soon...perhaps...!!!!!!
Hi Lover Boy, ... Damn I miss you. It feels so empty and strange to come on here and not have any news from you. So know that you are greatly missed, okay?! It is nearly 4 am here and I have insomnia bad, but I think by the time I am done with this, I should be able to sleep. I sure hope you are well and doing okay, and I know you get to see J this weekend, so I bet you are thrilled and can't wait. I miss having you to talk to so much that I found a local singles internet dating site that I left my profile on, and I have already had several men responding, and this is all feeling very strange and out of character for me. The site is secure and they won't know who I am unless I give them my private info, which I won't. I am already having regrets and am scared as I know predators and con-men hang at these sites, and I am already feeling like a piece of meat even though I made no mention about sex. It already feels like I did when I went to bars in my young days, with men coming at me and knowing what they really want. I don't trust them and I don't trust myself to make the right choices, because looks and actions can be such a put-on and fake and then Mr Hyde comes out when they have a foothold on you. I have made some terrible choices in my past. You are the only guy that I know that is real and that I can trust. I know you are who you say you are and I feel completely comfortable with you. I chose several guys that seem to have similar interests as I do, and dropped them a line, and they are responding back. What the hell am I doing? I don't feel the hots for any of these guys and many of them look so old to me. Yuk! I don't want to meet any of them, but it would be nice to just talk on line. They're already eager to meet me, but I told them I once got stalked, so I'm taking it slow, verrrry slow! The way I feel right now, I may not respond back to any of them. One of them did have a really cute joke I've got to tell you. LOL .... This guy walks into a bank to rob it, and his mask falls down. He looks at a guy and asks him, " Did you see my face?" The guy says, "Yes" , so he shoots him dead. Then he looks at a woman and asks her, "Did you see my face?" She looks at her husband and tells the robber, " No, but he did!" hahahahaha I thought that was hilarious! That same guy said in his profile, " I am not perfect, .. I am a man!" LOL I laughed hard on that one too. I think he is a teacher or professor. I really do feel quite strange and never thought I would ever try a dating site but my friends kept urging me to try it. I don't know about this as it just doesn't feel right, and if they keep insisting on meeting me, I can drop them and block them, so I guess I'm not in any danger. I just did this today, so I guess I can try it for a couple of days and if I don't like it, I can delete myself and just disappear, and right now I think that might happen. I really think I may just be too much of a loner, and will admit that I am afraid of letting another man into my life for fear of what he might do to me. Before I forget,..I came across a couple of posts that your good buddy Sarah left for Frank, and I think you should be aware that she called J, " your little whore", and she said it's too bad you don't have better morals than to make him your boy toy, servant, and maid! She is getting engaged, but doesn't plan to marry for one year, so she is telling Ellery that the two of them need to go see you so she can see you naked ( and you know what that implies) before she gets married! I can drag those posts over here if you want. She is desperate to find out when you will be back, and she bet Frank she can entice you with what sits between her legs! She told Ellery and Frank she only has one more year to have fun! Mind you, she is getting engaged immediately, but thinks she can fool around up to the wedding day! I will make no personal comment, as I think this all speaks for itself. Love you, babe
PPS, ... I am guessing much torque is involved, .. am I right? LOL hahaha
PS ... Would I need to be extremely flexible and bendy for these things of which you speak? hahahahaha
You're so funny, .. if you could only see the vision in my mind of you trying to lift him! hahahahaha You're so damn cute! I love it! Well, you don't sound at all boring to me, and I am most curious about these unique and interesting positions you do. Dare I ask you to describe them? :)
Those nice gestures (like letting Smelly stay this weekend...) come with some pretty awesome side benefits ..if you know what I mean :). I feel very boring as I don't think I have done it in very many wild and exotic places (other than exotic locales) ....or out in the open where we could be viewed. I have some very unique and interesting positions and things that I can do...but as far as where is the wildest place..? I'd have to say outside several times....but not where I could easily get caught. On a balcony with J a few times (that was pretty cool)--too high up for anyone to see. I've done it outside other places as well. I've done it inside (not on top) of a car several times. Sorry I cannot provide you with more interesting and stimulating experiences. It is much easier to do it in tight, secluded or unique places with a woman..who is generally smaller, weighs less...you can lift her on top of things, etc. I couldn't lift J if my life depended upon it (and I do not think he would want me to!)! He weighs a good 25-30 pounds more than moi!
I have to smile as I just remembered that I once told you that I am highly attracted to good looking Asian men because their look is so "exotic", same as J mentioned to you. His taste and mine are definitely similar in that category. I bet I would have been highly attracted to his fiance as well. I find that amusing ... :)
Hi Babe, ... You never have to apologize to me if you misspell, as I know it is not because you don't know how to spell the words and I can always figure out what you were trying to say. Never a big deal. Two more things J and I share in common are his love of dogs and animals, and we are both very attracted to Asian looking people. I am still convinced he is the male form of me. I also like to snuggle under my lover's arm with my head resting on the chest so I can hear the heart beating and feel close to that person. Falling asleep that way is optional I guess. My deceased bf Kevin would often collapse on top of me and fall asleep that way after we made love. He was 5'10" tall and weighed 165 lbs. Normally I can't stand the full weight of a guy laying on me for very long at all as it crushes me and makes it hard to breathe, but for some reason he didn't crush me and I loved falling asleep with him covering me like that, and I would sleep with my arms around him. When I stayed over at his house, he would turn his heat completely off at night in the winter time, so snuggling to stay warm with body heat was a must to survive the night and it was heavenly delightful, plus he was extremely vigorous and passionate with his lovemaking so we would be dripping with sweat no matter how cold the room was by the time it was over. He was the best lover I have ever had, and I miss him terribly. Where is the strangest place where you ever made love? For me, I can think of a number of places. One of those being against the inside of his front door as he lifted me up and I wrapped my legs around his waist and he banged me hard right against the door, and one time he carried me and sat me on the top back of his couch and as we made love there, I thought I was going to crash through his living room window which was directly in back of his couch. The guy banged hard, .. and I liked it! :) Now that I am thinking back, there have been a number of times I was made love to out in the open, like one time in an open mountain meadow, Kevin and I did it two times during a thunderstorm in the parking lot of a Mexican restaurant in the front seat of his car during the time the restaurant was open and there were people around but we were parked at the very end and away from most cars. Jamie's dad and I made love on the hood of our car in the wee hours of the night ( 3 am ? ) right in front of our house in one of the ritziest neighborhoods that is located at the foot of Sandia mountain. If any of our neighbors happened to be up at that time, they would have gotten an eyeful ! LOL Needless to say, I love spontaneity, and where there is a need and a will, there is a way! Jeffery is changing you for the better, and you should give him a great big hug and kiss for me for doing that to you, okay? I'm sure you won't mind doing that. :) I want you happy, honey, and if he is giving that to you, then he's alright with me. I'm glad you got to come home. My secret garden awaits you some day ... and while I'm at it, little miss kitty is wanting me to let 'willy' know that she is looking forward to the day they can meet each other. :)
Just so you know...J is not necessarily coming to London these weekends in an all-out effort to curb my potential activity with others. I told him that I thought I would be craving intimacy and physical activity while we were separated. He offered to come out to satisfy me when I was not able to come to NY. I think he'd rather it be him than someone else, for sure...but it was mostly my suggestion. Once you get it for a sustained period of time...it is hard to go long w/ out it. It is hard and very lonely being alone when you know the next visit back home is weeks away. Having him come out to visit me is helping my cope with the isolation. He is really doing me the favor.
The 'Harold and Kumar' movies are stupid and I will not watch them. I don't even agree that I look THAT much like him, to be honest. But since so may people have been commenting, over the years that I do resemble his likeness....then I must! He is Korean and looks a bit more Asian than I....I am only 1/2 Taiwanese--but appear to be more than 1/2, facially. J says I look like John Cho too (did I ever tell you that J has always been into Asians? his last bf was Filipino and before that, he dated an awesomely handsome 1/2 Japanese dude). He tells me he is into "exotic", LOL.... whatever that means. His former fiance was part Benagali (And breathtakingly beautiful). They still remain friends despite the fact that she is married now. Do not think for a minute that I am upset or critical of you for not seeing me given the limitations and parameters I set forth? I am not. Yes, at the time I was hoping you would come out for some pleasure and whatever that implies....but I would never try to manipulate you into saying "yes" if you do not feel comfortable. Not my style. I don't know how long I will last with J...but I can't let him go now. It is good and soothing for me to have him. The hurt that I would cause him by being with another is not something I would like to fathom right now. He tells me he would understand...and I know he would, but I also know he would be very hurt . He does this thing now which I found exceedingly annoying originally....he falls asleep on my chest (I imagine it cannot be comfortable). I told him to stop doing that...but he always ends up on my chest sleeping....I am beginning to not mind it so much. I think when your respect someone and trust them...they grow on you and force you to do things that normally you would not imagine doing...for them. Little things, like this. It makes me feel good to make someone else happy...and it is not even that difficult for me. Does this make sense? When I came home on Friday...Smelly was at the apartment still (I had agreed to let Smelly live with J and bro while I was away provided she was not here when I come home). Apparently, J's sister told him last minute that she could not take her for the long weekend as she decided was going away--and he frantically called all of the pet sitters and doggie over-night places and they were all booked. J looked at me with this nervous, very ominous look and said "I am sorry Michael, I just don't know what to do..." I responded "that's okay, she'll just stay with us this weekend." And then I proceeded to kiss J on the forehead and pat Smelly on her head (of course she licked me hand...ugh!). I left the room and heard j yell from the living room..."I love you, you know." I am only telling you this just to illustrate that I think J has a very positive effect on me--he has taught me that doing things for others brings the best joy.It makes me not want to cause him pain. SO you may say it is love...if love is a process, perhaps. I really do not know and don't have to figure it all out right now.All I want to do is make the dude happy. J is planning to come and visit the weekend after next. It is lonely in London...but I am fine being alone for long periods...you get used to it. Besides, I am very busy. Am in a hurry so no spell check. Sorry :)
...........But there's a secret garden she hides.
Hi Handsome, ... But I do want to meet you some day, and very badly too. The hesitation is about the circumstances that surround you, more so now than ever. I am wishing ever so much now that I would have met you with the first invitation when you lived alone. Had I known what the future held for you with Daniel having to move in with you and Jeffery coming along, .. I have very big regrets I didn't meet with you then when you extended that invitation. I have never done anything like this before and you are the only guy I have ever met on the internet. I actually did agree to meet with you then, but I didn't respond I don't believe till a few hours after you offered, and you took that expanse of time as a 'no' when that wasn't the case at all, and then I believe you didn't come back to read my response till weeks later, when I informed you the next time we talked that I did not turn you down and that I accepted your invitation to come see you. I can't quite remember what happened after that, but it seems like your life started changing rapidly with the news you would have to take care of Daniel and that might have been around the time your privacy was attacked by that culprit. Do you happen to remember why we never brought it up again till later? I must be having a senior moment! LOL This second time around, .. I could not get the vision out of my mind of Jeffery staring at us as you lead me to your bedroom, and knowing he was already so in love with you that it would hurt him. I really am a very thoughtful and considerate person to other people's feelings and I really do wish to hurt no one, .. especially you and him. It just didn't feel like the timing is right, and if I leave you feeling any stronger for you than I already do, then it may be quite painful for me as I leave on that plane to come home. I would not be able to hold back my emotions and feelings for you if we were making love, .. if the chemistry is there as I have a feeling it is, then I am going to be hearing that Ronstadt song and also that Bonnie Raitt song ' I Can't Make You Love Me ' playing in my head. Earlier on, I mentioned to you that I want to be there for you when you have no one else. That is when the time would be right and I will not hesitate. I think it is very right for you to fully commit to Jeffery and not take on other lovers right now as you are very right that it would hurt him. You are in a relationship and that is how I have perceived you and him pretty much from the beginning and as Bea said, " You are not as free as you say you are." She was right. I see you growing ever closer to him now, and I am very happy and glad he is there for you, and he is changing you whether you can see that or not. I can see and feel the changes in you per se, and he is blowing holes in your belief that you don't want the headache of a relationship and the work that a relationship entails. LOL You are in the heart of one and it sneaked up on you and bit you in the ass! hahahahaha It couldn't have happened with a better guy than him, and it makes me happy that he is genuine and sincere in his love for you and for Daniel. I love those lines you left me from Secret Garden, however I don't intend to stay a 'million miles away' from you. I'm as close as you want me to be. As close as here or a phone call on a lonely evening. I still long to hear your voice and your laughter, and maybe some day I will see your smile and the look in your eyes. For now, I have Harold and Kumar! LOL hahahaha I actually went out and bought both of their movies so I could watch and observe John Cho and try to envision you. The movies are very silly but quite cute and funny. They had me laughing hard. I hear they will be coming out with a third movie soon. So my love, is J flying out to see you week after next, or will you be home again then? Are you doing okay when you are alone over there, .. do you feel lonely?
"She'll lead you down a path/They'll be tenderness in the air/ She'll let you come just far enough/ So you know she's really there/ She'll look at you and smile/And her eyes will say/She's got a Secret Garden/Where everything you want/ Where everything you need/ Will always stay/ A million miles away........................................"
