First line and first paragraph lacked a compelling hook. By the end of the page I was thinking this is just an everyday conversation at a college in (Hawaii?)
I sense the "real" story will start with the meeting of the man who's getting the "lei greeting." Might be better to start as close to that moment as possible.
First line and first paragraph lacked a compelling hook. By the end of the page I was thinking this is just an everyday conversation at a college in (Hawaii?)
I sense the "real" story will start with the meeting of the man who's getting the "lei greeting." Might be better to start as close to that moment as possible.