Which of the jokes/witticisms in 500 Mistakes is most funny?
384. We lately met a grammarian, who had just made a tour through the mines, conjugating, or, rather, cogitating thus: "Positive, _mine_; comparative _miner_; superlative, _minus_!"
282. A gentleman having selected a book from the library shelves of the Mechanics' Institute, went to the librarian to have the volume registered under his name, and said, "_I have taken the life of Julius Cæsar_." "I shall then," responded the librarian, "charge the work to Mr. Brutus!" Be careful how you "take the lives" of distinguished men.
178. The following expression would be of special significance on coming from a surgeon or anatomist: "Desiring to know your friend better, _I took him apart_ to converse with him." It has been said that two persons who _take each other apart_, frequently do so for the express purpose of _putting their heads together_.
92. _Superfluous R's_: Many persons pronounce words which have no letter _r_ in them, exactly as though they had; as _drawring_ for _drawing_; "I _sawr_ Thomas," for "I _saw_," &c. Some who do not insert a full-toned _r_, do worse by appending an _ah_ to almost every word they utter. They would do well to recall the reproof which the excellent Rev. John Gruber administered to a brother in the ministry, who was guilty of this habit. That eccentric clergyman addressed a note to his friend, as follows: "Dear-ah Sir-ah--When-ah you-ah speak-ah in-ah public-ah, take-ah my-ah ad-ah-vice-ah and-ah never-ah say-ah _ah-ah_!--JOHN-AH GRUBER-AH."
26. The following words were posted, as a sign, in a reading-room--"No Talking Allowed;" which was designed to prohibit all conversation. A wag altered the inscription so as to read, "No Talking Aloud," which (he declared) did not prevent _whispering_, and chatting in _low tones_. What shall be said of the following--"_No Smoking Aloud_?"
169. "_Rinse_ your mouth:" pronounce _rinse_ as it is written, and never _rense_. "_Rench your mouth_," said a fashionable dentist one day to a patient. "You have already _wrenched it for me_," was the reply.
29. _The Three R.'s._--An ignorant and vain pedagogue, on being asked what he could teach, replied, "The three R.'s--_'ritin'_, _'rethmetic_, and _readin'_." Any persons among the readers of this little book, who may chance to be schoolmasters, are warned against giving such a course of instruction.
24. _Sparrowgrass_: it is only the grossest ignorance which confounds this word with _asparagus_. The same is the case with _ing-uns_ for _onions_. A man in an obscure section of New Jersey, inquiring at a country store for _onions_, was told that there were none in the place. On his going out, the storekeeper turned to half a dozen idlers sitting round the stove, and said, "I wonder if that 'tarnal fool meant _ing-uns_!"
302. "It rains, and I want an umbrella _the worst kind_:" say, "_I am greatly in want_," &c. An umbrella _of the worst kind_ would not be likely to answer the best of purposes on a rainy day!
5. "He _rose up_, and left the room:" leave out _up_, as it is absurd to say _rise down_. The Irishman who was _hoisted down_ the coal pit, did not observe this rule.
356. "He looked at it first _lengthways_, then _sideways_:" say, _lengthwise_ and _sidewise_. Also, say _otherwise_ instead of _otherways_. A nobleman said to his fool, "I am _wise_, and you are _otherwise_." "Yes," replied his jester, "you are _wise_, and I am _another wise_."
158. "He has just set out to _take a tour_:" pronounce _tour_ so as to rhyme with _poor_. Be careful to avoid saying, _take a tower_; such a pronunciation might suggest the Mamelon, instead of a trip of travel.
77. The following equivocal notice is said to swing out on a sign-board somewhere in the Western country: "SMITH &; HUGGS--SELECT SCHOOL.--_Smith teaches the boys, and Huggs the girls._" _Huggs needs correction!_
357. If you are a landlord, beware of incorrectly using such an expression as in the following: A landed proprietor went to a tenant with a view of increasing his rent, and said to him, "Neighbor, I am going to _raise your rent_." "Thank you, sir," was the reply, "for I am utterly unable to _raise it myself_."
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