Flew in Friday and am leaving to go back to London tomorrow :( It's been great to be home with bro and J and I am not looking forward to leaving. Such is life.............Bro, J and I are going out to dinner shortly and then J has a work function to attend...so bro and I will be hanging out for the evening.....relaxing, watching movies. Should be cool. Okay, must respond to "Madam's' comments. Where to begin........Okay, When you write " You and I have the internet and nothing else , by your choice." Ummm...don't think so. It is by YOUR choice, ma dear. If your remember, twice I offered to come and see you and to fly you out to see me. Both times you had a reason not to accept..which is fine. I really do understand. But I was most ardently serious with my offer. I was even looking into whether Virgin Atlantic flew out of your area to here. So you can continue to say that internet correspondence is MY choice, but is that really accurate? I say not.I think your preference is to expand on our relationship with MORE internet correspondence by exchanging e-mail (internet communication) and by exchanging cell numbers (telecommunication)....but not meeting in 3-D. I guess I was of the ilk that I'd like to cut to the chase and meet or not. I am not interested in giving out my internet information, photos, e-mail to someone who is not interested in even meeting me personally. Why bother having to answer e-mail all the time from someone whose comfort level lies only behind the screen wall? I cannot really blame you for not wanting to come to NY or to have me fly out since I was most honest about what I could offer you, and yes, many-a-woman would have given me the same response given those realities......but only please, do NOT say it was my "choice". I offered to have you come out on 2 occasions. Why you resist, I suppose I understand. I feel it is either 1. You don't want to accept only what I can offer you right now (understandable) 2. You are afraid; and for a myriad of possible reasons...you think I might be disappointed when I see you, perhaps? Or that you might meet me in fall in love and I made it clear that I can not offer 'true love' right now....etc. So, please do not say this is my choice! Your exciuses are flimsy to say the least...let's see.....you need to find someone to watch the dogs (okay...I guess I understand that , perhaps, maybe only the SWAT team canine unit may be able to fulfill such a task, LOl!)...or your son (who is in his mid-twenties) may be home. For Christ sakes! He can't know that his mother is having sex or having a male guest overnight??? Seriously? He is not 12...he is a full-grown adult male who imrpegnated another woman! ! Anyway...all I am saying is please do not blame me that you have no more from me than this. It is your own doing, darling. This discussion may be but all for naught as I have decided that I cannot hurt J by having relations with another. I just decided this in London and have not told him....but if ever I did have sex with someone else, I would not hide it from him...I would tell him, but I decided that this is not something I want to do to him. I do not want to hurt him. I hope you understand. Perhaps if we did meet a few weeks or months ago as I suggested, things would be different, but we did not. "It is what it is", as the saying goes! AND You let me in...but only so far. Yes?
Okay master. You have given me much to ponder. :) Please understand that when I said you are self absorbed, that wasn't a criticism. I realize it may seem so, but it wasn't. You are in a situation where you must focus on your life and your responsibilities and everything that is going on around you because it is obvious to me and others I'm sure, that you are dealing with much more than the average man. I LOVE it when you talk about yourself, as again, I find you interesting and fascinating. There is no problem whatsoever that our conversations are centered around you, .. I LIKE THAT! Okay? :) When you and I get in a heated discussion, I think there are things that get said, that are regrettable or not said well, and most certainly get taken the wrong way. I know you have some very wrong misperceptions of who I am, and I imagine I have some of you as well. That is the casualty of only having communication with each other over the internet. I have no doubt J knows and understands you better than I do. He has all the other advantages with you that I do not. He gets to be with you, make love with you, see the smiles and expressions on your face, and have talks with you in person where there is much less chance of misunderstandings, and if there are any, they can be quickly discussed and cleared up. You and I have the internet and nothing else, by your choice, .. and I understand why that is. I won't complain about that, but please leave a little room in your thoughts that until you meet me, .. you may not know me or be perceiving me in the right light, okay? Don't hold onto those words that I used to describe you, babe. They were said to describe how I thought you were behaving only at that moment, just like you said I was acting childish! LOL They don't necessarily fit who you are most of the time. When I think about you, I am thinking about how intelligent, sensitive, humorous, brilliant, caring, and a whole bunch of other positive things that you are, and also how much I enjoy you. Not those adjectives I used to describe you when we were not seeing eye to eye. I hope that will help clear things up between us, okay? Cute story about that 4th grade incident where you asked the girl to do sex with you! LOL She must not have mentioned that to her parents, or I would have expected a meeting of parents in the principals office to have taken place. hahahaha I take it the kiss offer instead, went over like a lead balloon! hahahaha You're so cute! " Hyper key-stroker" , .. I like that one too. LOL Do you fly out this evening or tomorrow? I hope all is going well for you ... ~~~
Yes, I do (as evidenced above) talk about myself and my life 90% of the time. And I understand that some people, like you, may find that an issue. I agree. So please just stop asking me questions because another of my many character flaws is that I am hyper-verbal...which carries over to being a hyper 'key-stroker' as well. I go on and on with a running commentary, and am rarely, if ever, at a loss for words. It is best to just not post stuff for me to read. Really, that would be very helpful. Actually, J loves this...others probably hate it as it can be perceived as self-absorbed (ahem!) and I get that. Regarding flirting....I think you wrote that maybe I will now feel less of a need to flirt. I think being a flirt is my personality as my mother tells stories of how I was very much like this as a child. And I remember asking a girl in 4th grade if she wanted to "do sex with me". LOL! I was only 10 so didn't even know what it meant. But I knew it made me feel good to say it. Then I asked her if she just wanted to kiss then. Didn't go over big. So,this is part of my nature and I think it is harmless so unless someone takes it too seriously, I doubt I'll stop :) J loves it if we are in s restaurant and I innocently flirt with the waitress or waiter....he finds it cute. But it is not as if I plan to flirt or have some objective... goal... it really is just part of who I am. Some women I have been with tend to dislike it. I'll admit that.
Honestly? I am coming from the same "place" as before...no difference in my 'psyche' from a few days ago. There was nothing "feeding my head" then nor now. Re: Bea, you misunderstand...I have no guilt over Bea and I do not have misgivings about not pursuing a relationship again with her, nor do I think I did anything wrong, you see. I simply do not like causing people pain or even minimal grief. And if I can prevent it while still not being self-defeating, I will try. I know she will be okay. I also know that the right thing to do would have been to tell her when she came out for my(our) birthday(s) that it would be better not to have sex as it will not lead anywhere. I cannot say I feel guilt as I would probably do the same thing again....I can only modify my behavior and my nature so much. While I did not dissuade her from falling for me again...perhaps I was too affectionate during our lovemaking...sort of picking up where we left off in that department....and only because it felt so good. Clearly she was given the wrong impression or she misinterpreted. And while I did nothing wrong, per se, and I simply do not like being the object or reason for someone's sadness. Hmmmmm.....not sure I really agree about 'living in the moment'. If we do not plan for the future we have no moments left in the bank...we cannot always do what is right for this day without looking ahead and planning to a degree...right? Balance and sensibility. Being true to one's self does not always align with making us truly happy. For example, someone may interpret being true to one's self as doing what is right and best for his/herself....and that could be at he expense of other important things in your life. I think responsibility, at the expense of, perhaps some of your own personal happiness, can lead to greater fulfillment and make us stronger and actually HAPPIER in the long run; and teach us to endure. So while I am not arguing with your life doctrine of 'living in the moment and being true to one's self and finding our true path, etc.....' I also do not completely agree with this generality, 'specifically speaking', of course ;) How is that for being concrete? So,to illustrate an example, I think of J in this vein....all of those character traits things that you attribute to me (frankly, I disagree with many and most but will not debate this with you)---self-absorbed, stubborn, bull-headed, controlling, manipulating, bully with issues who tried to demean others to make himself feel better about himself"... did I miss anything?...actually I did miss a few..but anyway, J sees me completely differently and I feel that he has no personal 'issues' to cloud his judgment and is able to see me in the unfiltered and true light. Actually..in a small way, you may have brought me closer to him...while not intentionally. I can be stubborn at times (not consistently) and I suppose some people may consider me self-absorbed, yes....though it depends on how well they know me and how perceptive they are. I'll fully accept both of those character flaws. But, controlling, manipulating, a bully who demeans others to catapult himself is simply not me...these are all marks of an insecure person with no self-esteem. Ha ha--I have too much self-esteem and am far from insecure, even bordering on arrogant to be quite honest! And I have been called arrogant..which I accept! Anyway....J know my true faults (and there are many--I have no shortage!)--though different than how you have depicted me; and and rolls them all into one package. Sort of like a diamond with an inclusion. I think we are both self-actualized and confident with good strong self-esteem and that makes it work. He understands my impulsivity, hyper-verbal nature, sometimes irateness and moodiness, etc. etc. and while he does not systematically accept these things...he goes beyond. So, I guess the long and the short of it is that I agree with you in that I also don't throw good people away!
You are coming from a very good place right now. If possible, .. let go of your guilt over Bea, because you did the only thing you could and should have done. You were honest with her. What else could you have done? Nothing. You have to realize you did her the biggest favor possible, and she will be okay. The closure, though painful, will give her the chance now to close the door on the past which wasn't meant to be for her future, .. and focus instead on the future with Karl, if that is indeed where she wants to be. If it isn't, then she will find her way to someone else to fulfill her, and I know you would want that for her. She will be okay. She is a strong woman. We all need to live in the moment, since tomorrow is promised to no one, and we all need to be first and foremost true to our own self for that is where our true path and journey begins. That is our compass. Yes? You cannot argue with me on that one! :)
I admire and appreciate J. I find him to poses qualities that I myself hold in high esteem: loyalty, honesty, compassion, generosity of spirit. I realize that hurting him, even unintentionally, will hurt me as well. I want the dude to be happy. I want him to feel the way he makes me feel...content. He deserves that. He came along and saved me from some overwhelming stress and I cannot begin to repay him for what he has done for us. But, he looks for nothing, never pats himself on the back or looks for recognition for his deeds...he only wants my love. He gives me very good love, oh yes, that is true and he satisfies my physical desires nearly completely....and then some, LOL. I respect him more than anyone else I have ever known....except for my mother. Is this love? Matters not. I just know that I cannot handle hurting him if I can prevent it. The pain that I could cause him would hurt me more. I am still not over the recent pain that I caused Bea. I saw it in her eyes and then heard it in her voice....yes, it haunts me. Will J and I end up together forever? No. That will not happen...but I am never looking for 'forever'. I never have.
I am smiling right now at all the changes in you! YOU, ... who said you will never be in another intimate, close and loving long term relationship! LOL And all for the better I might add, as you are morphing into a happier and a more rounded and fulfilled human being it would seem, and I would say Jeffery has worked a complete miracle on you from where you were when he re-entered your world. You are falling in love with him aren't you?! :) That's good, .. you don't need to deny it anymore, .. let it envelop you, and feel its glory. You have what so many people are looking for, so cherish it and nourish it. He is a very rare and special human being to be willing to love and care for Daniel the same way you do. I think it is good and the right thing to do to commit and be loyal to him as he is to you. It would hurt him for you to have even the most calloused, casual tryst with anyone. I knew this when you wanted me to fly out to be with you and that really was why I hesitated. That, and I wondered if I would be flying home with a broken heart because I feared I would just fall deeper in love with you than I already am, and yet you might not feel anything for me. Not the outcome I would be hoping for. And why would you even need that when he gives you such good lovin' ? Maybe you won't feel the need to be such a big flirt now as well, and that would also be good as I think you leave a trail of broken hearts when you behave in that fashion. I know that is not your intent, but that can be the end result, especially for women, I would imagine. I hold very deep affection for you, Michael, and I always will. I hold no illusion that we will end up together, but I do hold onto the hope we will always be friends and that someday we can meet each other in the flesh. My door will always be open to you. Your positive traits and your character far outweigh your, shall we say, your 'quirks'! LOL It is my hope that you will be able to say the same with me. I know I am far from perfect, but my intentions come from a good and loving heart. That was instilled in me, and that is the core of me that I center my being around. Are you able now to see you and J lasting for the rest of your life? I would like to know how you feel about that possibility now. Just curious. I feel complete in myself and don't feel the need to find my other half. Not sure that really exists, but will admit it would be nice to find a person to share life's trials and joys with. It's not hard to find someone to walk down the road of life with for a little while, but it seems to never be able to go the distance. That's okay, as I learn something from every lover/boyfriend that enters my life. Sometimes painful, but never without some joy and some big revelation revealing itself. We are after all, always evolving and always learning. I have learned much from you, ... master! You are golden to me. I hope you will still desire to converse with me whenever you can, as I would very much miss that. I'm here for you whenever you feel like talking, okay my precious one? :) All my love forever and a day, ... Barbara
See...more queries. You cannot ask all of these questions of me....engage me in conversation.... and then accuse me of talking about myself "90% of the time", LOL! Fine then.....checking out of the hotel soon. Bro and J gone. Will be back in NY in a couple of days to see them this long weekend. Wish I could be more self-absorbed, but my life revolves around bro know.Forever. I don't give details about all of his struggles, which are now my struggles as well... lest I come across as complaining about him, about my situation. He adjusted just fine, not perfect...but as best as can be expected. I think he enjoyed himself. Anything to do with 'site-seeing' was conducted by J while I worked. Understand that some things are not as simple as what you proposed: "Should I ever say something you don't like or with which I don't agree;, then by all means discard my though and throw it in the trash." It is not that I cannot ignore you--I can. I am masterful at ignoring people who irk me, especially women. I have ignored things that you have written. I don't respond to everything you 'say' or I'd never get anything else done during my day. But my point was....I am confused why you would 'say' you want to continue a correspondence/friendship/ANYTHING with someone who you describe as outlined above in my prior message. Makes no sense. I am trying to enlighten you. Anyway...I won''t be on line again for a long time and only wanted to respond to your last message. Yes, J and I had "alone time". Do you really want to hear this? Here we go again.... Okay, ..It wasn't easy with bro lurking about in small quarters, but we managed to be alone at night. Regarding the phrase "alone time"...are you specifically asking if we went out for a quiet dinner or if we made love? Of course we made love...thought that was a given. This is 'me' we are talking about, after all! In a similar vein, I no longer feel it's okay for me to be unfaithful to J. While 'unfaithful' may not be an apt adjective...you get what I am 'saying'. He understands who I am and accepts what may, and at some point probably will, happen....but I know being with someone else will hurt him and I cannot do that to him. I won't. I've come to realize this. I don't want him out of my life (not that I imagine he would leave me if I were to have a dalliance with another), but I want to be with him right now and cannot fathom causing him any pain for my own selfish pleasures. This is where I am. Best to you.
The one thing you definitely aren't. ... is boring! LOL Never, have I ever found you to be that. Ever!! You are fascinating to me, ... all sides of you, and there definitely are different moods and sides to you. Some I like more than others, such as your sweet happy side. Never the less, I love and accept all of you. You have a right to be self absorbed with everything you have going on. If you weren't, I think bad things would happen and things would start coming unglued with your job, with your bro, even with Jeffery. It is justified and I don't fault you at all for that as I totally understand that you need to be that way to hold everything together in your life. Okay? I am not trying to find fault with that at all. What I wish you would know about me above all, .. is that any comments I've made about other people were meant only as food for thought to help you out, .. to show you what I was seeing. I do intend to drop those habits I was developing that irritate you, and I'm very sorry I got petty at times. I'm going to be a much kinder and more thoughtful person. Should I ever say something you don't like or agree with, then by all means discard my thought and throw it in the trash, okay? I won't be offended. Again, my opinions or thoughts are put forth to hopefully help and serve you, .. that is always my goal. So did Daniel enjoy this trip? When you mentioned once before that he doesn't do well in new places, .. I was worried how he would do and if it would stress you out worse. Did you and J ever get alone time? :)
LOL! why on God's Earth would one ever care to be friends with a person whose conversations are about only himself and his own activities 90% of the time? And you are right! It is true! I realize that now and thanks for making that clear. Basically, I am only answering your many questions and queries without asking any of my own....and perhaps elaborating when unnecessary. I sometimes don't even fully answer, or answer all questions broached to me as I run out of characters or become exhausted. But, still...yes, I admit that our conversations are 90% of me reporting on my life. How boring for the reader. So then, this being the history, why would you want to be remain friends w/someone like this and maintain this type of relationship? You obviously brought this up because you thought me self-absorbed...and I will not dispute that based on our conversational inbalance as was stated...that is likely the impression I have made. So, understand my confusion. I really don't wish to hurt you or make you unhappy. You really confuse me with your contradictory statements..... But I am thoroughly perplexed as to why you would want to maintain contact with a "self-absorbed, stubborn, bull-headed, controlling, manipulating bully with issues." Not to mention someone who "plays psychological games to demean you and make myself feel superior".LOL--forgot the other descriptors, but I think you get the gist. I can only surmise that you must, in your mind, really think these things. LOL. Well, that's okay as I cannot control your impression of me.
I have internet until morning (which, technically, it is ....) as we stayed at a hotel last night closer to the airport for bro. I got up very (insanely) early so am plugging away on the computer. I expect to be exhausted tomorrow for work. Bro is fine. I'll miss both of them.
What does all that have to do with just being friends and talking to each other on the internet like we've been doing? No two friends are going to agree on everything and be 100% alike, and I say thank God to that! How would you learn and grow and even enjoy each other if two people were so much alike? Boring!! I'm not saving myself for you, if that is what you're thinking. I also don't hang out in bars, and I hate those places. I am highly selective and I'm not out looking for anybody. If it's meant for me to be with someone, it will happen, I don't dwell on that thought. I live my life day to day and I like my little world. I'm happy. I enjoy talking to you. That is where I am coming from. Yes, we have different backgrounds and beliefs, but I bet many of your friends do as well. Like I've said before, I don't throw good people away. I think that's foolish. It's up to you,babe. I'll be here if you ever want to talk again. And I really would like to know if Daniel is doing okay over there with you. I hope he is.
Ma dear, you can not 'unring' a bell. Damage is done, words were belied. Time to move on. Yes? Logical assumption would dictate that I am here in Europe with a lover who has traveled with me. You are many hours and many miles away. We are different ...we disagree...we are a decade or two apart in age...we have different backgrounds and beliefs and values....Life is short--why waste time? you claim to be a reasonable person, right? Then be reasonable and realistic.
---My best t you
To clarify, .. I don't want to argue with you anymore. I want to get along with you and get back to the enjoyable conversations we have. I want to know how you are doing, and how Daniel is doing. I would ask about Jeffery too, but I'm guessing he is good and okay.
I'm willing to let all this go now. Are you? If you're not, ... then you're the bonehead. *-*
Okay. Not sure I meet the definition, but I think you may.
Okay. Not sure I meet the definition, but I think you may.
You're being a bonehead. :/
What prompted this was my following statement re: Tara.."I know you don't trust her as you have a blatant mistrust of women and their motives" SORRY! It is true. You have proven this over and over...only an idiot could be convinced otherwise. Then you made the ill-thought incomprehensible rebuttal " I love and trust women, otherwise I would not be attracted to them and have women friends". Ummmm...makes no sense. So, I responded in an effort to offer you anther perspective and said that even many misogynists and batterers (a category of people who one would assume, by definition, hate women) can and are attracted to women". I did not say or infer AT THAT TIME that you were a misogynist or batterer. Then you go off again because you claim I called you a misogynist. I found that to be simple and foolish. You are more emotional than rational. You don't get me...that's okay because not many people do. Here is some advice: any time you define someone as "condescending, manipulating, controlling,a bully with issues, self-absorbed, stubborn and bullheaded...blah blah" ---RUN!!! IF you were to write a college essay and the question was What words do you use to describe yourself? And you wrote ..."gracious"...you would definitely NOT be accepted tot hat University. "Gracious" is not a word one attributes to one's self. While I do not want to further incite you, you think you are a whole lot smarter than you are. I do not think you are stupid or unintelligent...and I do not expect everyone to be as academic and intelligent as me...but I think you have to realize that you are not...so stop telling me that how intelligent you are and trying to infer you are as smart as me.I don't feel being smarter makes me a better person, but your insistence that you are at the same level as me intellectually makes me not take you very seriously. J has a BA as well as an MBA from Harvard, speaks 4 languages fluently.... and even he doesn't try to compete with me intellectually for Christ sakes. Inferring that you are as smart as I am or that I condescend to you intellectually is not worth an argument. Trust me. I am stopping now because I feel this is a futile effort....,.."East is east, and west is west and never the twain shall meet".
Now what? What did I say to piss you off this time? Why are you being so damn sensitive? I'm trying to meet you half way here, and I'm listening. So now what has your goat?
Here we go again..........
I made mention to you that you made some valid points and I intend to make some changes in myself and my behavior, and I'll drop doing those things that irritate you. I would appreciate it if you wouldn't talk to me in such a condescending way. I love psychology and sociology and I know a thing or two about manipulation and control, and the games people play. I treat you with respect and I expect the same in return. Do not condescend me! I am not stupid and it only makes you look like a bully with issues! You say I make everything about me. Are you aware you do the same thing? Think about it! I happen to like hearing you talk about yourself so it isn't a problem to me, but you are very self absorbed, and knowing all the things you have going on in your life, I can even understand why and I don't blame you. I understand and I care deeply about you. Look back on our past conversations and you will see 90% of our conversations are about what is going on with you. I'm not complaining, I enjoy that. I enjoy you, when you aren't being so stubborn and bullheaded like you are right now. If you think I am cocky and arrogant, then you will be really surprised if ever we meet. It just doesn't fit! You are getting the wrong perception of me. Maybe that's my fault. I'm going to have to pick every word I use a little more careful with you, as you zero in on every little thing. Most people don't. My definition of gracious is a person who exhibits manners ( I was raised with manners), kindness, great consideration of others, being courteous of others, using tact, and also being very grateful for what one has. I feel that describes me, and I won't apologize for selecting that word because it fits. I suppose you will choose to interpret that as more cocky and arrogant behavior from me, and if you do, I think that is unfair and a desire on your part to put me down for whatever reason feeds your head. I am being honest and sincere with you. I do feel humility whether that shows through to you or not. What you think you perceive of me, can be a bit off, since words on an internet, without the benefit of seeing body language and facial expressions, only gives the other person a small slice of the whole picture. Also, people see what they want to see. If you are coming from a negative place in your mind, or from a stressful place, .. that is going to color and influence what you are interpreting. Please think about that.
Yes, you are correct and I am getting off the computer. I ave been on 228 sites just today knowing I'll lose most connections. This has NOTHING to do with how I am feeling about you now. I am completely rational, slept on the plane---but am wasting waaaaay too much time having this conversation with you which is akin to banging my head against a brick wall.
Response to your latest post. Let's see if you can understand this; allow me to deliver it in bite sized pieces:
1. You resemble J only in that you are both hopeless romantics. No other similarities. Don't fool yourself.
2. It is always about you and how you feel. Ugh! "you are nit-picking me apart"...give me a break.
3. Ha! My father was only emotionally distant, but was always there for us financially, physically and never abandoned us. I have no ill feelings toward him whatsoever. Never have. He had problems with alcohol but was completely functional and worked as a physician and vascular surgeon until his death. Always supported me in my endeavors. Never was cruel or unkind or abusive. I am not ashamed by my father or by his parenting methods, I have zero shame...he was better than 90% of the fathers I knew then and know today. Certainly better than your son's father by a country mile. Stop making up more shit to make yourself feel better.Again...you do not possess the intellectual gravitas to change my views. You never will.
4.Call your self rational if you like; but you are not really defined as a rational person, as far as I am concerned. Sorry, but this fact is quite obvious. This does not make you irrational; you are neither rational nor irrational....but I would never define you as a rational person given some of your statements and your outlandish views. You are very difficult person with whom to reason.
5.You have plenty of baggage all to yourself and then some, so stop acting like everyone else in the world must too. Many people do (like you) and many people do not (like me). End of story. You keep saying this as if you think you can convince me (LOL!) and it proves you absolutely do not know me.
6.You brought Sarah up, not me, so stop saying you don't want to talk about her. You kept asking me about Tara and when I finally answer you, you go postal. I don't care if you ask me about her...but spare me the hostility, accusations, outlandish predictions, and self-aggrandizement.
7. Usually nobody considers themselves "gracious"...one usually refers to others as gracious...but not one's own self. Do you understand that? I have never heard anyone refer to themselves as 'gracious' before. Just an observation.
8. Jeffery may have said negative things about Bea and about Tara to me ...and I do not care if either of you do. But, J did not not make whacked-out predictions, nutty accusations or tell me "Just wait...I will be PROVEN right" in a smug manor. Besides, J is my lover and we live together...I think he has a bit more of a stake here than you. He met Bea and she was sleeping with me while he was living in the same apartment. I have no problem with what you say about Tara....it is your entire arrogant and smug attitude that I dislike. Read your stupid post over from the other day and you will get a clue as to what I am saying. Maybe.
9. And of course you cannot listen to anyone and think that maybe you are not so perfect and perhaps you come across as unappealing at times and that perhaps I may actually have a point. You have to turn it on me and accuse me of attacking you for no reason...always so concerned with yourself. Very sad.
10. You did not anger or offend me. I just don't like the way you are behaving.
Read over your last message and then read over your previous messages and try to get a clue as to how you are perceived. Cutting and pasting and bringing up ancient history and quoting old conversations,etc etc etc ...it is all desperate and immature...and a troubling pattern of behavior. If you respond to me with anything resembling another blame game, or deflection of responsibility, then don't bother. I am losing my proxy server connection tomorrow...my first official day here. Good timing! I ma also losing my patience.
Damn it Michael, ... Please stop this! I can feel how drained, sleep deprived, and stressed out you are. I don't want to add to that, so why don't you get off the boards for now and get some rest. Have Jeffery give you a massage and some tender loving care. You deserve that and I want that for you. It would feel a whole lot better than trying to pick fights with me.
I am listening! You want me to have humility. You want me to agree with everything you say! You want me to tell you, " You're right., I'm wrong." You want me to admit I'm boastful! You want me to say negative things about myself. You want me to say that you have absolutely no baggage, no hurts, no scars from your past and that not everyone has 'baggage'. Neither I, nor anyone else better disagree with you because you are never wrong and you know it all. Did I miss anything? I'm sure you will say I'm missing everything! So why don't you enlighten me oh wise one ... I really don't deserve this, so talk to me and tell me why you are so goddamn angry at me!
YOU DO NOT GET IT. You do not listen. I completely give up. You are incorrigible.
If you want to explode to me and release shit to me, then by all means do it. I just wish you wouldn't turn it on me, and make me the target. Whatever I have said to make you so goddamn angry, I'm sorry and it wasn't my intention, and I can only conclude you are taking some things I said the wrong way, because there were no venom arrows aimed at you. I am sorry if I hurt you, and I take back whatever I said that is making you so angry. Nothing I said was intended to offend you. Please forgive me.
Jesus Christ Michael! Where is all this anger coming from, and why are you aiming it at me? I have not said anything to deliberately hurt you like you are at me, and I also feel you are totally misreading who I am, and even what I have been saying in my last posts to you. You were not under attack, so please don't take it that way. You accuse me of acting so defensive, well I've got to say you are being hyper sensitive and defensive here as well. It feels like you are nit-picking me apart and deliberately looking for any dirt you can find on me. Am I really that ugly and bad a person as you are trying to make me out to be? I can stop with the predictions and the " I was proven to be right" shit. No big deal. You only needed to tell me that you prefer me not to say such things, and I would and I will desist. Why explode about it like a keg of dynamite? Totally unnecessary. I define baggage as hurts, scars, and things from our past that we carry forward and that shape who we are now. It is my belief everybody has something they're carrying around, and you can't tell me you don't have a few hurts of your own, such as an alcoholic father that was somewhat absent from your life. Nothing to be ashamed of, it's not your fault, but that had to hurt. You told me you went through a rough period of your life, and it had to have affected you. You can't tell me you are completely baggage free and carry no scars. Come on Michael, get real. There is no shame in having hurts from the past that we carry with us. Everybody has something. I feel you are making way too much of a deal that I said a few choice words to Sarah. Many people attack her, and have said worse things to her than I did. She is a magnet for trouble with her big mouth and less than cultured ways, and rude and crude behavior. She and I have not tangled with each other for some time now, and I consider her in the past. Why do you insist on making that a bigger deal than it is? She is a nobody to me, and not important. I would really prefer not talking about her anymore. I will shut up about Tara. Again, you only needed to ask me not to bring her up, if this is turning into such a sore subject for you. I am a very rational and easy to get along with human being, you only need to talk to me about anything that is bugging you, and I will accommodate you. No big deal. Why explode about little things? You told me many times that Jeffery and I are a lot alike, and I can see that too, and now all of a sudden you say we aren't. What's up with that? He has said negative things about Bea and Tara just as I have, and now he is forgiven and I'm not? What's up with that? I have never been accused of being boastful by anybody, or perceived in that way till now. In fact, I always viewed myself as a very humble, thoughtful and gracious human being. And I suppose my saying that will now be construed by you as being "boastful"! You want me to feel like shit for some reason, and I don't get that. I really think you are reading me wrong. I always say positive things about you and to you, to lift you up and make you feel good about yourself. And what I get back is a direct personal attack with many negatives and put downs. What's up with that? That is what people playing games do to try to put themselves on a higher level in their mind to feel better about themselves and to try to control the other person and make them feel like shit. Now I know you are a confident person who has no need for that stupid game. I'm sorry for anything I've done that bugs you. I'm sorry I came across as being so goddamn boastful. That is really not who I am, but I will say I feel good about myself, I like who I am. I am a good and loving person because I was raised to be that way, and I choose to be that way. Is that boastful to you? I would like to know. We have good times and good conversations, and you are a friend to me first and foremost. If you want to explode
You need to go find a real boyfriend. I am just too damn busy, too involved with J and too damn stressed. You are draining me. Sorry.
You can claim I have baggage to make yourself feel better...it is just an insecurity of yours...you cannot accept fault in yourself. Too bad for you. I had a pretty easy life and a happy childhood and very positive relationships and some not so positive. I feel good about all of them and embrace all of them and have no anger or ill feelings left from any of my past relationships. They were all good in their way. I have never been married and never even came very close..by choice. I don't want that. For you to assume everyone has baggage is naive and just plain stupid. You cannot accept any criticism without throwing it back on the to her person and that just plain sucks. Dudes hate that. You can cut and past til the dogs come home. I think you need to toughen up and get real. I know reading this is blistering (to use Frank's word), but deal with it. I promise that if you pull the same bs again about how right you are and how wrong I am and how this one said that, and your stupid predictions, I won;t read it. So don;t waste your time. And you do have an abject mistrust of woman so deal with that too. You will never, in a million years, convince me otherwise so don't waste your sweet time. You are too damn defensive and cannot accept criticism. I dislike those qualities. At one point you were saying that you are like J in so many ways...LOL--you two could not be more different and I realize this more each day. You You do not know yourself as well as you think. J and I are together and that is not going to change and should just let me leave her for both of our sakes. I always feel badly and come back....but your last messages wee so defensive and arrogant and offensive as well as UNTRUE and void of any self-reflection...that I actually think I now have the strength to leave!! Hopefully I will be cooled off by January. Right now I am not liking you very much.
Quick final comments. We are at the airport waiting for our car from work to p/u. They are running late...so I have been on the internet for an hour...much to J's dismay. We had a stop over so the flight was fairly long. J thought it was better to have a longer flight so bro could sleep. He did so it was a good calculation on J's part. I was going to ignore your post, but I'll comment since this is probably the last time for now. Let's see...No, you are not right or correct half as much as you claim you are. I find it boastful to constantly pat yourself on the back for something so silly and insignificant. Just sayin' Of course you are not blaming me for your bringing up Grimoire (the complete nut case) and ck. That was so long ago...yet Sarah is pretty recent. So, of course you cannot take responsibility and you cast blame me: "I brought up the past on you because you brought up the past on me". How childish! That statement speaks volumes, ma dear. Grimoire was an angry trouble making troll. 'nuff said. LOL--J never "goes negative" he is not made that way....and please do not compare yourself to him to make some lame point. He would never, in a million years, insult and attack anyone the way you did Sarah. I am not sticking up for Sarah....AT ALL...she is not prize, but to think J goes negative like you did is beyond ridiculous. He was not that happy with Bea because he knew that Bea was my former lover and that we were active while she was here--right under his nose! I get that! And still he never really said anything cruel or demeaning or insulting about her. He was a bit jealous...I understand that. As far as Tara...he hates her because he feels she is younger, attractive and throwing herself at me with no regard for him...this is all true. But, he was never rude to her personally...he said a few choice things to me. But he is my lover , he lievs with me and we are together sharing the same bed every night. I understand him feeling threatened. Do not compare what you did to how J feels. I am not stupid or as easily manipulated as you may think. You do not possess the insight or the intellectual gravitas to convince me of thinking a different way than I do. You write: "there are times that you don't see things"--perhaps, but more times you see things that JUST ARE NOT THERE! Remember your constant rantings about how Bea was trying to trap me into pregnancy? And you woudl not drop this paranoid notion in the face of overwhelming evidence to the contrary. You insisted she wanted me back full-time, and I know that she wanted to sleep with me and have me thee for her. She has no intention of moving back to NY. She is not going to dump her bf of 15 years who is exceedingly wealthy and who makes me look like a pauper. GET REAL! You were wrong. Whether Bea loved me or not is beside the point. She wanted my love and affection...but did not want to be exclusive. I know that. You also insisted she would show up in London last time SHE DID NOT...you were so cocky and assured....And now you say Tara is in love with me...but my acts on Jeffery disgust her....she can't be both in love and disgusted by me, right? . She simply wants what humans want...sex. She is not the best example here. My response to your arrogant statement is that even a broken clock is right twice a day. Honestly? You could benefit from a little humility. I am not saying that I also could...I could...but I ADMIT it.There is a difference between confidence and boastfulness. Confidence is a turn-on, boastfulness is a turn-off. "Time will prove me right" is really an empty,contemptuous statement. You realize dudes hate when women who say things like that, right? It is annoying and imperious. well, you have a lot of baggage and it becomes more evident to me each time these exchanges occur. Of course you have to claim that I do as well since, God forbid, you can't have baggage unless the entire world also does. Not true. NOT all people carry around baggage.
Sorry dear heart, I never mean to upset you. You said some things I don't agree with, so we need to just agree to disagree on certain matters. I am shocked ck and Grimoire are one in the same. Grimoire claimed she lived in Pennsylvania, and ck claimed to live in Jersey. They both had different avatars. Are you absolutely sure, and if so, where did she live? LOL I brought up the past on you because you brought up the past on me, and it was to show you that you got scary mean and nasty too. You know you did! LOL It's okay, .. that doesn't mean either one of us are bad people. The reason I have tended to go negative on these ladies you speak of is the same reason Jeffery goes negative on them. It's fear you may end up with one of them. J and I both have romantic feelings for you, so it shouldn't be too hard for you to understand that. There are times though when I see things you don't see, and it has been my thought to point these things out to you, only to have you still not see it, then I look bad in your eyes. Such as when I tried to point out to you that Bea came over to revive your relationship, and you didn't see it at that time. I was right. Same with Jeffery and you didn't believe me. Same with Ellery, and you don't believe she loves you, so I drug the proof over here for you to see for yourself. And now you don't believe Tara is in love with you. I am telling you now, .. she is! And time will prove me right. You don't have to believe me now, just remember what I told you she is going to do. Time will prove me right, just like with J and Bea, and Ellery. One more thing I would like to correct. My two ex's did not dump me, I dumped them. Jamie's dad was having an affair on me so I kicked him out. Three months later he wanted me back when his fling was over. I said no way. You like to remind me I have baggage. Well guess what? You do too! And so does everyone over the age of 12. We are all products of our past with issues of one sort or another. That's life, .. and that's part of being human. Now, I am going to disagree with one more thing you said. You say you are not great and wonderful. Well, I beg to differ with you. I think you are not only great and wonderful, .. but I think you are terrific as well. So there! Nanny nanny boo boo. :)
LOL!you are lucky I have a late (over night) flight! We are leaving soon. Bro is all drugged so we are all set. Hmmmm...cannot comment too much as there are time limitations. I will say that ...ummm...yes, I will not deny that Frank is correct. Frank is a dude and like me, says the truth without emotional implication. He is correct. I try very hard to control my intellectual arrogance...but fail at times. I will not dispute his opinion as he is correct in some assertions and I find him a fair person, and an intelligent man who is fairly perceptive. So if i did over step social boundaries of proper decorum, my apologies. However, I would be lying, ma dear, if I told you that I do not believe to be true what I wrote...I do...however, some things, perhaps, need not be said. My intent is never to be "humiliating" and "blistering"...so if I succeeded on this front, then I have also failed most profoundly.
How do I say this? you say you mistrust "some some, but not all women", then why is it that every women I have mentioned you have had an abject mistrust? EVERY SINGLE ONE! No exceptions! Is it me? I do not know.
You do need to understand an issue a couple of years back when I corresponded with ck and grimoire 13. Firstly, many times...it was not me responding to then, although ck/grim assumed it was me. There were so many trolls and they would post under initials and Grimoire/ck would assume it was me, and honestly, most times it was not. You also understand that Grimorie and ck were the same person w/ the same ip, right? bullshitter majora she was. I assume you knew that. I knew it and never officially 'outed' her...but it pissed me off that she was lying to everyone pretending to be the bitch Grimorie and the nicer ck. that was a while ago...aren't we talking about modern history? why try to make your point by throwing it back on me? I don't like that. Sarah is no prize and means absolutely nothing to me...however, you came down hard on her and I saw her relent...not you. You color things the way you like... to make yourself more comfortable; a defense mechanism, perhaps? Yes. I don't care much what you say about Sarah (at all--got for it!), or Tara and to a degree, Bea. The issue i have is with your post dated today @2:34 pm. I tried ot get you to just stop posting to me since I am very weak. Why waste your time on a bi dude who is involved w/ another dude? You get the impression that everyone is in love with me...and they are not. Not if they have a brain in their head, lol! Both you and J think I am so great and wonderful...I am not. Please understand that! And as far as your changes about not saying anything negative about anyone---you can! It is okay--please don't get angry though! Please do not send messages like the one at 2:34pm. Gotta go and get ready to leave soon. Have not slept in 27 hours. Really--no kidding.
I don't want you leaving on your trip with any hard feelings between us, ... so I want to wish you a safe and wonderful trip, and I hope it is truly enjoyable for all three of you. I'll miss you, and I welcome any communication you can get to me. I love the hell out of you, ...... Storm ~~~
My apologies to Sarah and JustMe for over reacting. Go ahead and judge me if you think you know me well enough to do so ...... I became unkind to both of you and that is not who I am.
Posted by QuietStorm on May 29th 2010, 10:49pm
Frank Tue 9/7/10 02:10 PM
L,
There was one thing that bothered me about M. and I have noticed it over the last year during our collective conversations on these blogs. He can be intellectually arrogant and debasing toward those who do not assume that he is 100% correct and the authority on all topics. At times he can be too smart for his own good. He is seated at the right hand of the Lord, lol!!! -- let us not forget! He has been very outspoken about how other people have stupid or worthless opinions, and if they give an opinion on something that he feels is not well thought or crafted, then they are "uneducated, moronic or ill-informed" according to him. Most people do not have the educational background or sophistication to compete with him and he fails to understand that. I have read him communicating to all of us this way. I know he has said some things to you L about your religious views. He is usually technically right with his huge bank of information, but he ignores that his delivery is blistering and humiliating for the object of his ridicule. I ignore it.
Wow. Where to begin ... I realize you are only trying to help me, so I am going to start from there, and keep this as positive as possible. You made a very general statement that I mistrust women, which is misleading. I mistrust some women, not all women. I also mistrust some men, but not all men. Now I ask you, .. how is this different than how any other human feels? I think the majority of people feel that way. If you want to insist I hate and mistrust all women, then you go there alone, because I know what I think and feel, and it just isn't true. Regarding Sarah: I issued an apology to her on the poll shortly after I over reacted, but she didn't back off or relent. She made extremely cruel and vicious remarks after that, and though you didn't ask her to back off, some kind soul did, but it didn't last long, .. she came at me again. Did you want me to just lay down and let her kick me around? I tried to ignore her, but she took that as weakness so I said my piece to her, wished her well, and walked away. But she still comes over here and puts in her digs trying to incite me. You say I got scary mean and nasty. How about you? I have seen you get scary mean and nasty to people who mean nothing like ck and Grimoire 13, and a whole bunch of other people. If you want to ask me where that came from in me, then I want to ask you where that came from in you? I think the short and simple answer is, .. it's called giving people back what they are dishing out. Sometimes I wish I would have just walked away and said nothing ( 20/20 hindsight) and sometimes I am glad I fought back. I am not going to just lay down and be kicked to death. I would like to know why you don't come down on Sarah for being mean and nasty? Seems she can say anything mean and false and you don't say a thing. I don't understand where you get this idea that I think I am all splendid and wonderful. I have never said that. Would it be better if I utter negatives about myself? I understand and agree with what your mom taught you, .. be humble. But I don't think that means that one must walk around feeling bad about their self. I have told you many times that I am not perfect and I know that. I am a student of life like everybody else, taking my knocks and trying to learn and grow as I go. You are not without some very valid points here, and I am going to make some changes, starting with not saying anything negative to you about anybody. I was taught that if you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all. I have drifted away from that, and I need to get back to that way of thinking. I am also going to reign in giving out advice, unless you ask me for it. I won't be perfect, I may slip here and there, but you are going to see a change from how I have been. Please be patient with me, .. I am a work in progress. I am going to drag what Frank said about you over here for you to read again, because I don't think you realize how you come across to people either. You can be so harsh and condescending. Now, don't get mad at me, because this is what he said, and there is truth in this.
not to further incite you...but thinking about the term 'misogyny' it is sometimes defined as the 'hatred, dislike or mistrust of women'. And while I didn't initially define you as a misogynist, you may actually, to a degree, fit the definition. Sorry...I am not trying to hurt you, but it is evident to me that I, unintentionally, struck a chord when you overreacted and became defensive. While you do not see yourself as this...I see some traits. I won't stick up for Tara as I thinks he has issues...but even with your son's unfortunate circumstance, you seem to be blaming the woman involved. Just an observation...like you say, you are helping me to see how woman are, I am helping you to see how you are...or at least how you project yourself/come across to others.
Firstly, I did not call you a misogynist. Misogyny is hatred of women, in general...or it can also be defined as a strong dislike of women based on past experiences. While I did not initially accuse you of being a misogynist, the 2nd definition, perhaps, applies. When you wrote that nonsensical phrase that you "love and trust women otherwise I would not be attracted to them and have female friends"....well, to me that comment shows unaffected simplicity and is nescient, to say the least. These naif-like defenses hold no h20, in my opinion. I was trying to convey this by saying that even a misogynist---a woman hater (IN VERY GENERAL TERMS)---can be (and many are!) attracted to women. Even male batterers can be, and probably most are, attracted to females. But you extrapolate what I say as to be a direct attack on you (when I was just trying to inject reason into an unreasonable and silly defense). But, you ARE very mistrustful of women and you go overboard with your criticisms. You get down right nasty and jugular and you don't see it as you see yourself as only splendid and wonderful. Well, pardon me, but it's not always so true. Re: Sarah...I have no feelings for her or allegiance to her...but you were pretty awful to her with these things you wrote way back when. She was probably baiting you to al degree...but you can get very scary-mean, overly-critical, defamatory, belittling...like a different person. Lots of baggage...I can see that. Sarah can write a little dig comment to get your goat and you completely overreact and then you go off. From whence comes this behavior? And now you are all hyper-sensitive about my comment because you "love women" so much...well, you said some mean things about Bea (actually..many things were untrue), about J, about Tara. Don't get me wrong...it didn't bother me that you think these things or if you express them ONCE...but I get sick of your insecurities being expressed over and over again and being taken out on other people. It is fine to write one or two sentences...but you produce this diatribe...and it goes waaaaaay overboard! Perhaps there is a grain of truth to your feelings...but the problem is in your delivery. I sense a lot of projection, defense, hostility toward women and it is based on your past experiences. I am correct about this and I am sorry if this is difficult for you to 'hear' Here's a thought: be angry at the men who dumped you in favor of these women....not the women. Understand? I have no interest whatsoever in Tara...so what if she is trying to get in my pants...she isn't going to so who really cares? I give her an "A" for effort. You act like I am this God to women and they can't resist me or something...trust me...'tis not true. Tara bought me an expensive wallet....she gave me her contact info....I see it as a fairly simple strategy: She likes me, she wanted to buy me a gift I would be impressed with (I like the finer things, I admit it), 'Harrods' is quintessential London and it gave her an opportunity to provide me w/ her contact info. Whatever in the world you think this gift represents other than what I stated, I am just dying to know...or were you just blowing smoke? And another thing: How on earth can Tara be a homophobe (And I will not argue with that term based on the fag comment and her expressed disdain for my digestive practices) and also want a relationship with me? Does this make sense? She is disgusted by my activity with J, but wants to be my girlfriend? Makes no sense. You see that, right? You cannot accuse her of both. Maybe she just wants me to "do her dirty" like she said. Maybe a quickie...but nothing more. You are probably convinced that she is in love with me..which is silly. She does not even know me. I am sorry that it hurts you to hear the truth, but I'lls ay it again: You have a general and insidious mistrust of the motives of women. Period.
I hate coffee, and I don't have any valium or drugs in the house stronger than Nyquil. :) I don't even have any alcohol, or I would do something rare and have a shot! LOL Please, ... just don't call me a woman hater because it just isn't true and is way off the mark. There isn't a woman on this planet that is going to like and love every woman they meet in their life. I am no different. I like and love most, .. not all. So sue me! :) PS .... I love you.
No, it is not about Tara. It is about you. I'll explain more later as I have a few things to do now and am too busy at the moment to respond to these silly, futile, foolhardy,inane and sophomoric comments. Take a valium, have some coffee and get a God- damn grip --I'll be back later. Jeesh!
This isn't even about Tara. It's about you being convinced I hate women, ... and that just isn't true. I hate being painted and branded something I am not. I am not a misogynist, .. a woman hater. You keep trying to call me that, .. and that is why I am upset.
Get a grip. your 'rant' is not my fault. Take some responsibility for your actions....and if you don't like my answers, then don't continually and persistently ask me about Tara. I had no intention of telling you anything about her so dispense with the inquiries if my response is going to set you off. Understood? It's all pretty elementary and simple.
Your greeting to me this morning wasn't exactly positive and uplifting. In fact, it sounded accusatory and branding.
R-E-L-A-X....you are behaving like a child.
The only person who knows how I feel about women is me, so how can you pretend to know me better than myself? You haven't even met me or my friends, and have not entered my world yet. I never said anyone is evil. I have suggested that some people have ulterior motives behind their actions, and I have been proven right in most cases, such as when I suggested J and Bea wanted you back, and you denied that. Any thoughts I have given to you on these people were simply meant as food for thought to help you out, and to give you the viewpoint from a female mind that has been around to see a few rodeos and the games people play. Sarah has said many ugly and not true things about me that are way off the mark, even about you, and I'm suppose to like her? And if I don't I'm a misogynist? She can say the ugliest things about me, and you say nothing, and when I tell you she is not my cup of tea and I don't like her, I get reamed. Why are you being so hard on me? Tara shows she is homophobic and lets you know that what you do with J is disgusting to her. Now she apologizes and says she doesn't feel that way. Well, which is it? Who is the real Tara? I say it is the first one who is homophobic, that finds what you do is disgusting. But she knows that sentiment isn't going to get her what she wants, which is you, so she feeds you a lie and an apology. She was shaking because she wants you bad, and she is afraid of rejection. No big mystery. I could mention the other reasons she gave you an expensive wallet besides the reasons I have already given you, but you are convinced it's all sincere and innocent with no strings or ulterior motives attached, even though there was a big one left inside the wallet. Okay, I've learned my lesson. I need to just keep my mouth shut, and my thoughts to myself, lest I be branded a woman hater and a misogynist.
Many misogynists are also sexually attracted to women too...that does not make them any less disdainful or mistrustful of them. Two different things. Batterers are attracted to women as well...even attracted to their victims. Your defense n the first lines of your post holds no h20. sorry :(
You also said similar things about Bea and about J and even about some cyber friends (Sarah to mention one). LOL. I don't want Tara anymore. And while I don't consider her to be my type, I felt her gift was a sincere gesture. I see no sinister motive behind it. Yes, she included her contact numbers in the wallet...not very subtle, but certainly not evil. And your assertion that she s obsessed with me is silly too. I thinks she is afraid of me. I make her uncomfortable and nervous. This was clear. How else do you account for the shaking and trembling when she hugged me?...and she almost had a look of nervousness when she kissed me...as if her lips were quivering. Explain that all-knowing! LOL! That was not over-confidence and manipulation. Look...she said some ugly things.....some immature, even insensitive slurs. But she apologized. I can accept her apology and move on. This doesn't mean that I have to accept her. I know what I am dealing with and am able to determine that she lacks the sophistication that I would require in a mate...even in a sexual partner. Case closed. Doubt I will ever see her again. I basically did not sleep last night. Too many things runnign through my mind. J kept me up pretty late (and I mean 'up'). Easy, relaxing day today.........
I'm going to miss you something awful. :( I wish I could do to you what J does to you, .. and all night long too. Well, maybe not every single thing he does, but I have a few special things of my own I could compensate with. :)
Babe, ... If I may correct you, .. the truth is I love and trust most women, otherwise I wouldn't be attracted to them and have women friends. But there is a type of woman I do not like and trust, and if you think all women are as pure and innocent as the driven snow, then I think you are naive. Tara is playing games with you. She didn't buy you a wallet to say 'goodbye'! She bought it to entice you, plant her card, patch things up with you, and a few other reasons I won't mention. She already showed her true colors with the things she said to you and what she said to Sheila calling Jeffery a fag. THAT IS THE REAL TARA! Now she is lying to you and telling you that isn't who she is? C'mon! She screwed up and blew it with you and she knows it, .. so she is willing to lie, and try to bribe and buy you back so she can see you in London. That is her big objective, as she thinks with you being away from Jeffery and alone, ( at least so she thinks) it will be the perfect opportunity to seduce you, .. and it isn't just sex she wants! She wants you! When you don't call her, .. she will start calling you with flimsy excuses, or just to say 'Hi' and make sure you are eating okay! Yeah right. Once she is at her brother's in Scotland, she will definitely call you up and ask if she can come stay with you, maybe under a bogus excuse like, " I just want a chance to see London." That will be pure BS if she pulls that on you, and an out and out lie, just like she told you today. Do I like her? No I don't, and I don't like the way she operates. Do I trust her? Hell no, and neither does Sheila and Jeffery. I don't like saying negative things about anyone, but sometimes one has to speak what the truth is, and that is what I see her doing, and I don't like it. I don't know if she has a choice to delay her graduate work and stay with the lab thing she is doing now, .. but if she has a choice to do that, .. I'll bet you another big pack of gum with a roll of mints thrown in, that she will do just that so she can pursue and stalk you when you get back in January! That is how obsessed she is with you. Watch and see! The all knowing QS can read her like a book! :) Is she part of the pack of men thieves? Damn straight! LOL
Oh, and you'll love this (can't wait to tell J tonight and see his eyes roll...) during lunch everyone was asking me about my plans to have visitors in London, etc. Of course Tara (who happened to seat herself very near me) was listening intently. So I was very honest (in hopes of dissuading her from an unanticipated visit) and said that J will be visiting as often as he can. Some work mates pressed on how he can get away form his company so often...and I told them "where there's a will, there's a way" and that he said he can't stay away from me too long or he'll miss touching me and holding me and smelling my manly scent...the females at the table all sighed an "awwwwwwww.."in unison. Normally, I would not have been so candid, but thought it was good for Tara to know this. Well, after I confessed J's intentions and expressed reasons for increased visits...Tara pipes up and says "Oh, I definitely can understand that!" LOL-- Priceless.
No, she does not have my address in London. Human Resources and my workmates have my phone # and work e-mail. Sheila has my new address as she was responsible for shipping all of my work there --well, most of my boxes of files, etc. and office equipment was sent to my new office, but some stuff to my flat address. I very much doubt she would show up in an unfamiliar city at my doorstep. I know you don't trust her as you have a blatant mistrust of women and their motives. I don't think she is evil, maybe just horny and immature. I blame myself for saying some things to her early on, which I regret.When she first joined the company a couple of months back, I flirted and intimated (but never expressed in words...) that I wanted to sleep with her (and I did want to back then!), I would look her over (undress her with my eyes) quite obviously so as for her to notice, and probably gave her the impression I was indeed interested in her. Why she would be so flattered at my attention is puzzling to me...but alas...Anyway, the wallet is very nice...but a bit extravagant. Inside the wallet I noticed she left her business card and on the back printed her cell #, home #, home address, e-mail (which she had already given me prior) and her brother's address in Scotland. And a note reading "would really love to hear from you!" LOL. Most people were hugging and kissing me goodbye and she waited her turn. could not avoid it or else it would have been very awkward. So I hugged her and she squeezed me very tightly...she was shaking a bit, almost trembling, not sure why...but I was surprised as she appears to be so confident. Cannot figure out why she would be shaking so as she does not know me very well. And then she looked at me and did try to kiss (just a peck) before I said..."oops, be careful, you don't know where my mouth has been." She quickly apologized saying "I regret some stupid things that I said to you and I hope you understand it is not how I genuinely feel. Can we forget about it?" And I said "of course". She then pecked me on the lips. Nothing sensual...at all. Chances are I will never see the woman again. J still not home after teasing me about an afternoon delight. Dude is in big trouble tonight! Bro asked me to "try not to make so much noise tonight if you two are going to do it again." LOL! Flight is late tomorrow so bro can sleep on the plane.
Please tell me she doesn't have the address to your flat?!! And I hope it isn't posted anywhere at your work, and that Sheila knows not to give it to her. Did she try to flirt with you or get in a hug? She will show up unexpected at your doorstep, .. that way you have no chance to tell her 'NO'!! I have felt all along that is her big plan, and I don't trust her. She's sneaky! Is there a Harrod store in Manhattan? I believe it is owned by Dodi Fayad's (sp?) father. Dodi being Princess Diana's lover who was killed with her in that horrible car crash in the Paris tunnel. I loved Diana, and cried for several days over the way her life ended. So tragic and premature. She was such a beautiful and good person. Jeffery is acting like he is never going to see you again!! LOL How cute! Well, I'm all for afternoon delight! I managed to slip in some self pleasure delight about an hour ago when Jamie had a call that took him into Albuquerque. I get it when I can! LOL Seems like I remember you telling me that Daniel is a chemical engineer. Am I right, and is that what he is doing now? I know his last job didn't work out and you had to help him find another one. Do you have to help him get to work? How I wish I was going on this venture with you guys! I know it won't be all fun and games, but you are all good people and I have yet to see the UK. Just a little envy and wishful thinking ... I'm very happy for all three of you!
Decided I am leaving work early. Had the luncheon/party...nothing to do since all of my work shit is packed up and has already been shipped out to my new office...hanging, chillin' and actually getting excited (not anxious) about leaving. Bro is at his job so I am going to meet J at home at 3:30 for an extended afternoon delight...taking us into the evening...he says he needs to get all of his F-ing in before I leave, LOL....we'll see if he is able to escape work early today, I am dubious. He has been pretty damn busy since he is taking this time off to travel out w/ me. The luncheon was nice...sort of a 'roast' if you will. My secretary/asst planned it and I saw the guest list. While she didn't formally invite Tara...there was a sign-up sheet and Tara happened to see it and she signed up. Tara gave me a very nice leather wallet from Harrod's (the London store)....a very extravagant gift for not knowing me that well. I told her that I could not accept it and she said "I knew you were going to say that so I will tell you that I refuse to take 'no" for an answer and if you attempt to return it to me, I will hand deliver it to you in London." YIKES! I think that was a hint. Been fooling around on the computer all day wasting time...not much to do. Oops! Gotta run...more people at my door to say their 'goodbyes.'
Good Morning Jelly Bean, ... I didn't think I would feel this way, but I'm beginning to feel excited for you! This is all falling into place and feels right, then. I thought it would feel sad, but it doesn't. I am like a sponge often times when it comes to feeling people's emotions and vibes. Sometimes I wish I knew how to block other people's vibes and energy out, but I can't, even given my best efforts. I'm not trying to be all paranormal on you, everybody has this, .. I just think I am even more acute and sensitive since I am a very sensitive and observant type person. Well, now I am dying of curiosity to see what Tara got you for a gift. I hope it isn't something tacky like a dildo! hahahaha God only knows! You've got to tell me what it is! Good thing you will have lots of people there so she can't corner you into a 'talk', though I think she will try. How did you find out she's coming? So once again she is trying to patch things with you. I knew it, she still thinks she has a chance. Jeffery has only you and your 'package' on his mind. You won't be apart from him long enough for him to wander. I even think you could be apart a solid two years and he would stay true to you. After all, he asked you to be committed to him, remember? He desires absolutely no one else, just you, sweet cakes! :) What time is your luncheon?
Feel fine about leaving. I am coming home again for the Columbus Day weekend, LOL. From Friday (or Saturday morn)--through Monday . J and bro will be leaving me on the evening of the 5th--then I'll be flying back in on the 8th or 9th. Nobody has time to miss anyone!! Knowing that J is taking such good care of bro and that I will have them fly out with me....then see J every other weekend whether in NY or London...makes it easier. Tara is coming to my 'farewell luncheon' at work today, lol...and she told me she bought me a 'going away' gift. When I return end of December--January, she should be getting ready to leave and re-start her grad program. Don't know, don't care. J is getting all mushy and parasitic ...but he tells me he does not care what i think ..he is going to miss me sorely so I'll just have to deal with that knowledge and his unsolicited affection. As I expressed, it would not completely shock me if J had a fling. I knwo he attracts lots of dudes and he may have a weak moment. He is, after all, only a mere mortal of a man....
LoL! Well, my questions are most sincere, and if they happen to keep you coming back, that is a most delightful benefit! :) I would be willing to bet you another pack of gum that Jeffery will not take on another lover while you are gone. He would rather sit within 3 inches of the phone hoping you will call! LOL I am sure of it. It will also be his way of showing you how devoted and in love with you he is. Make that a huge pack of gum I'm betting you! Still no sign of Tara lurking around? Does your plane leave morning, afternoon, or evening? Are you feeling ready for this now?
You misunderstood...J will not be coming to London every-other weekend. He will be coming every other weekend that I am not in NY. Originally, I planned to come home to NY every other weekend. But with the work load and other responsibilities..I soon realized this was not possible.J asked if he could come home on the weekends I am not able (meaning....he would see me every other weekend even if it means him flying to London when I cannot come home). This would mean probably 3 or 4 trips out for him. He said he cannot go that long without touching me and smelling or holding me (or the other thing he does to me). How dramatic! Bro should be fine once he comes out the first time. He was feeling abandoned but was not able to express that. He adores his caregiver and she has the patience of a saint and plays all of the interminably long, boring board games that I hate. I think he'll be fine by then...and if not, then J stays behind. His caretaker stays overnight with him, yes. Boy, you ask lot of questions...I think you are trying to engage me so I will have to respond. I am onto you. I am not so sure that J won't take on another lover. He may feel very romantic toward me and be in love...but he is also a dude. He has a very active libido (more than anyone else I have ever been with...rivals my own), and if he misses me enough, he may look for comfort and physical pleasures from outside our relationship.
And why would I ever want to forget about you? LOL You are already very real to me! Maybe we will meet someday, maybe we won't, but I have a feeling we will. Don't know when exactly, I'm hoping somewhere around January to spring time, but I think whatever is happening with J will determine the likelihood of that, and of course where you are coming from. On my side, a job would be a possible hindrance that might interfere. Too many unknowns at this time, but I do have the desire to meet you someday and we go from there. You are not the kind of person I am going to forget no matter what the future holds. You're special to me, and you always will be. You can write that in stone! :) Jeffery will not take on another lover during this time, and I know that for real because he and I are cut from the same cloth. I understand who he is and how he thinks. Just like I am a one man woman, he is a one man, man! LOL You cannot be replaced in his mind and heart, and sex with anyone else would feel empty and just make him miss you more! End of story! That's the way it is. You are cut from a different kind of cloth, you think differently than he and I do. Nothing wrong with that, it is simply who you are. Glad to hear he will be there every other weekend, but I am wondering how Daniel will behave and react to his absence during those times, not having either of you there for 2 or 3 days. Is he attached to the caretaker and does she stay overnight with him during those times? I hope it all works out. I just have a feeling he isn't going to like that, and J may have to bring him along! Remember what he said, " A family shouldn't be separated." He is going to have a hard time understanding why J gets to go, and he doesn't. Or am I wrong?
If you have a photo of someone they become more real and it is harder to forget about them. Don't you think? I am trying to be helpful. I think J will be fine. If J wants and needs some good lovin' while I am away...he would have no problem finding plenty of willing participants. It might even happen. Yes, he tells me that there is no other man for him or nobody else holds any interest since he has been with me..etc. etc. But loneliness and the pain of missing someone does sometimes force you to seek comfort and affection elsewhere. And as long as he was careful, I would be fine with it. We had a very positive, deeply personal, intimate and heartfelt moment last night after activity where we discussed these things. He says it would be very hard to go to someone else after being with me, both emotionally and physically. He plans to fly out every other weekend that I do not come home, and he will stay at my flat with me and work from my place. He asked me if this was okay...I told him of course...this way, I get the physical pleasure that I know I will need. He laughed at my honest rebuttal. I told him that I would miss him. He is my best friend as well, not just a lover. He set up for bro's caregiver to come certain dates. It might be that I am so busy that we won't always spend much time together (except bedtime!!!), but he says he just wants to be near me....somewhere in the same vicinity. What can I say to that? I am no where near as romantic as this dude, LOL! I don't feel he is trying to thwart off potential suitors...he knows me and he knows he cannot force me to behave in a way I do not choose. I think he figures he has nothing to lose by requesting this...and he know the worst thing I can say is "no". And I did not.
Good Morning Honey, ... I can't believe this month is almost over, it has gone by so fast. I imagine even more so for you. Hope your day is off to a good start. Why would having a picture of you make it harder? I don't follow your thought on that. To me, it would make it easier to be able to put a face to this guy I've known and grown fond of. I know you don't have time to even think about such a thing and it is trivial to you and that's okay, I understand. Just keep it in mind that should you ever see an opportunity or feel so inclined, I would love to have a picture of you, and since I've heard so much about how handsome J is, I would love to see what he looks like as well, but he is pure curiosity, .. you are more than that. I didn't know you are planning to cram 5 months of work into 3! You mentioned once that you can do your work in half the time of an average person, and I can easily believe that. I just hope you won't 'burn your candle at both ends' as the saying goes, and exhaust yourself to the point you make yourself sick, sleep deprived, and get depressed. It sounds like J is very worried and a bit insecure you will find someone to sleep with while you are there. This is going to be much harder on him than you. I can see that clearly. He is going to have the phone within 3 inches of reach at all times with the hope you will be calling him! LOL Poor guy. I want you to know how much I respect and adore you babe. Most men would crumple under all the responsibilities and stress you carry on a daily basis on your shoulders. It's always hard enough on anyone to just have the worry of surviving and taking care of one's self. Your devotion to your brother under the circumstances that are so heartbreaking and difficult, just truly amazes me. I had to take care of my mom for the last 7 years of her life, but she never lived with me, she had her own home here in Rio Rancho, so I had a little breathing room to keep it together. It was still most difficult for me though, because I had the weight of 2 households to maintain, including mowing her lawns in the front and backyard, trimming bushes, handling her finances and endless medical bills, doing her grocery shopping, keeping her company, all while she was developing dementia and becoming more difficult as time went on. I could not talk her into going into assisted living and selling her house to simplify things and assure her safety better, and I didn't have the support of my siblings because they wanted her house to stay in when they came to visit. The stress was unbelievable at that time and while I am not glad that my mom is gone, I am incredibly grateful I am not still living that nightmare. I felt like I was a thousand years old back then, now I feel like my inside age is maybe 33. Life is good!
Bro does not adjust well to new surroundings and he never travels much. However, in this instance, he understands the situation and we have talked about it in great detail and length. It will be much harder on J than on me as J has to deal with the aftermath, LOL. My mother is unhappy as she felt like she did me a favor by adjusting her scheduling and agreeing to come to be with bro...and then we reneged. She is just unhappy that her son and favorite progeny is bopping a dude and is looking for reasons to be angry. I don't have a picture of me and J together as far as I know....why have a picture? Why make things harder for yourself? Yes I expect it to go by fast. I don't know how much time I will have to reflect as I won't have much down time. I will be very pre-occupied with this project. I have 3 months to do 5 months of work. I had the option of staying until March 1...but gave myself a more narrow deadline to be home sooner for bro. I do not have time for skype and would never make such a promise t J....he would be skyping me every night. Forget it...I'd never have any peace! I do not have time to stay connected while I am away. I will call bro when I can--but that's it. Even J knows I will call when I need something...but no time for small talk and chit chat. I need to focus out there. He will e-mail only when necessary...so hopefully he won't even do that. He understands all of this. He has been very good about accepting it which is making it easier for me. I know I will miss our physical encounters--that will be hard for me. I expect I will miss him...but if I am busy, I won't have time to think about it. He has already told me more than a dozen times that he loves me so much that anything I do will be forgiven he just wants me to be happy. It's like he is giving me permission to have a fling while away. This way, he won;t know about it. Who knows. Doubt I ever will....then I'll have to give that person attention too and abide by the expected courting rituals. ...too tiring thinking about it.
Well, again, I wish I could see what you and him look like, .. should you ever decide to send me a picture! :) I would cherish it as I consider you a friend for life at the very least. I would be happy to return the favor if you wanted a picture of me. I have no doubt you two will miss each other, but you can always talk to each other on the phone every night and he can pleasure you that way, as I'm sure you know what I mean. Can you do skype with each other ? Then he can really tease you! LOL I wonder if it would look even bigger on skype?! hahahahha You mentioned a little while back that this separation might be a good break for you, so you have time to reflect, and I think if you stay positive which I know you will, this can be a good experience for you, and I bet the time will go by fast. You'll be back home before you know it. Do you think Daniel will be okay once you get him to your flat? I know you mentioned before that he doesn't adjust well to new surroundings. Is your mom happy she doesn't have to fly now to NYC?
Yes, but J has a life and a company he needs to maintain in NY, so he is not able to visit me on a whim or simply because he misses me. He cannot "cling too tightly" across the seas.He cannot take an extended vacation either. I expect the initial separation to be hard for both of us. We are sharing our sleeping quarters and are intimate every night now ....and now we will both be alone during that time. As humans, we all have to adjust to new surroundings and situations at different points in our lives. Other than Bea, I have not been w/ a woman since my courtship w/ J began. I suppose he would be bothered by this...but he knows who I am. I cannot change that for him. I had the impression you read his twitter and gained access to it from one of Sarah's or Ellery's posts. You were quoting his tweets so this lead me to believe you were reading it directly. So you never saw J's pictures then (plastered all over his twitter page)...LOL! I just assumed. You never mentioned that he was handsome so all along I assumed you were, maybe, a bit jealous of him like Bea was. Ellery is correct and I admit it, he is definitely better looking than me--hands down. When we go out together he gets lots of looks from both genders.
Hi babe, ... You are extremely blessed to have Jeffery in your life right now. I love him to death for loving you and for taking good care of you and Daniel. If he was shallow like most men would be if it was all about the sex, then he would have walked out on you the minute Daniel became difficult and in the way. It takes an extremely loving and caring person to stay and help you with him, and if there is any fault at all in this guy, ... the only thing I can see, is that he is going to cling very tightly to you and desire to be with you 24/7 and be involved with everything you do. I also think any woman you have a desire to be with, even just for sex, is going to make him very unhappy and he will try to persuade you from it if he can. He won't make it an ultimatum ever as he knows he can never do that with you, but he will say and do whatever he can to try to keep it from happening. Never forget that if he had his way, you would be committed to only him, .. that will always be his desire and need with you. Perhaps that is the weak spot in your relationship with him that will eventually surface and become the elephant in the room, as they say. Time will tell all. You should know that I never had his twitter as I don't know his last name. That is how Ellery figured it all out and discovered his company name and twitter because she said to Sarah that you slipped and said his last name on MJ's I believe it was. They quoted many of his 'tweets' about you when they were gossiping about it amongst themselves and Sarah was downing him badly calling him a bitch and that what he was saying about you made her want to vomit. That is why I wanted to inform you what was going on when I discovered it. She has said unkind things about you as well from time to time, yet she pursues you and stalks all the boards constantly looking for you. I find her classless and unlikeable, and a whole host of other things as you well know. I will spare you further detail. Anyway, I wish I had a picture of you and Jeffery and Daniel, as I am fond of all 3 of you, but I know I will see pigs fly before I ever see that! LOL I am most curious though of your looks and his. Even Ellery who is so in love with you commented to her gang that she thought J was even better looking than you. Sorry, it's what she said. I highly doubt I would feel the same way, as I am EXTREMELY attracted to Asian looking men, not exclusively, but knowing you as I do, the inner beauty is what matters to me anyway. Change of subject, ... Sounds like Tara is the whore to me. Sorry if that sounds cruel or mean, .. but this girl is definitely loose and promiscuous and has been on the prowl with multiple men, to be so bold with what she is wanting you to do to her. I'm so happy to hear you plan to avoid her and I hope you can, .. but it still would not surprise me to see her come to your office in a final attempt to try once again to patch things up. Will she still be there when you get back in January? New topic: Nurturing, like mothering, is a delicate dance. Yes? It can be overdone, it can be smothering, it can be a turn off, .. especially to someone who prides themselves on being independent. Someone perhaps, .. like you! :) There are times though when we all need the help and care of another human being to help see us through a 'need' or difficult time, and to know somebody loves and cares about us. And sometimes it just feels so damn good to know someone put your needs above their own, and thought about you, instead of themselves. And to a person who is nurturing by nature, .. it is in the giving that they find happiness and joy, and their purpose in this life.
Hmmmm.... it s not always about love you know...or 'falling in love'. Sometimes love is a process, an understanding...just mutual affection without being some heightened sensation. It is, after all, just a word. With J, he does these things for me and for bro which I appreciate and for which I depend on him... true. So, then...can 'love' be a logical decision? What is the downside? I need him now,I find him very physically satisfying, very kind, intelligent, he thinks I am fantastic (I still cannot figure out why) and well, you saw his twitter right? So know what he looks like....the dude is pretty damn good looking. So, why do I break up with him? The only reason would be if I wanted to be with women------only that realy is not an issue as he will sustain that event if it is to pass for the sake of our relationship. So, I ask you....what would any sane bi dude do in this situation? Seems pretty clear. Right?
What I was saying is that I need him in my life now. We have a very good physical relationship which, in my view, has brought us closer. I will never end up in an exclusive long term gay relationship for life. This I know. This thing we have works for us, and I am beginning to feel content. It is nice to feel that ease, stability and contentment in a relationship. I never had that. Differences in personalities and desires can often bring two people together --though not very easily, perhaps? Yes, I realize the emotions and feelings may be lopsided...but that's okay with him. Some relationships end up working despite our best efforts, LOL! And I would be lying if Is aid I didn't have feelings for him beyond our physical relationship.
I am actively avoiding Tara before I leave. Shouldn't be too hard. Tara told a female colleague...who told Sheila...who, in turn, told me that Tara expressed to this colleague about me that "I want him to do me dirty". I won't elaborate here as to what that would entail...I think you can figure it out. She apparently thinks I am some man-w****. Good luck on that one, Tara. I have no idea if she is going to UK, still, in November and I am doubtful that she would have the balls to get n touch with me since I have been ignoring her for days ...and during our last conversation, I hung up on her.
Let me make this clear. I do not seek out nurturing people and I don't really want to have some nurturing mate pursue me or try to take care of me. But it always seems to work out that way. Even if the person is not seemingly this type, they always seem to have this innate desire to take care of me. Part of me likes it, part of me does not. It can get very annoying.
I'm glad you came back for now. You will be leaving soon, so spoil me just a little bit longer, okay? I'm pathetic, ... I know. :) And I'm sorry, as I know you want me to let you go. You don't know how hard that is for me, as I feel your absence when I don't hear from you, and that is painful, as I miss you terribly, pure and simple. It sounds to me like you are falling in love with Jeffery and you just don't want to admit it. Love won't be denied, and "Love is a force of nature", that also came from Brokeback Mountain. Funny how that movie keeps impacting me in all kinds of ways. I have the feeling you really won't be alone very much. I think Daniel and Jeffery will be coming to see you every chance they get, and vice versa with you going home every chance you get. I don't want you lonely or depressed, so this is good. And you've got me for a fallback if you need someone to talk to other than Jeffery. Please don't hate me for asking you a question ( which you asked me not to do, .. sorry! :) ) But what are you going to tell Tara if she asks you if she can still come to see you in London? Has she approached you since you asked her to leave you alone? You can blame this wild animal living in me whose name is 'curiosity' for asking those questions. 'Curiosity' wants to be fed and she has a voracious appetite! :) LOL That was so cute what you quoted at the end of your post, and it fits you. And, just so you know, and I'm sure you have already figured it out, .. nurturing is what I am all about. Keep that in mind, .. as you never know when that might be of help to you someday. I hope you sleep well tonight, my love. You do sound exhausted. Sweet dreams, babe.
The Ronstadt song to me was not about generalized loneliness as much as about a person searching for love, but settling for sex so she will NOT be alone; she is not really a loner and does not want to remain alone without a committed lover, but to her disappointment, she does because it is better than not "feeling" love, even if the love is not lasting and is only sexual. Her many partners (presumably men) are looked upon as a compilation of one man (I am tempted to embed quotes here to make my point...but shall resist). The world (her lovers, her prospects) are "heartless" unlike the love she feels in her own heart. I feel like the dude in this song. I am.
I wish not to mislead you: I feel differently about J now than I did months ago. When I quoted that line from Brokeback , I suppose that was the reason I felt I was sticking with J at that time. But I admit when I do not see him, I miss him. We have grown closer. I choose to stay with him, not only for bro, but because I don't want to leave him now and I rather be with him than be alone....which is usually not the case with most lovers I have had... SEE!!!! I really am the loner! I realize I will never have a long term committed relationship (i.e.: a marriage) soI try very hard to keep things casual. I have been most successful in my efforts. The reason the 'Collide" song is one that J considers our song is because he feels it describes our relationship...and I absolutely agree. 'Collide" as in to meet directly, to end up at the same point...NOT 'collide' as in disagreeing or conflicting. "The dawn is breaking": and while I am "busy waking" he is already "tangled up" in me. Different starting points, different progress...same result...colliding. It is a love song, from both viewpoints, right? Okay--I was trying to make a point not get philosophical over a silly song. I hope you understand what I am 'saying'. Please do not ask me any more questions or try to engage me in conversation. PLEASE? I need to stay away and I have been good, until today. Wish you would help me. And yes, I am like a little boy, according to my mother and just about every lover I have ever had. J tells me that I should just admit that I love being with nurturers and that I need and want someone to take care of me. He is right....as embarrassing as it is to admit it. I am what I am...." I don't want praise, I don't ant pity....I bang my own drum, some think it''s noise, I think it's pretty"....LOL! I must be so very tired................
PS .... I also want you to know that I have always been able to see the little boy in you, ... and 'he' is so precious and I love 'him' with all of my heart, and everything that I am. Always let 'him' come out and play. Okay? ~~~
I didn't see your last post until I posted my last post to you. No secret messages in that airline story, honey. LOL I found that story from one of the people I follow on twitter. It was forwarded by the author Whitley Streiber, who didn't write it himself, but he forwarded the story from his twitter page. I found it intriguing, and since you fly so much, ... I just thought you might want to read it, and I was curious what you thought about it, ... if you thought it was possible, and if so, what the heck would they be trying to secretly spray? The story sounds like it was written by a true plane mechanic that knows what he is talking about. That is why I found it fascinating, and something to ponder. Damn, I am going to miss you terribly ...... I know you will sacrifice your own happiness for the sake of your brother if that is what you have to do. I keep remembering that quote you gave me one time from Brokeback Mountain, " If you can't fix it, you gotta stand it." That thought is burned into my mind. Maybe we will both be living that for the rest of our lives.
'Collide' is a very beautiful song and I can see how that fits the two of you. He finally picked a good one! LOL You do need him in your life right now and I can easily see that. Life is ever changing, my precious one, and no one ever knows what is around the next bend in the road. But I do know I will always love you and I would do anything for you. I hope when you say you have to stay away, that you are only talking about for now, ... and not forever. Keep this bookmarked, okay? And you know my phone number. If you need me in any way, don't even hesitate. I won't let you down no matter what you need. I was hoping we could still talk up to the time you leave. I was very curious what has happened with Tara. Did she come crying to your office and apologize for bugging you? That is my guess because she won't let you disappear without trying again to get to you and salvage that London visit. It's very hard for me to tame this wild animal in me called 'curiosity'. I always want to know the 'ending' or the 'answer'. Sometimes I think at least half my make-up is curiosity. But I guess that's good, right? As long as it doesn't kill me! In which case I better hope I have nine lives in front of me! :) The Linda Ronstadt song, .. I wanted you to hear it because it is a very beautiful haunting song, especially with her beautiful voice, .. and the music and the words run deep. They express the loneliness that dwells in me and I don't know that I will ever escape that. I live in my own little world even amongst my friends and family, and they know that, they sense it. I am a huge loner, but a social one if that makes any sense. Very few people get to penetrate that invisible barrier that I have up, and whether you know it or not, you did penetrate it and get in. Just wanted you to know that. I love you. Please don't stay away forever .... ~~~
And yes that would be J dedicating that song to me...not the other way around. LOL! I forgot to comment that I just don't get the whole airline mechanic letter thing you posted. Not to seem insulting, but it 'reads' like it was posted on one of those conspiracy paranoia sites. Don't believe everything you read, ma dear. I am dubious as to its authenticity. Not sure why you sent it to me...was there a message 'between the lines' or something? Okay. Well, I just forgot to mention this in my last message. Need to take care of business. Big changes ahead. Goodbye :)
"But your love it's a common occurrence
Not like love that I feel in my heart
Still this may be all I need....."
Good song. Hmmmm...not sure if this was meant for me or you just like the song. I certainly relate to these lyrics, as you are by now aware.
I am okay...very depressed, but getting much better as the days go by. Yes, and bro is okay. We are all really fine. Busy, crazy and teetering on the edge. Bro is coming to London, as expected. When we offered it to him he said "Yes, I want to come. We are a family, we should not be separated".....'family' meaning, bro, me and J. That was sobering for me to hear him utter that. He is very dependent on both of us right now.
They are going to stay a little longer than Oct 3 as bro needs to adjust to time change and feel like he had enough of a visit to his satisfaction. It will be cramped in my tiny flat...but we will deal with it. I cannot come back here and you know that, right? You will have to trust that I am okay. I am always okay. I don't expect, at this point, for J to be out of the picture for quite a while. He is keeping things lucid, rational and structured for me. I need that. Do not worry. I am not sure how to explain things as I try very hard to keep things 'unemotional' about J and our 'relationship'. So maybe, to speak in your language ....the song that J considers to be "our song" (other than the 'Prince' song he sings to me, LOL): is 'Collide' by Howie somebody. That is it...the best explanation I can give you of what J and I 'have. I have a hard time putting some things into words. Okay? Don't check for messages from me because I have to stay away. Okay? Not fair to you. You know this. Sorry.
Jelly Bean, .... Are you doing okay? I miss you and I'm just a little worried about you ... How is Daniel ? I'm worried about him too. Is he doing better? All my love .... Storm .~~~
He said that due to my past excellent employment record that the suspension had been reduced to one day and that I should report back to work immediately. The only thing I could think of was what are they trying to hide and who are THEY!
That day at work went by as if nothing had happened. None of the other mechanics mentioned the suspension and my union rep told me not to talk about it. That night I logged onto the Internet to try to find some answers. I don't remember now how I got there but I came across your site. That's when it all came together. But the next morning at work I found a note inside my locked locker. It said, "Curiosity killed the cat. Don't be looking at Internet sites that are no concern of yours."
Well that's it. THEY are watching me.
Well you already know what they are doing. I don't know what they are spraying but I can tell you how they are doing it. I figure they are using the "honey trucks". These are the trucks that empty the waste from the lavatory waste tanks. The airports usually contract out this job and nobody goes near these trucks. Who wants to stand next a truck full of sh--. While these guys are emptying the waste tanks they are filling the tanks of the spray system. They know the planes flight path so they probably program the control unit to start spraying some amount of time after the plane reaches a certain altitude. The spray nozzles in the fake static wicks are so small that no one in the plane would see a thing.
God help us all,
A concerned citizen."
I could trace the control wires from the box to the pumps and valves but there were no control circuits coming into the unit. The only wires coming Into the unit was a power connection to the aircraft's main power bus.
The system had 1 large and 2 smaller tanks. It was hard to tell in the cramped compartment but it looked like the large tank could hold 50 gallons. The tanks were connected to a fill and drain valve that passed through the fuselage just behind the drain valve for the waste system. When I had a chance to look for this connection under the plane I found it cunningly hidden behind a panel under the panel used to access the waste drain.
I began to trace the piping from the pumps. These pipes lead to a network of small pipes that ended in the trailing edges of the wings and horizontal stabilizers. If you look closely at the wings of a large airplane you will see a set of wires, about the size of your finger, extending from the trailing edge of the wing surfaces. These are the static discharge wicks. They are used to dissipate the static electric charge that builds up on a plane in flight. I discovered that the pipes from this mystery system lead to every 1 out of 3 of these static discharge wicks. These wicks had been "hollowed out" to allow whatever flows through these pipes to be discharged through these fake wicks.
It was while I was on the wing that one of the managers spotted me. He ordered me out of the hanger telling me that my shift was over and I had not been authorized any overtime.
The next couple of days were very busy and I had no time to continue my investigation. Late one afternoon, two days after my discovery, I was called to replace an engine temperature sensor on a plane due to take off in two hours. I finished the job and turned in the paperwork.
About 30 minutes later I was paged to see the General Manager. When I went in his office I found that our union rep and two others who I did not know were waiting on me. He told me that a serious problem had been discovered. He said that I was being written up and suspended for turning in false paperwork. He handed me a disciplinary form stating that I had turned in false paperwork on the engine temperature sensor I had installed a few hours before. I was floored and began to protest. I told them that this was ridiculous and that I had done this work. The union rep spoke up then and recommended that we take a look at the plane and see if we could straighten it all out. It was at this time that I asked who the other two men were. The GM told me that they were airline safety inspectors but would not give me their names.
We proceeded to the plane, which should have been in the air but was parked on our maintenance ramp. We opened the engine cowling and the union rep pulled the sensor. He checked the serial number and told everyone that it was the old instrument. We then went to the parts bay and went back into the racks. The union rep checked my report and pulled from the rack a sealed box. He opened the box and pulled out the engine temperature sensor with the serial number of the one I had installed. I was told that I was suspended for a week without pay and to leave immediately.
I sat at home the first day of my suspension wondering what the hell had happened to me. That evening I received a phone call. The voice told me "Now you know what happens to mechanics who poke around in things they shouldn't. The next time you start working on systems that are no concern of yours you will lose your job. As it is I'm feeling generous, I believe that you'll be able to go back to work soon" CLICK.
Again I had to pick myself from off the floor. I made the connection that what had happened was directly connected to my tracing the mysterious piping. The next morning the General Manager called me. He said that due to my past excellent employment record that the suspension had been reduced to one day and that I should report back to work immediate
I came across an article I find shocking! Wondering what you think of it.Coming Clean
From an airline mechanic
"For reasons you will understand as you read this I can not divulge my identity. I am an aircraft mechanic for a major airline. I work at one of our maintenance bases located at a large airport. I have discovered some information that I think you will find important.
First I should tell you something about the "pecking order" among mechanics. It is important to my story and to the cause to which you have dedicated yourself.
Mechanics want to work on three things. The avionics, the engines, or the flight controls. The mechanics that work on these systems are considered at the top of the "pecking order". Next come the mechanics that work on the hydraulics and air conditioning systems. Then come the ones who work on the galley and other non-essential systems. But at the very bottom of the list are the mechanics that work on the waste disposal systems. No mechanic wants to work on the pumps, tanks, and pipes that are used to store the waste from the lavatories.
But at every airport where I have worked there are always 2 or 3 mechanics that volunteer to work on the lavatory systems. The other mechanics are happy to let them do it. Because of this you will have only 2 or 3 mechanics that work on these systems at any one airport. No one pays much attention to these guys and no mechanic socializes with another mechanic who only works on the waste systems. In fact I had never thought much about this situation until last month.
Like most airlines we have reciprocal agreements with the other airlines that fly into this airport. If they have a problem with a plane one of our mechanics will take care of it. Likewise if one of our planes has a problem at an airport where the other airline has a maintenance base, they will fix our plane.
One day last month I was called out from our base to work on a plane for another airline. When I got the call the dispatcher did not know what the problem was. When I got to the plane I found out that the problem was in waste disposal system.
There was nothing for me to do but to crawl in and fix the problem. When I got into the bay I realized that something was not right. There were more tanks, pumps, and pipes then should have been there. At first I assumed that the system had been changed. It had been 10 years since I had worked on one. As I tried to find the problem I quickly realized the extra piping and tanks were not connected to the waste disposal system. I had just discovered this when another mechanic from my company showed up.
It was one of the mechanics who usually works on these systems. I happily turned the job over to him. As I was leaving I asked him about the extra equipment. He told me to "worry about my end of the plane and let him worry about his!"
The next day I was on the company computer to look up a wiring schematic. While I was there I decided to look up the extra equipment I had found. To my amazement the manuals did not show any of the extra equipment I had seen with my own eyes the day before. I even tied in to the manufacturer files and still found nothing. Now I was really determined to find out what that equipment did.
The next week we had three of our planes in our main hanger for periodic inspection. There are mechanics crawling all over a plane during these inspections. I had just finished my shift and I decided to have a look at the waste system on one of our planes. With all the mechanics around I figured that no one would notice an extra one on the plane. Sure enough, the plane I choose had the extra equipment!
I began to trace the system of pipes, pumps, and tanks. I found what appeared to be the control unit for the system. It was a standard looking avionics control box but it had no markings of any kind. I could trace the control wires from the box to the pumps and valves but there were no control circuits coming into the unit.
Good Morning, Jelly Bean ..... Hope you're feeling better and got some good rest. Everything will work itself out and be fine. You are loved by so many people it's almost ridiculous! LOL And you are very much loved by Daniel, Jeffery, and me. Have a fantabulous Tara-free day! Sorry, I couldn't resist saying that! Love you, babe! :)
My gosh, ... I feel so bad for you, babe. I wish I could just hug you and hold you for a long time till you fall asleep. I want to help you so bad. I think, in fact, I know, .. Daniel will not want to stay in NYC if you make the offer for him to go to London. His biggest attachment now is to you and Jeffery, .. even over your mom now I am guessing. He will be going with you! That is really caring of J to make this suggestion and very selfless of him, because I'm sure he was hoping for romance and alone time with you in London. Most of all, he is doing this for you, .. to give you peace of mind about Daniel. The last thing you need to worry about is Tara. You don't need to apologize to her, because she now has yet another excuse to approach you, and she will! She will come to you and apologize for bugging you! Wait and see! Don't feel bad for her as it was all just a flimsy excuse with ulterior motives anyway. She won't give up yet, and you'll have to deal with her again anyway. I betcha! So don't worry about an apology when you have much more serious issues to deal with. She really is unimportant. Is she still going to be there when you get back in January? Try to get some good sleep tonight, honey. I'm here in any way I can help you, and I'm sending you all my love. I care so much about you, .. I hope you know that. All my love, ...Barb
Yu are not snoopy. I like reporting these silly things. I really should go back to having a twitter...though I have to stay mum on some topics..
I was very rude to Tara today. I know you and J do not care...but I feel badly. She called me after i was chewed out by one of our international offices for not documenting something very important to one of our studies (they were correct for calling me on this major faux pas...cannot fault them). I dropped the ball. It is not a big deal as I have a few days to correct it. My office phone line kept ringing, and then finally I picked it up--it was Tara asking me some stupid question about getting together for some "advice" on an article draft...I just told her "I am far too busy to help you out with these pseudo- questions...please do not bother me again. I hung up. Every time I do something like that...which sadly, is somewhat frequent, I feel badly. Wish I had more self-control. Now i have to call her to apologize. Ugh!
Daniel does not strike me often. He has not socked me since he moved in w/ me nearly a year ago. He does not have a lot of control over his emotions and sometimes yells or throws things or says inappropriate things to me or J or anyone else who is around. I do not offer a lot of detail about him because it makes me depressed talking about him sometimes. I like to forget about the stress sometimes and simply not think about the responsibility. He knows that I love him and he knows it hurts me when he says things like "You are the worst brother in the world and I hate you". "I hope the plane crashes when you go to London". Look...I know he doesn't mean it, but I am hurting him by leaving. That is a fact. J had a very lucid suggestion which I am entertaining. He feels that if bro keeps torturing me like this it will be hard for to leave and painful for me to be separated from him knowing how hurt he is . He thinks we should buy him a ticket to London and use it ONLY if bro seems upset int he next few days. Right now...there are still 3 seats left in out cabin on our flight...and a 5 or 6 seats still for the return flight J is taking back home on Oct. 3rd. He will talk to bro and prepare him this weekend.J will book the flight tomorrow (last minute flight in the high end cabin will be $$$) Bro is not great with flying....but his therapist will prescribe him a vallium (sp) type drug to stabilize his nerves. He did this for him when he flew from California to NY with my mother and it was fine (mom said he was reading and sleeping the entire flight--sounds good to me)! So J said "let's do it and if bro decides to stay behind with my mom and his caretaker...then we eat the cost of his plane ticket and no big deal. J thinks it will give me peace of mind. I am debating...but it sounds like a good plan. I have been stressed for 2 days,. No sleep and crying in spurts. J says he has never seen me like this.
Anyway...my mother will not be happy with a last minute plan change...but she will have to deal. I am just letting J make the call because I ma too emotionally labile to handle this...I hope his instincts are right about this. No spell check. Sorry.
I'm glad you are okay with my last post over there. It was intended to throw people off track so they think we are gone from here and hopefully won't search. I would hope any regulars have lost interest by now. I wasn't trying to get you to give me your email, I hope you know that, .. it was just part of the smoke and mirrors game I was playing over there. I'm so sorry Daniel is having such a hard time with this. I imagine Jeffery leaving with you for a few days is also upsetting him. Does he strike you very often? I had no idea that was part of his disorder as well. It is going to be rough not hearing from you, as you have become part of my daily life as well as a ray of sunshine every time I hear from you. Are you able to leave me at least one post a day till you leave? There are only a few days left. It would mean a lot if you can. Also, I'm sorry to be so curious and snoopy, but I'm dying to find out what the latest is with Tara, because I'm guessing she has made contact with you by now. Am I right? Hope things get better for you ..... ~~~
I understand and I am not mad...just very busy. Well...I will not put it past certain old regulars to use the search function to find it. With so many comments...it won;t be too difficult. Anyway....I was so busy this morning with work and some emotional stuff that I raced in here ...then raced out and I think I was forgetting which poll you commented on. I think what you wrote on the prior poll was fine. I am tired. Having a hard time with bro...he is very angry and even socked me a few times (part & parcel of his disability) for "leaving him" and for "being a terrible brother"...So, I have to devote mroe attention to him, clearly. You have to understand that it is hard for me to come in here and not at all good for me. I know you refuse to believe it, but it's true. I am going to have to take a break because there is no way I can come here from UK. There is no way I can give out my work e-mail....can you imagine? It is heavily monitored and I do not have the time to open and maintain a separate e-mail account. I am sorry but you are going to have to understand. J is unhappy about all of the time I am spending on the computer and giving me a hard time. Just too many things to do , too much responsibility with too little time........
I did my best with my last post over there to leave a reason why there won't be anymore posting on that site, so I don't think anyone will catch on to look for us further. If you don't feel safe here now, you could always mail me info to my home address on where you want me to go, and that way no one could get a clue where we are. You don't even have to put a return address on the letter. Just an idea. Sorry if you think I blew it. This poll is pretty buried in all the others so I really think we will be okay. I could even try to drop my avatar picture which is like a beacon and take on a brand new name if you want. Please don't be mad at me, as I think everything will be fine. Most regulars or new people won't even realize the polls have opened back up. And don't worry, I'm fine. Even if people find that poll, most won't skim all the way to the bottom, and if anyone reads that stuff, they still don't know who we really are. Are you doing okay? Did you finally get some good sleep last night? What's new with Tara?
last sentence: "trust NEITHER of them".
you would be wise to just keep hush unless you want others to read about your personal life. Don't tell any old regulars since I know at least two of them consistently read here still. would be most embarrassing. Plus, I trust either of them.
I should say "enticing people to read over there".